Be Careful What You Wish For

For those delusional fans that are in denial and say they don’t care that former New York Jet quarterback, Number 4, is playing with the Minnesota Vikings, I am offering a service for you. I will do the caring for you. That’s right, although you say you really don’t give a damn that Number is playing for the hated Vikings, I do. Therefore, because I care enough, I will provide you with some random thoughts regarding Bugtussle Mississippi’s favorite son.

Ever since Number 4 had his exceptionally fragile feelings hurt by the diabolical Ted Thompson’s refusal to cater to his ever whim, he has been seething, plotting revenge.

How dare Terrible Ted not trade for Randy Moss when he told him to! The gall of the Packer GM allowing Mike Wahle and Marco Rivera leave the Packers, especially after Number 4 advised him not to. And when Thompson had the audacity not to interview Steve Mariucci for the position of head coach, well that was it! Something had to be done.

Because of Thompson’s refusal to coddle his star quarterback, it was now obvious. The Packers did not appreciate him and worse yet, didn’t love him. Ma Bonita and idiot brother Scott told him so. It had to be true.

All Number 4 had to do was to come up with a plan to deal appropriate retribution to the evil General Manager of the Green and Gold.

But how?

That’s when the first of an endless number of retirements took place. Then months later, Number 4 finally had his mind made up by the Bugtussle Mafia that he wanted to play again. Unfortunately, the Packers had a business to run and had made plans without him.

After some unnecessary drama, Number 4’s sinister plan started to unfold. He demanded a trade. And he wanted to be traded to the Packer’s archrival, the Vikings. That way he would teach the Packers what happens to those that do not show him enough appreciation, especially villainous bastards like Ted Thompson.

But Thompson, being the evil genius that he is, threw a wrench in his plan and traded him to the New York Jets. Number 4, being the gutsy professional that he is, played out the season with the Jets but not before alienating teammates and a new fan base.

Time to get on with the plan. Time for another retirement. Good-bye New York.

Now what? If we are to believe the crap being fed us by ESPN and Bus “Colonel Parker” Cook, Number 4 decided to give it one more shot and play again.

But wait, with whom? The MINNESOTA VIKINGS, that’s who! The same Minnesota Vikings, who three weeks earlier had said their efforts to sign Number 4 to play this season had come to an end.

Evidently he got “the itch” on Monday. Then he conferred with the brains of the Bugtussle Mafia, daughter Breleigh and was told he should go win one more Super Bowl. Eighteen short hours later, Viking head coach/chauffeur Brad “Mr. Noodle” Childress was whisking Number 4 from the airport to the practice field in Minnesota.

On Friday he started in the Vikings’ second preseason game. Obviously, it will clearly take a little more time for he and the Vikings to get used to each other; he finished 1-4 for 4 yards with several false starts.

But all the parts of the plan are in place, so don’t be too alarmed Breleigh, the Super Bowl doesn’t take place until February 7, 2010.

Unless the inconceivable happens and the Vikings don’t win Super Bowl XLIV. Maybe things don’t go as smoothly as the Bugtussle Mafia had hoped.

Perhaps Ziggy and Mr. Noodle won’t be so tolerant of Number 4’s propensity for throwing into double-coverage or his need for separate locker room accommodations. Estranging himself from his teammates would definitely be bad.

Hopefully Number 4 and the Vikings will mesh quickly and not have any early season struggles. Heaven forbid the good people of Minnesota boo their newly anointed savior. We all know how petulant he can become when he feels unwanted. It isn’t pretty.

Lastly, unthinkable as it might be, Number 4 could get knocked down and not bounce back up with a grin. Maybe he isn’t able to answer the bell for game 273 or game 277. And don’t forget, that ESPN’s Ed Werder reported that the quarterback, who turns 40 on October 10th, has a small rotator cuff tear in his throwing shoulder. Never a good thing.

It is evident that I do indeed care that Number 4 has joined the Minnesota Vikings, even if you don’t. He may finally be able to dispense sweet revenge on Ted Thompson, the Green Bay Packers and the despicable fans that just couldn’t bring themselves to love him enough.

Maybe. Or maybe not.

Number 4; be careful what you wish for. Until next time…from the booth.