I cannot stand seeing Tarzan hulking around with his man-boobs flapping and his junk perilously close to falling out of his nasty, disgusting bikini underwear. The man has more hair then a grizzly too. And I really didn't need the repeated discussion of how that was not poop on his undies but only dirt. I threw up a little. I really did.
I also cannot stand how easily people can find the Immunity Idol! I mean, c'mon! Let's see… Troyzan wakes up earlier than the rest so he goes for a walk. Walks about 20 feet, looks up and VOILA! He finds the damn Idol. Really? They need to fire whoever was in charge of hiding those things because they really suck at the job.
I am also over the fact that each week one, some or all of them are going to win some kind of huge meal. I mean, for crying out loud, next season why not just take both tribes to Red Lobster and let them have an eating contest.
These people voted off Jonas tonight, who was providing them with food. But you know what? They didn't need him because CBS has been filling their bellies weekly! His few fish cannot compete with pizza, beer or whatever else they're bound to get.
Lastly, I'm tired of waiting for one of these chuckleheads to start strategizing. I mean really strategizing, not just saying the word strategizing over and over again like they know what it means. This group is no brain trust, I tell ya.
It's maddening that no one knows how to play this game and, more than that, I am getting a bit bored with the whole thing. Again, I've watched every single season of this show and I never thought I would say that.
Will this get better? I can only hope. I love this show and I hate to feel this way about it. I want it to be exciting and full of real twists and turns, not silly contrivances. And I want to see people make bold moves that matter, not have an entire tribe of coat tail holders who now have no one to attach themselves to.
There. I feel better now having gotten that off my chest. I think I'm going to go watch old reruns of Russell Hantz and long for the good ol', bad ol’ days!
Jamie’s Prognosis: The Trouble with Tarzan
This week as I sat down to watch Survivor: One World, I said to myself… this week I am going to try to find a player or two that I can root for! Damn it there must be someone out there that I can start to feel “Coachlike” about. What about the little guy? YES… I’m going to try to root for the little guy.
I was feeling good about things. The episode opened with the 6 men and 6 women left merging and heading back to the “one world” beach. What was the point of them going off to two beaches for such a short time anyways?
I don’t know.
I sometimes get the feeling that during the game the behind the scenes crew was scrambling to do something… anything… with this dud of a crowd to keep things interesting.
Back on the one world beach, I was thinking that maybe I would also start rooting for Jay cause he’s pretty. And then he wouldn’t share his coffee and he is just such a surly downer. I don’t like surly folks so I eliminated him as a candidate for my support.
At the reward challenge the tribes were divided into two teams and had to dig a hole in the sand to get under a barrier. Little Leif went first. He dug his hole. He’s small… getting through a hole dug in the sand should be easy for this fella except he doesn’t understand basic body mechanics and dove into the hole head first. Of course the human body doesn’t bend backwards as well as it does forwards and little Leif got stuck. Leif? Out!!
The other team (Alicia, Christina, Jay, Sabrina, Chelsea and Troyzan) won and was treated to pizza and beer and a clue that said (brace yourselves) there was ANOTHER immunity necklace hidden not so well on their beach. Ya don’t say!
This was Troyzan’s week. He got up early and seemingly found the immunity necklace with ease (BORING BORING BORING - whoever is in charge of hiding those damn things COME UP WITH A BETTER HIDING PLACE!!!!) It was NOT Tarzan’s week though.
Here is the trouble with Tarzan. He’s just weird and gross. As the tribe mates hung out on the beach it became apparent that Tarzan (have I pointed out yet this week that he is a SURGEON?) poops in his pants. He half-heartedly tried to deny it but no one was buying it and it really grossed everyone out. He’s just so weird and yucky UGH!!
The season’s first individual immunity challenge involved balancing balls on a plate. Of course Tarzan, who in his daily job as a plastic surgeon should have above average dexterity and focus, couldn’t even balance one ball for more than a minute! And this guy is the “captain of your operating room?” (He actually said that tonight). Crazy!
Troyzan continued his winning streak by being the first recipient of individual immunity, and things got a little weird when he gushed, “Jeff Probst is touching me”… Hmmm…
What happened after the challenge was just stooooopid. It became clear that not only is there no solid leadership or consensus, but no one has any real strategy whatsoever. They were all just bouncing all over the place. For whatever reason they seemed to turn on chef Jonas, the person who is FEEDING them.
This dude can turn coconut scraps and seawater into faux potato chips. He is a total follower with no good strategy or brains of his own. Why would you vote HIM out at this point? I could see the women wanting to vote him out, but Tarzan doesn’t like him and it seems that the other lost players actually listen to crazy Dr. T. now that bitchy Colton is gone.
So Jonas got voted off. And I still have no one to root for. I still don’t like any of these people. In real life I would NEVER let Tarzan operate on me. I would not let Leif draw my blood. I would not let Alicia go anywhere near my children much less teach them. I would not take career advice from Christina. I would not let Troyzan take pictures of me in my swimsuit. I WOULD let Jay model for me but that is beside the point. I’m still not rooting for him to win the game.
Back to this season. The newly formed Tikiano tribe can be divided into these groups - the Good, the Bad and the Stupid.
First the Good.
Troyzan – he earned this distinction by finding the Hidden Immunity Idol while the rest slept. He knows the game of Survivor. He is a closet Fellow Survivor Geek.
Chelsea and Kim – are both well-rounded, competitive players. Not only are they easy to get along with; they are also easy on the eyes. Very easy. Very.
Sabrina – is another strong woman from the old Salani tribe. She is extremely honest, almost to a fault. This could prove to be her downfall later in the game.
Jay – is in this group because he is neither Bad nor Stupid. Okay, maybe a little stupid, but in a good way like Kelso on That 70’s Show.
Christina – based on the compassion she showed slime bag Colton last week after the way he treated her, she more than qualifies for the good category. Frankly, she should be in the Mother Teresa classification.
Now for the Bad.
Michael – you could make an argument that he is similar to Jay – very Kelso-esque. Unfortunately, because his beard is rapidly approaching his eyeballs on the way to his forehead, he drops into the Bad group. Call me superficial.
Leif – listen, I’ve got nothing against little people, but the pierced nipples really creep me out. Come to think of it, he might be qualified to star with Bridget the Midget in a BDSM featurette.
Alicia – the baddest of the Bad. Had it not been for dirt bag Colton, she would easily earn top honors for the being the most black-hearted. And the torture she puts those leopard print panties through…
Finally, the Stupid.
Kat – so far she is the Sole Survivor when it comes to stupidity. Hands down. Last week after scum bucket Colton was stricken with appendicitis, she wanted to know what an appendix was and wanted to make sure she wouldn't catch it.
Although I never read my esteemed colleagues contributions before writing mine, I am sure that they have done an exemplary job of reporting the details. With that in mine. I do not want to be redundant. Therefore, I will leave you with the top 4 quotes from week seven of Survivor: One World.
4. From Tarzan when expressing his disgust with the way Jonas was talking about Michael – “He doesn’t have to throw him OVER the bus.”
3. Again from Tarzan. This time when some of the ladies were “doing laundry” – “I swear it’s not poop. Honest, it’s dirt.” This gem was repeated at least four times.
The top two quotes came from Emmy award-winning host Jeff Probst during the Immunity Challenge where the competitors had to balance several balls on a round platter while balancing on a small beam.
2. “Troyzan’s balls haven’t moved in a long time.” This drew a concerned look from Troyzan.
1. Far and away best quote of the evening - “Michael with balls hanging on both sides of his disc.” Okay, I’m superficial AND sophomoric.
Until next time…from the booth.
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