An Evil Russell

Each Thursday, at some point, I think to myself, “I sure hope that tonight’s Survivor is a good episode.” To date, I can honestly say that Survivor Samoa has provided me with five hours of stellar reality television. Despite this being its nineteenth season, the Emmy award-winning program has not only started out strong, but is actually gaining momentum as it goes. A key contributor to this is the personalities of the competitors. And the first personality that comes to mind is Russell.

Before you start to think that I am writing another column detailing the diabolical antics of Russell Hantz the evil sock burner, I had better explain something. Things aren’t always as they appear, especially in the ever-changing world of Survivor. I do indeed despise Russell. He is rapidly becoming one of the most loathsome characters in recent memory.

But it’s not Foa Foa’s Russell Hantz.

It is Russell Swan the black-hearted leader of the Galu tribe. Remember I said that he “rapidly” becoming one of the most loathsome characters. Russell Hantz was, is and will always be a despicable bastard. That being said, Russell Swan is doing his best to catch his namesake from Foa Foa as expeditiously as possible. Tonight he took great strides in accomplishing this feat.

Although he is an attorney, I initially gave Russell Swan the benefit of the doubt. Even when chosen to lead the Galu tribe, he seemed to be pretty levelheaded. But then he made the bone-headed move of choosing comfort items over a tarp and other functional articles. His reasoning? He had to keep “his ladies” happy. That my friends, is nothing compared to the move he pulled tonight.

This evening, Russell the black-hearted, committed such a heinous act after the Reward Challenge, that I blurted out an expletive deleted. Yes it is true, I audibly referred to a Survivor contestant as part of the anatomy that both men and women possess, and it wasn’t nose. It is located much lower on the body.

What he did was, without question, one of the most evil and heartless acts ever displayed toward another human being, even on Survivor. Let me give you the reprehensible details.

The Reward Challenge was the infamous Food Challenge, a Survivor staple. The “foods” used all had a Samoan flavor to them (pun intended). The two competing contestants would spin a wheel to see what goodies would make up their concoction. Then the ingredients were placed in a blender by Jeff Probst and whisked into a Samoan Smoothie. All the contestants had to do was to drink it.

The Reward for winning this gastronomic challenge was a barbeque complete with big juicy steaks, what appeared to be bratwursts and all the fixings. Additionally, the winning team’s leader would have to send one of his fellow tribe mates over to the other tribe to gather “valuable” information. The obvious rub was that this person did not get to partake in the scrumptious feast.

Because Galu had three more members than Foa Foa, they sat out Kelly, Laura and John. It was tied at four when Ashley couldn’t keep her smoothie down and Galu was victorious yet again, the meaty meal was theirs to enjoy. The only thing remaining was for Russell Swan to elect someone to go over to Foa Foa on the spy expedition and miss out on the reward.

That is when he did it. That is when he became Russell the black-hearted.

He had the audacity to select Shambo along with her glorious mullet to go to Foa Foa and miss out on this much-needed protein packed treat. He did this despite the fact that she did her part by slugging down a grotesque Samoan Smoothie consisting of giant clam, fly-covered octopus, sea snail and noni juice.

What was he thinking?!? Wouldn’t common decency indicate that you send one of the three that had not participated in the challenge? But no, even as Shambo pleaded for him to “show her some love”, Russell the black-hearted sent her away with out any dinner.

With this one cowardly, lowdown, abominable act, Russell the black-hearted had entered into the rarified air formerly occupied solely by Russell Hantz the evil sock burner.

The show concluded with Tribal Council, where Team Foa Foa was forced to regurgitate the lovely Ashley for having done so earlier during the Reward Challenge. What goes around comes around, I guess. Hopefully Russell the black-hearted will soon get his comeuppance. Until next time…from the booth.