I Need A Real Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!

After throwing away two hours last night and another sixty minutes tonight, I have decided to pull the plug on NBC’s “I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!” Over the course of the next few weeks, I will undoubtedly tune in from time to time, but tonight is the last time I will waste any significant time writing about this horrible excuse for a reality show.

I am through having this show offend my senses. The only thing that made me even think about continuing to write about this ignominious failure was when Stephen Baldwin was “baptizing” the insipid Spencer Pratt in the river.

Unfortunately Baldwin didn’t do us all a favor and drown the slimy creep. Perhaps Baldwin can be granted a “mulligan” for “Slap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice”, but this cannot be forgiven.

You’re Not Celebrities…Get Out of Here!

Seriously, the Pratt Brats had to be kidding when they declared themselves “Super Celebrities”. In the “Celebrity Spectrum” they barely rank ahead of Frangela, who I had never heard of prior to this show and Sanjaya who I vaguely remember from American Idol.

The rest of the cast isn’t much better. Patti Blagojevich. Enough said. Sure Janice Dickinson was a super model - Forty years ago! Now she is more famous for appearing on shows like this.

Stephen Baldwin’s main claim to fame is being one of the acting Baldwin brothers and turning to God. After his performance on this show he had better ask for forgiveness.

John Salley, former NBA star, is still somewhat relevant in that he is currently one of the hosts of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" on Fox Sports Network. Torrie Wilson’s “stardom” is a little dimmer since she no longer wrestles and hasn’t posed naked in quite a while.

For my money, the biggest celebrity on the show is Lou Diamond Phillips. Besides the considerable amount of films and TV shows that he has appeared in, he is also the subject of Punky Bruiser’s favorite joke.

Who is Punky Bruiser? 

She was my favorite performer on A&E’s Rollergirls. Rollergirls was a thirteen episode 2006 A&E Network reality show examining the personalities, antics and motivations of the women involved with the Austin, Texas Lonestar Rollergirls roller derby league. She skated (and still does) with The Holy Rollers.

Now that, my friend, was quality reality television. So much so, I even purchased the entire series on DVD and the complex Punky Bruiser was the best! A hardnosed competitor, she would have kicked Heidi and Spencer’s collective ass twenty minutes into the first program. She is one tough cookie.

Punky Bruiser

During Rollergirls we learned that outside of the rink, it was a different story for Punky. While roller derby had definitely boosted her confidence, she still felt a bit lost. She worked as waitress and had a part-time gig at a clothing store, but didn’t really know what she wanted to do with her life.

One particular episode revealed that Punky had a secret desire to be a standup comic. That’s when I first heard her favorite joke. I chuckle just thinking about it. I would be remiss if I didn’t share it with you.  Here it is:

Q: What did one Lou Diamond say to the other Lou Diamond?
A: It’s Lou Diamond!!!

Punky Bruiser. There’s a real celebrity. Where’s that Rollergirls DVD? Until next time…from the booth.

Crushes

Farrah Fawcett, 62, died Thursday morning at St. John's Health Center in Santa Monica. Fawcett played Jill Munroe in the original cast of the 1970s TV show Charlie's Angels. Though her death is tragic and heart-rending, it does bring back many happy memories of Fawcett. The show made her a star and she briefly became America's hottest pin-up; a famous poster of her wearing a red swimsuit plus her lush mane of blonde hair sold a reported 12 million copies.

Although not a huge fan of the show, I will admit to having owned a copy of that poster. Being an eighteen-year-old male at the time, it somehow seemed appropriate. The thing is that I am not really sure whether or not I had a crush on Miss Fawcett. However there were other women that I definitely did have a crush on.

Thinking back, there were quite a few ladies that I was infatuated with as I grew up, some to the point of obsession. Here is a list of the members of the fairer sex that I had a short-lived passion for.

The first one that comes to mind is Karen Valentine. She is best known for her role as schoolteacher "Alice Johnson" in the TV series Room 222. The only teacher I had that was even close to her was Miss Miller at Lance Junior High.

Julie Newmar was another early crush. Her most famous role is Catwoman in the Batman television series. It just might have been the costume…

Eve Plumb is best known for her portrayal of Jan Brady in the television sitcom The Brady Bunch from 1969–74. Jan, Jan, Jan!

Dawn Wells is best known for her role as Mary Ann Summers on the sitcom Gilligan's Island from 1964 until 1967. Ginger was too obvious for me.

There was a strict obsession with Dorothy Hamill the figure skater. She is the 1976 Olympic champion. I gladly paid the library fine when I didn’t return the Sports Illustrated magazine featuring Hamill on the cover.

Connie Needham is best known for her role as Elizabeth Bradford on the television series Eight is Enough, which she played from 1977 to 1981.

I have had a long time crush on Elaine Joyce. She made guest appearances in such series as The Andy Griffith Show, The Red Skelton Show, Love, American Style, Kojak, Green Acres, and Hawaii Five-O, and was a regular panelist on Match Game. Thank goodness for the Game Show Network.

Another one of my crushes that shows up on GSN is Markie Post. She is best known for her 1985–1992 role as public defender Christine Sullivan on the NBC sitcom Night Court.

Valerie Landsburg is best known for her role as Doris Schwartz in the 1982 series Fame. There was some inexplicable quality about her that made me watch Fame religiously.

Crystal Bernard is best known as strong-willed airport lunch-counter operator Helen Chappel Hackett on the sitcom Wings from1990-1997. She also played K.C. Cunningham on Happy Days and Amy Tompkins on It’s a Living.

Another sitcom female that I had a crush on was Heather Langenkamp who played Marie Lubbock on the television series Just the Ten of Us from 1988 to 1990.

Lea Thompson is best known for her lead character in the 1990s NBC series Caroline in the City. We had better not discuss her role in All the Right Moves…

Another “athlete” that I had a soft spot for was Lace (Marisa Pare) who was an original American Gladiator and competed from 1989-1992. Once I saw those lacey red tights she had me.

Holly Hallstrom was one of the models ("Barker's Beauties") on the daytime game show The Price Is Right, from 1977–1995. I still despise Bob Barker for causing her dismissal.

Although Loni Anderson was the pin-up girl, I preferred Jan Smithers who portrayed Bailey Quarters on the television series WKRP in Cincinnati. I guess it’s like Ginger and Mary Ann. Go figure.

And finally there is Punky Bruiser (Marta Mendoza) who starred in A&E’s 2006 Rollergirls and has had roles in the films Death Proof and Grindhouse. I have never seen either of the movies, but I do own an autographed photo of Punky.

Rest in peace Farrah and thank you for bringing back some old and a few not-so-old fond memories. Until next time…from the booth.

I Need A Real Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!

After throwing away two hours last night and another sixty minutes tonight, I have decided to pull the plug on NBC’s “I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!” Over the course of the next few weeks, I will undoubtedly tune in from time to time, but tonight is the last time I will waste any significant time writing about this horrible excuse for a reality show.

I am through having this show offend my senses. The only thing that made me even think about continuing to write about this ignominious failure was when Stephen Baldwin was “baptizing” the insipid Spencer Pratt in the river.

Unfortunately Baldwin didn’t do us all a favor and drown the slimy creep. Perhaps Baldwin can be granted a “mulligan” for “Slap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice”, but this cannot be forgiven.

You’re Not Celebrities…Get Out of Here!

Seriously, the Pratt Brats had to be kidding when they declared themselves “Super Celebrities”. In the “Celebrity Spectrum” they barely rank ahead of Frangela, who I had never heard of prior to this show and Sanjaya who I vaguely remember from American Idol.

The rest of the cast isn’t much better. Patti Blagojevich. Enough said. Sure Janice Dickinson was a super model - Forty years ago! Now she is more famous for appearing on shows like this.

Stephen Baldwin’s main claim to fame is being one of the acting Baldwin brothers and turning to God. After his performance on this show he had better ask for forgiveness.

John Salley, former NBA star, is still somewhat relevant in that he is currently one of the hosts of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" on Fox Sports Network. Torrie Wilson’s “stardom” is a little dimmer since she no longer wrestles and hasn’t posed naked in quite a while.

For my money, the biggest celebrity on the show is Lou Diamond Phillips. Besides the considerable amount of films and TV shows that he has appeared in, he is also the subject of Punky Bruiser’s favorite joke.

Who is Punky Bruiser?

She was my favorite performer on A&E’s Rollergirls. Rollergirls was a thirteen episode 2006 A&E Network reality show examining the personalities, antics and motivations of the women involved with the Austin, Texas Lonestar Rollergirls roller derby league. She skated (and still does) with The Holy Rollers.


Now that, my friend, was quality reality television. So much so, I even purchased the entire series on DVD and the complex Punky Bruiser was the best! A hardnosed competitor, she would have kicked Heidi and Spencer’s collective ass twenty minutes into the first program. She is one tough cookie.

During Rollergirls we learned that outside of the rink, it was a different story for Punky. While roller derby had definitely boosted her confidence, she still felt a bit lost. She worked as waitress and had a part-time gig at a clothing store, but didn’t really know what she wanted to do with her life.

One particular episode revealed that Punky had a secret desire to be a standup comic. That’s when I first heard her favorite joke. I chuckle just thinking about it. I would be remiss if I didn’t share it with you. Here it is:

Q: What did one Lou Diamond say to the other Lou Diamond?
A: It’s Lou Diamond!!!

Punky Bruiser. There’s a real celebrity. Where’s that Rollergirls DVD? Until next time…from the booth.