Survivor 23.7

Here’s your Official Survivor: South Pacific Recap Trilogy for week seven:

Each week when I sit down to put in my two cents I think, “I hardly know where to begin!” This week is no exception. In fact, I don't know what they can possibly do to top this week’s episode!

Let's start by recapping the Redemption Island challenge. It was a typical Survivor challenge – part physical, part mental. Christine versus Mikayla and both ladies were determined. Nothing to make one even more determined than to hear your former teammates cheering on your competition. I think that put fuel in Christine’s fire and she won that thing with ease. I'm kind of rooting for her. The more I see her, the more I like her.

There was one panoramic Technicolor glorious ego boosting moment of Coach doing his Coach/Tai chi thing in the ocean as he chanted “I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy” and it cut to a huge rainbow as the music swelled. Wow. That was Oscar-worthy!

Coach continues to both amuse and repulse me as he led his tribe in prayer asking God to help them find an immunity idol he knew they already had. Frankly, if I was standing there at that moment I would have taken a step or two away from him lest I be caught in the lightening God might send to strike him down for his hypocrisy. I don't think you're supposed to use God to outwit your tribe, I'm just sayin'!

When he came back with Tree Mail and announced he'd found the Idol, which he had all along, I thought Brandon was going to cry! I recall reacting that way once in my life. I was 9 and my Dad bought me a new bike. Did I mention I was 9? Yes…well.

Actually, Coach and Upolu are getting a wee bit Jim Jones and Guyana like over all. After they won the Immunity/Reward Challenge he ordered them to get down on their knees in thankful praise. Upolu members might want to pass on the Kool-Aid at the next beach party! Of course, all of this high holiness sent silly Brandon into fits of glory. I was expecting him to break into tongues at any minute but he'll probably save that for the next time he's at Tribal Council.

This brings me to Savaii. Oh wacky, wacky Savaii. First, they put Cochran on rope duty during the Immunity/Reward Challenge. Now, I'm no genius but I'm pretty sure Cochran was never a boy scout and knows very little about tying or untying knots. I mean, the man wears his collar up and he's on an island for crying out loud!

So, of course, he screwed it up and got flustered. But not to worry because the great and powerful Wizard of Oz hatched a plan to send himself to Redemption and give Cochran his idol. Ozzy's so sure he's invincible that he made them all vote him off so he could go and beat the evil Christine and return, triumphant, just in time for a merge.

They “think” a merge is coming. They're not 100% sure, mind you, so this whole cockamamie plan could backfire. The best thing that could happen, and I'm hoping against hope that it does, is for Ozzy to get to Redemption and get his ass handed back to him in a hat by Christine. He may have overlooked the kind of internal fire staying alone at Redemption Island can give someone. Please, Christine, take him out! On a side note, he did make a cute Pippi Longstockings at the Immunity Challenge with his piggy tails and all.

This season really is the story of two egos. But, I have a suspicion that Coach and Ozzy will implode sooner or later and, so far; only tough Christine and wimpy Cochran seem to have anything inside them that will make them push for a big move. The rest of them are lemmings and will get picked off one at a time. Can't wait till next week. Until then I will be keeping my fingers crossed and hoping Ozzy loses the Redemption challenge which would then make him the all-time biggest DOOFUS in Survivor history!

This week was the Ozzie show, complete with pigtails and yet another dramatic emotional breakdown. But more about that in a minute. Let’s talk about my man Coach. I’ve decided that Coach should throw his hat in the ring for a political office. This week he quickly ditched his “honor, loyalty, and integrity” mantra for “kill or be killed” in the opening few minutes of the show. Say what?

He lead yet another prayer service with his tribe in which he prayed to Jesus to find the immunity idol that he already had found, then flip flopped again and allowed the idol to be “discovered” so that the team could be united. Coach, Coach, Coach!! You’re all over the place again! I declared loyalty to you and you’re acting like a member of Congress!

On to the Reward Challenge, where two players were tied together and blindfolded, then had to navigate an obstacle course and retrieve mask puzzle pieces. Lots of falls and head injuries ensued.

It was neck and neck until Upolu gained a big lead because Cochran couldn’t figure out how to tie the ropes for his team. I guess those Harvard smarts don’t involve knot work. The Upolu tribe won and they promptly held another prayer service where they again thanked Jesus and their heavenly Father, and Brandon once again did the “thanks for having my back bro” point to heaven move. I’m a religious gal myself, but it just seemed out of place and over the top.

But not to be upstaged by the righteous Upolu, the even more righteous Ozzy quickly took stage front and center. Sporting a lovely pair of silken braids, the Wizard of Oz took on the appearance of an angry schoolgirl as he had this week’s fit of outrage complete with attacking a wall. I don’t blame him for being upset…his team has totally sucked! 

And what was this week’s big reward?  A sneak preview of the soon to be released Adam Sandler movie in which Sandler apparently plays the main character AND his own twin sister.  Not only was it shameless product promotion CBS, but the movie looks awful.  After seeing the trailer for the movie, my husband just shook his head and said, “I would lose on purpose rather than see that movie”.  I hope the hot dogs and popcorn at least were good.

Back at Savaii Ozzy continued to be whiney, self righteous, silly and obnoxious. After the Redemption Island duel between Christine and Mikayla, in which Christine easily won, Ozzy declared that someone would need to now go to Redemption to “take her out”! The would-be assassin? The Wizard of Oz himself. 

After his petulant meltdown over the lost Immunity Challenge he marched into Savaii with his immunity idol around his neck and announced that he must be sent to Redemption. Some of his teammates, particularly Jim and Keith, did not think it was a good idea and rightly so.

But at tribal council, Ozzy stuck to his plan and gave Cochran the idol, putting forth a convoluted villain double agent scheme involving Cochran that I didn’t really understand. Probst pointed out that if Ozzy loses, he would leave the show an even bigger loser than last time.

What if the merge doesn’t happen right away?  What if Christine kicks Ozzy’s ass?  What if Cochran refuses to give back the idol? The Wizard named Oz doesn’t seem too worried about it. He gleefully ran down the path after tribal council like a kid heading off to the playground. Ridiculous. I hope that Christine, who was clearly on the verge of losing her mind out there, takes him out!! I’ve had enough of Ozzy.

Let’s get the Redemption Island Duel result out of the way right away. “Mikayla, your adventure has come to an end.” That’s right, Christine won her fifth duel in a row and is undefeated. The significance of her victory would set the tone for the rest of the show.

As soon as Ozzy and Cochran came back from watching the duel, Ozzy was talking a game-changing strategy. Actually, it was a zany, bizarre, madcap, screwy and downright wacky scheme. It was insane, is what it was!

The plan would be for Ozzy to give his Hidden Immunity Idol to Cochran and then go to Redemption Island. The next part of the plan would be for him to defeat Christine in the duel. This would even the tribes at six each, which is crucial because EVERYONE knows the merge is going to happen instantly after the duel.

Being a bit assumptive don’t you think, Ozzy? Besides presuming the merge is next up on the Survivor agenda, hasn’t he considered the possibility that the person on Redemption Island won’t immediately be returned to the newly merged tribe?

Evidently not, because those yahoos from Savaii went ahead and voted Ozzy off to Redemption Island. This despite Cochran turning in a God-awful performance in the Immunity Challenge that cost them Immunity and a chance to see an Adam Sandler movie while eating popcorn.

Speaking of God, I think my friend, Patty 4-Names put it best on facebook when she left this comment, “Coach is gonna get struck by a great, big bolt o’ lightning!” She was referring to Coach’s incessant praying.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe strongly in prayer. Because of my belief that prayer is indeed powerful, I feel that it should be done with sincerity and conviction.

Not to judge, but this was hardly the case with Coach’s intercessions this evening.

He was praying before the challenge, during the challenge and directly after the challenge. He even took the opportunity to ask “the Father” to help his Upolu tribe find the Hidden Immunity Idol. An Idol he already possessed. Liar, liar pants are on fire.

Cue the great, big bolt o’ lightning.

At the end of the night I had no idea whom I was rooting for anymore. On the Savaii side we have Ozzy making knuckleheaded decisions. Cochran is useless, hopeless, worthless and any other –less word you can think of. Jim, the “legal” dope dealer is smarmy and Dawn is neurotic. I guess that leaves Keith and Whitney. Yippee.

Over at camp Upolu there is the sacrilegious Coach and his ballistic altar boy Brandon Hantz running the prayer meetings. We also have Cowboy Rick and his bad porn mustache. Edna is just Edna and that isn’t a good thing. All you have left is Sophie and Albert. Wow.

 Christine over on Redemption Island is looking better and better all the time.

Until next time…from the booth.