The “Association”

Then next time I hear someone refer to the NBA as the “Association”, I will puke. I’m not taking about vomiting in my mouth either. It will be a full bore projectile puke. The “Association”. What a bunch of pretentious, arrogant crap. I have never heard the NFL called the “League”. Maybe if you have a quality product you don’t have to be so pompous and ostentatious.

Back in the early ‘80s, the Milwaukee Bucks’ slogan was “Green and Growing”. It was sort of corny, but it was apropos at the time. Now in 2011, the Bucks’ slogan is “Where Amazing Happens”. Amazing, huh? Too bad the Bucks, and the NBA for that matter, are irrelevant to me. You are probably thinking that the reason I feel this way is because the Bucks stink.

Let’s see, the Bucks currently have a record of 23 win and 37 losses in the Central division of the NBA’s Eastern Conference. They trail the division leading Chicago Bulls by 19 full games and have very little chance of passing the Charlotte Hornets and catching the Indiana Pacers for the final playoff spot.

You have that part right, the Bucks do indeed stink. But that’s not why I couldn’t care less about the Bucks and more specifically, the NBA. It goes deeper than that. Much deeper.

Professional basketball has become increasingly more monotonous and unwatchable. I don’t believe that I have watched an entire quarter of an NBA game this year. For me, watching a pro basketball game is akin to watching a soccer match. They both are similar to watching paint dry.

In addition to that, the “Association” is chock full of highly unlikeable players. I am aware that all pro sports have their share of overpaid egomaniacs, but NBA players come off with such a blatant, in-your-face gang mentality.

Not only are these cretins excessively overly compensated, they are now being allowed to form their own teams. It’s like an AAU traveling team.

With my interest waning for several years, all the hoopla surrounding LeBron James choosing a team to play for did nothing to help the way I feel. If you assumed that I didn’t watch “The Decision” on ESPN, you are correct. What a joke.

By the way, do you happen to know what King James has tattooed across is broad shoulders? “Chosen 1”. Got much of an ego, son?

While we’re on the subject of tasteless tattoos, there are several others decorating the bodies of the “Association’s” finest.

Jameer Nelson must come from the LeBron James School of modesty. The tat across his shoulders reads “All Eyes On Me”. Not to be out done in the area of humbleness, Amare Stoudemire is the self-proclaimed, “Black Jesus” according to his tattoo. Enough said about egos.

Another beauty is Stephen Jackson’s tattoo, “The Prayer of Death”. It features two hands praying, clasped around a gun. And people say that NBA players aren't role models!

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention some of the ink that these world-class athletes sport extolling their passion for money.

Brandon Jennings of the Bucks has “Young Money” inscribed across his back. I'm not sure if this tatto will make sense when he's using his senior discount at the movie theater later in life but for now, it tells you what matters to him.

Then there is Mo Williams. It’s pretty ironic that the large “NBA” tattoo on his back has nothing to do with basketball. Instead, it reads “Never Broke Again.” Too bad the players’ association estimates that 60 per cent of retired NBA players go broke five years after their NBA paychecks stop arriving.

Unsubtle body art isn’t the only thing that players from the “Association” receive low grades in.

As with many professional athletes, it has become a right of passage to try to single-handedly keep the earth populated.

NBA notables in the area of paternity suits include Jason Caffey who was arrested in 2007 for failure to pay child support in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. He went to bankruptcy court seeking protection from creditors, who include eight women with whom he has had ten children.

Another NBA star is Shawn Kemp, who was ordered to pay an Ohio woman $20,000 a month in child support. The number of children that Kemp has reportedly fathered out of wedlock ranges from seven to thirteen.

However it is the 5’9” Calvin Murphy who stands tallest among “Association” players when it comes to impregnating women. At last count, Murphy has fathered 14 illegitimate children with nine different women.

My final example for why I find so many “Association” players deplorable is none other than Latrell Fontaine Sprewell, a product of Washington High School in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

In 1997, he choked his coach, P.J. Carlesimo, during a Golden State Warriors practice, which ultimately resulted in a 68-game suspension.

In 2004, at age 34 years old, he was due to make $14.6 million with the Minnesota Timberwolves and was demanding a contract extension. Sprewell, described the team’s offer, reported to be worth between $27 million and $30 million over three years, as “insulting.” He was quoted as saying, “I got family to feed.”

In 2007, Sprewell had his 70-foot, $1.5 million, Italian-built yacht repossessed to pay off the $1.3 million still owed on it. I almost forgot to mention the name of the yacht. “Milwaukee’s Best”.

The bottom line is NBA hoops are just plain boring and games have become excruciating to watch. Much has been made of the supreme sports inaccuracy that NBA’s final minute is a chess match with coaches flexing their considerable managerial muscles. While announcers might insist on calling this aspect of the game compelling, I just call it boring.

When you combine the egocentric personalities, the lack of scruples and the tedious games, you can understand why I won’t be tuning in today when the Bulls take on the Heat in Miami.

The “Association”, where amazing happens. Ya, right. Until next time…from the booth.