Survivor 23.14

Here’s your Official Survivor: South Pacific Recap Trilogy for week 14:

Mary Beth’s 2Cents:

Okay, so the first part of tonight's episode was pretty exciting. I was so rooting for Edna to take out Ozzy in the Redemption Island challenge. Man, oh man, she came close. They had to put together a puzzle stack of cubes making sure that no one side had a repeating color. She very nearly had it but Ozzy is like Robocop. He's just plain indestructible.

What is it about him anyway? I suppose that normally when someone constantly excels at everything they do, that would be someone to look up to, to idolize. I mean, starving on an island? He can catch lots of fish. Need warmth? He can build a fire. He can survive in the wild as if he was born there. They could pack up and leave him there and he would be fine for the rest of his life. But I can't stand him! Must be his complete lack of humility. That and absolutely no sense of humor that I have seen. But I digress…

After that, Albert did a lot of blabbering about how he was a good player and how Rick was not and how Sophie was too smart and then more about how he was a good player and did a lots of great things in the game. Wait… What? Lemme think… What great things did Albert do? Hmm… Still thinking… Maybe voting the way Coach tells you to every single time is a great thing? I dunno… Can't think of anything else he did.

Albert spent some time trying to talk to almost everybody about some kind of strategy. Brandon irked Coach by showing a little Hantz and getting a bit pushy but they hugged it out like real men and all was well. But I digress…

At the Immunity Challenge it was up the wall to get puzzle pieces and down the wall to put them together. Brandon was like a rocket, shooting up and down that wall with lightning speed. Lil bugger won the challenge too. Won some pizza too! In what he called a “strategic move” he chose Rick to eat it with him. Not quite sure what that strategy was but there it was.

Rick let it slip over the pepperoni that Albert wanted to get Brandon out. (“Let it slip over the pepperoni”. Sounds a little dirty. I apologize. But I'm leaving it in! LOL) Brandon had one of his patented Brandon Hantz freak out moments and confronted Albert. Then they hugged it out like real men do. (A lot of that going on lately!) But I digress…

Finally in what was probably the most boneheaded move ever – Brandon GAVE Albert his Immunity Necklace. GAVE IT TO HIM!! In a show of good faith and trust and blah blah blabbity blah! He was reassured that he was safe right up until the moment they voted his pathetic whiney emotional butt OFF to Redemption Island.

Predictions: Next time, Ozzy will win the final Redemption challenge. There's no way Brandon will beat him and no way they're not bringing Ozzy back after all this time. Final three? Coach, Ozzy and Rick. Winner? I hate to say it but it will be Ozzy. BUT I think it should be Coach. All Ozzy had to do was fish and do one challenge per week. Coach had to actually outwit the rest of these dunderheads.

Jamie’s Prognosis:

It’s appropriate that the finale for Survivor always takes place on the Lord’s Day of Sunday, because the Lord is clearly the “other” player in this game this season. This week’s episode began with a prayer amongst the final five as they spiritually celebrated the ouster of Edna, which was clearly the work of the Lord. 

You know, I consider myself to be quite spiritual.  I believe that God is all-powerful and all knowing and nothing happens that He does not know about. But this week I began to feel that God was being used to win a million dollars. And I didn’t like it.

Anyhoooo, the first order of business was the duel on Redemption Island between Edna and Cockzy, who of course didn’t bat a man lash at the “competition” that Edna presented. And I wasn’t necessarily disagreeing with him. She is a terrible player. However, in a surprise move she actually gave the Ozmeister a run for his money as they both struggled to basically solve a Rubix cube puzzle. 

The player bystanders from Te Tuna were tossing out encouragement and help to her, but once again Edna fell short of the mark and the Snozzy won again. Ugh!! I, along with the rest of Te Tuna let out a silent shreak of “crrrraaaaaappppppppppp”!!

Back at Te Tuna, the remaining five went into a frenzy of game play as they began to discuss who should go next. In short, Albert wanted Sophie out but Sophie wanted Brandon out and Coach was becoming more annoyed with Brandon, and Brandon was still loyal to Coach and Albert and Rick was just Rick, agreeing with everyone.

Then came the Immunity Challenge, and something amazing and unexpected happened. Brandon won both immunity AND a pizza delivered via Jet Ski. Divine intervention?  Perhaps. I can’t really explain it any other way, can you?  It seemed like kind of a hard challenge that involved both physical and mental skill and it made me think that tomorrow I am going to point to heaven a bunch of times like Brandon does just to see what happens.

Back at camp, more scrambling and religiosity ensued and now Albert was on the chopping block. Sophie, tiring of Albert’s overbearing ways, successfully stirred the soup and in short order the entire tribe was set against him. Or so it seemed. You see, Albert knew that poor Brandon is as malleable as well chewed bubble gum. He went right at him and basically played poor Brandon like a fiddle.

He said all of the words that were needed (not that many were necessary), and within a few short minutes Brandon looked Albert in the eye and said that he would give Albert his immunity necklace. Say what??

And this is where the Lord jumped in to the game play again with all of his almighty power. Brandon went to his new father figure Coach and told him his decision.

Coach looked very uncomfortable. Brandon explained that God had spoken to him, and that he was confident in his decision because he believed in Coach’s loyalty to him. Ouch!

It then got even murkier with talk of forgiveness and the will of God. When Brandon told Coach that he knew that this is what God wanted them to do, Coach pulled a “whoa there little buddy” Skipper to Gilligan stance, explaining that “this is what God wants YOU to do”.

Then Coach humbly bowed down and asked for the holy spirit of divine wisdom to guide him in his betrayal. I was on the edge of my seat… Would God turn against his most loyal little island buddy? 

Like a lamb lead to slaughter, at Tribal Council Brandon wasted no time in giving up his Immunity Necklace to Albert.  Everyone looked stunned EXCEPT for Brandon who tried to explain his loyalties and brought up his past as a former gang member.

This poor kid just wants to be liked. And I truly loved it when Probst laid down the challenge to Albert that if he was the good Christian man that he is claiming to be he would give the necklace back to poor lost Brandon. He, of course, did not and Brandon was voted off. 

After his ouster, Coach and Brandon embraced and Coach said unto Brandon “It’s God’s will, now go forth and win Redemption”. It was a very Charlton Heston as Moses-like moment and I was both moved and disturbed. 

We shall see how the Lord worketh this Sunday. I suspecteth that Albert shall not be forgiven of his trespasses and shalt pay for his sins by being the next one chosen by God to go home.

The Booth’s Bits:

The Third Commandment reads: Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of the Lord in Vain. Hello Rick. Hello Albert. Hello Coach. HELLO BRANDON. What in God’s name is wrong with you people?!? Sorry, I had to say that. Do you honestly believe that God gives a damn who you vote off on some dumb reality show set in the South Pacific? Do you really? Come on, you guys aren’t really that delusional are you?

Who do these people think they are putting all that pressure on God?

Earlier in the week, Albert Pujols signed with the Angels and his wife said, “It’s just like God to put us on a team called the Angels.” I thought I had heard everything. Really, Deidre Pujols. Ya, God is a real rascal, isn’t he? Next He will put Prince Fielder on the Kansas City Royals because he is royalty. What’s wrong with people?

However, Rick, Albert, Coach and Brandon make Deidre Pujols look like a rank amateur when it comes to blasphemy. They are in a league of their own.

Was I the only one waiting for a giant lightning bolt to come shooting out of the sky and hit Albert? Was it just happenstance that the Immunity Necklace fell off his neck as Brandon was being banished to Redemption Island? I think not. Perhaps it was, dare I say, divine intervention. Hmm?

And you Coach… After all of that of that sanctimonious supplication you want us to believe that God really told you to blatantly lie to the mentally fragile Brandon? You should be ashamed of yourself, you sacrilegious boob.

Rick, you’re as bad as the rest of them. You got right in there and Kumbaya’d it up with the rest of them. Your time would have been better spent praying for a mustache trimmer and some new sox. A cowboy with black sox… Really?

And finally there is the addled Brandon, the final member of Coach’s Christian Coalition. Hopefully Ozzy will make quick work of you in the Redemption Island duel. That way you can go to find a nice dark room where you can lie down and ask what God wants you to do next. Maybe he will have you cure world hunger or Aids…

At least those four hypocrites will be well prepared for an eternity of damnation. They all have a lot of experience being in a real hot place wearing raggedy clothes.

That leaves monkey boy Ozzy and the doe-eyed Sophie to vie for the million dollars. Unless… What if Producer Mark Burnett pulled off the greatest twist of all time and brings in Tim Tebow for the Finale? YES! Wouldn’t it be totally spectacular to see Ozzy get Tebowed? Oh man, I can’t wait for Sunday night.

Until next time…from the booth.