Survivor 23.5

Here’s your Official Survivor: South Pacific Recap Trilogy for week five:

Tonight’s episode was nauseating. Seriously. I was nauseated. And I’m a NURSE who thinks she’s seen just about everything. But I’ll get to that in a moment. It all started out with Stacey and Christine talking trash about Coach on Redemption Island.

Stacey lost the challenge and was sent home, but before she left she gave me my favorite line of the week; wishing that her newbie enemies on Upolu would “Go to hell with gasoline drawers on”. I loved that and hope I can find a way to work it into casual conversation tomorrow. 

Meanwhile, back at camp in the morning Brandon was STILL crying about insults to the Hantz family name. Let me say it again. Hantz’s are freaks! 

When Coach found out that Christine and Stacy were calling him by his given name of Benjamin out of disrespect rather than his preferred title, he became enraged. Anyone remember the “Maestro” episode from Seinfeld? “Jerry he’s a CONDUCTOR”!! 

Stacey, he’s a coach!!

Now on to the nausea. The meat spitting immunity challenge was just gross. I was eating a late supper as I watched the show, and what did I get to see? The weirdest competition ever. There was pork and gristle flying, spit flowing, sweat dripping, not to mention audio enhanced slurping and grunting. 

Did I mention the picking of meat out of other people’s teeth with ones mouth? And then (here’s the kicker) the winners of the challenge took the saliva-drenched meat back to camp and fried it up and ate it.  Whoever came up with that challenge is a real sicko. I put my fork down in disgust and joined PETA!

At Savaii, post-challenge, Cochran worried aloud about possibly contracting herpes from the challenge. This is a legitimate health concern, but it only served to annoy his tribe mates. I still like Cochran.  He reminds me of a young Bill Gates. He’s going places bikini girls, WAKE UP. 

As "on the train" to nowhere, Ozzy was spooning in the hammock with his chosen beauty Elyse, his team mates began to see a Boston Rob and Ambah in the making and planned a blindside. 

At Tribal Council, as Ozzy confidently massaged his sore meat chomping jaw muscles, his chick was ousted. He looked stunned. The preview for next week shows an indignant Ozzy declaring himself a free agent. I can’t WAIT to see how that works out for him. Maybe he will just take to the trees and only come down for challenges! Fun stuff!

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Tonight's episode started promising what with Brandon Hantz crying in the first five minutes. He was so upset that Mikayla said she didn't like that he was a Hantz at Tribal Council. Boo hoo, Brandon's widdle feelwings got all hurted by that and he had a widdle crybaby time to himself.

Then there was the Redemption Challenge where Stacey outted Coach to the other tribe for the scoundrel he is. She refused to call him Coach, instead referring to him by his given name – Benjamin – which, when he heard that, made him very angry. I was thinking about writing something clever about men who have nicknames, but then it happened.

It being quite possibly the most disgusting, foulest, stomach sickening, throw up in my mouth challenge I have ever seen.

There they were, hands behind their backs, chomping off ginormous mouthfuls of what looked to be cold, coagulated barbecue pig and spitting them into a general basket to see which tribe could get more in their basket when the time was up.

OMG – the grinding, grunting sounds. OMG – the nasty camera angles showing them hocking up pork and spittle and goobers into the basket. Did they really have to have a “basket cam” that showed them spitting crap in there from inside the basket!!

OMG – the pieces of hanging pork fat and skin getting stuck in their teeth and their teammates coming to the rescue to pick it out using their own mouth. OMG!! I gagged. Seriously. And what was worse was the winning tribe got to keep their basket of wretched, spit covered, botulism! And they cheered!! Like it was a good thing!!! EW EW EW with a capitol EW!!!

I have seen Survivors eat a lot of gross and disgusting things. Usually those things were considered real food products in whatever part of the world they were stuck. None of those things ever made me feel as grossed out as this pork thing! And then they all got injured with broken teeth, dislocated jaws, cut up lips and cheeks. Yikes!

Afterwards, Cochran commented that they all just probably gave each other herpes. Ha-ha! He was right, but the rest of his tribe didn't appreciate the comment.

That challenge was so disturbing I almost couldn't concentrate for the rest of the show. But, there was a great blindside tonight. Cochran and Jim somehow managed to get some of Ozzy's alliance to help them vote off Elyse, his little snuggle bunny! She never saw it coming and neither did Ozzy.

I'm sure he will not be a happy island dweller next week. Albert and Whitney stayed true to Ozzy (sort of) by throwing in a couple of useless votes for Dawn. I guess technically they were being true to Ozzy by NOT voting for Elyse but not so true to Ozzy because they didn't vote for Cochran as he told them to.

So, Cochran lives to see another day and, somehow, as annoying as he is, he is just savvy enough to maybe, just maybe get a few more people off before his ultimate demise. Maybe he'll sneak one in on Ozzy and Ozzy will be leaving? I hope, I hope, I hope…

In the meantime, I don't think I'll be making ham for Christmas… EW!!!

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That was classic Survivor! It had it all, bizarreness, romance, a gross Immunity Challenge, memorable quotes and backstabbing, which ultimately lead to the first blindside of season 23. It was awesome!

First the bizarreness – Coach is slowly morphing back into the crazy demented Dragon Slayer we grew to love in his two previous appearances on Survivor. When he heard that Christine and Stacey were referring to him as Benjamin at the Redemption Island duel, his reaction was priceless. We quickly learned that even his parents have called him Coach since her turned eighteen.

For romance we had the icky sweet relationship between hammock buddies, Ozzy and his concubine, Elyse. I was waiting for them to start saying, “No, I love you more!” but they refrained. As nauseating as she acts, I must admit that Elyse makes a mighty cute lapdog.

The gross Immunity Challenge was epic! Each tribe had their very own roasted pig on a spit. The challenge consisted of chewing and ripping as much flesh of the swine off the carcass using only their mouths and then transporting it to a box and spitting it in. The competitors had ten minutes and were gnawing like maniacs.

Apparently, there were no Muslims, Jews or Seventh-day Adventists competing.

More than once the meat would get caught in their teeth and a teammate would have to pull it out. In the end, Upolu was victorious with a grand total of 22 pounds and 12 ounces, beating Savaii by a scant 2 ounces. For their efforts, Upolu not only won immunity but they got to bring all the chewed up nasty, partially macerated pork back to camp to dine on. Pretty gross, huh?

Here are a few of the more memorable quotes from last night’s episode:

While ranting about being called Benjamin, a red-faced Coach blurted, “If anyone calls me Benjamin to my face, I will explode!”

As Ozzy gazed fondly into Elyse’s eyes while rocking side-by-side in their hammock, he uttered this gem, “You’re like my little omen.” Huh?

Later in the show Cochran stated that Ozzy was no longer the superhero he used to be, that he had become middle-aged Ozzy. He summed things up with, “He is a lazy ass.”

Evidently Cochran wasn’t the only member of Savaii that felt this way. Jim and Dawn, also fed up with the Ozzy/Elyse love fest, were backstabbing the couple and plotting their demise.

Jim finally masterminded a plan to hit Ozzy where it would hurt most. With the help of Cochran, Dawn, Whitney and Keith, Jim orchestrated the first blindside of the season and sent Elyse to Redemption Island.

Quick Wrap up: Christine won the Redemption Island duel which made lady mortician Stacey the third person eliminated. Blindside victim Elyse will square off with Christine in next week’s duel.

One last thing that I neglected to mention, Brandon is still a whiny little bitch. Until next time…from the booth.