Survivor 23.4

Here’s your official Survivor: South Pacific Recap Trilogy.

Can I get a whoop whoop for women of a certain age? Let's hear it for Dawn who held up 140 pounds with sheer brute strength. She was afraid her age was a detriment. Phooey! I say! Phooey! That woman rocked that challenge and I, being a woman of a certain age, was never prouder!

As I said, Dawn started out lamenting the age difference in her tribe which was a point pressed home even further because of the new bikinis they were all parading around in. Since when do they get new bikinis? I don't remember Sue Hawk ever getting a new bikini. Actually, that might be a blessing…

Ozzie was laying low this week. Good. I'm over him.

Cochran was as Cochranny as ever. He was also worried he would be on the outs. I know he's right. They will only keep him around for so long before they pounce on him. He's wise to be thinking ahead and looking to spring a fast one on Ozzie. Man, I hope he does. That will be a classic moment.

But now I have to talk about Brandon Hantz. When he ran over to “warn” Coach that their alliance was not what it seemed based on one word from Stacey, I feared that at one point Coach was about to backhand him! What a goof nut that kid is! And his breakdown into tears at Tribal Council…sheesh!

You know what Brandon, you're right. You are too good a person to be playing this game. So go, already! And I'm sure Uncle Russell has a few words for you. Speaking of Brandon's preoccupation with making the Hantz name right again. Does this chucklehead really not realize how many fans his Uncle has and how great a player he really was? Again, I say, SHEESH!

Some things to note –

What was with Coach's magic moments? You know what I mean, those smile, nod, wink and salute moments he does right to the camera. He did it twice at Tribal, once when he put his vote in the urn and then when they were leaving Tribal Council. How does he manage to find the camera each time?

Also, I forgot there was someone named Ralph on this season. At least I think his name was Ralph. Probst called on him first at Tribal and asked him to name one bad thing about Albert. Ralph? Harry? Bernard? You know, the guy with the HUGE mustache? Yeah, him. I forgot all about him!! 

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So tonight I am going to tell you why the X Factor stinks. I wanted to say sucks but it sounded rude. Crap, I said sucks so I might as well say it…the X Factor sucks. 

First of all it’s oddly familiar. There’s Simon. And seated to his right is Paula. And there is singing, but wait, something is missing. Where is Randy? Where is Ryan Seacrest?  Where is Sharon Osborn and Piers Morgan?? Oh wait, I got confused, that's "America's Got Talent", but don't they have big giant "X's"?

See, this is one reason why I don’t like the show. Simon seems watered down. Paula is still high. It’s just all been done before. I think it’s all getting a little old and stale.  I’m overwhelmed by singing competitions now, aren’t you? 

So that’s part of the reason that the X Factor you know…sucks. But want to know why I really hate the X Factor?  BECAUSE MY HUSBAND RULES THE REMOTE AND TAPED IT INSTEAD OF SURVIVOR!

Yeah! That’s right!! And you want to know why, even though he won’t admit it? Even though he has retreated to our bedroom right now to avoid my angst?  He likes the X Factor because of the hot chick from the Pussycat Dolls! Pathetic!! Let’s face it, she is a seat warmer and she is half his age! I am disgusted.

So yeah. I didn’t get to see Survivor. Well actually, I was able to catch the last 22 minutes of it. I got to see Brandon refer to himself as a good judge of character, which made me chuckle.

 Thankfully I was able to catch the part where Brandon broke down in tears defending the Hantz family name. I pictured Russell fan Paul Vagnoni shedding a tear or two in front of his TV during that part.

In the end Stacey got voted off. I didn’t really understand why. She seemed like a stronger player than Edna, who is an anesthesiologist (they put people to sleep, you know, which isn’t really that useful to the tribe out there).

I thought it was nice that the Dragon Slayer tried to show Stacey a little love as she exited Tribal Council, but she was really ticked off and kind of rude about it all. It looks like she and Christine are going to do some Coach bashing out on the Island.  

Yup. That’s all I’ve got. It’s really quite sad. Guess we’re going to watch the X Factor now. By the way, I have a husband for sale or rent. Remote control included. Slightly used and abused. Is house trained but doesn’t listen. Any bidders give me a call. 

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Some random observations:

Overall I thought it was a pretty solid episode tonight. We were teased with the unlikely duo of legal dope dealer Jim and nebbish Cochran plotting against Ozzy. Cochran even discusses their scheme with the tightly wound Dawn. This could prove quite interesting.

Of course we were served an extra large helping of Brandon Hantz. Must we experience every thought and emotion that runs through that unbalanced brain of his? Good lord!

What’s with the tribes being given bathing suits? Coffee, donuts, cream, blankets, a hammock… What’s next? I swear, if Marriott were a sponsor of Survivor we would see hotel suites popping up on the beaches.

It was good to see Christine eliminate Papa Bear in the Redemption Island duel. She is much tougher than him and stands a better chance of hanging around for a while. Besides, who goes by the name, Papa Bear? Oh ya, George Halas. Maybe that’s why I didn’t like this guy.

Our resident nerd, Cochran came up with the quote of the night. It happened in the very first segment of the show. He was talking joining forces with Jim against Ozzy. He admitted there was something about Jim that made him uneasy though, “He has suspiciously white teeth.” Classic stuff.

The Immunity Challenge brought back the classic, “How Much Weight Can You Hold On A Long Pole Across Your Shoulders Test”. Two men, legal dope dealer Jim and loose cannon Brandon set a new Survivor record by holding up 240 pounds. Unfortunately they each have a testicle that hangs a full nine inches lower than the other.

After all the men had dropped their weights and were on the ground and whimpering in high pitched tones, it came down to neurotic 40 year old Dawn and Stacey the mortician. Remarkably, Dawn outlasted her younger opponent, giving Savaii the victory and a rooster and two hens. Honest. You think I make this stuff up?

By losing the Immunity Challenge, Upolu was forced to vote for someone to be sent to Redemption Island. Everyone knew it was going to be Stacey or Edna and Tribal Council began kind of slow.

Luckily, host Jeff Probst played the role of instigator and started some shit. He forced people to reveal what they found most annoying about their tribe mates.

This accomplished a couple of things. One, it made Rick, the cowboy with the porn mustache, speak. His first words were, “Albert snores too much.” Deep stuff, Rick.

The second thing that Probst’s muckraking did, was to make Brandon Hantz break down and cry. It was epic, he had Russell’s nephew blubbering like a little girl. Just another reason why Jeff Probst is a multiple award winner.

After all of the drama, Stacey was sent packing. Coach and the rest of her Upolu tribe tried to give her a farewell hug, but she would have no part of it. I think she wanted to get to Redemption Island so she could use her crazy mortician skills on an unsuspecting Christine.

Until next week…from the booth.