Survivor 25.4

Because Jamie had to go out of town unexpectedly tonight, our Survivor blogging triumvirate has been reduced to two. Therefore, here is the Official Survivor: Philippines Recap Duologue for week four:
 

 Ah, the Philippines – land of blue lagoons, lush green forest and what seems like almost constant rain. The people on this season of Survivor look miserable, wet and cold. There also seem to be no end to the wide variety of enormous bugs there as evidenced by the many close up shots of creepy green mantis thingies and hideous clown-like spiders. I, for one, am glad I am not there.

The Philippines is also host to one of the more astoundingly bad showings that any tribe has had in the history of Survivor. In just nine days on the island, Matsing is down to three people. It's been amazing watching this tribe lose person after person to become the skeleton that they are now.

Remaining on Matsing at the start of the show – Malcolm (doesn't he remind anyone else of Orlando Bloom? Sigh…), Denise (three reasons to like her – she is from the Midwest, she used the word bamboozled tonight, and she's a damn good player!) and Russell (“I'm designed as God's perfect creation of excellence!”) Swann.

Over at Kalabaw, Jonathon Penner started making some moves to keep himself moving forward. He was making alliances with Jeff Kent who previously wanted to get rid of Penner because he was a veteran and didn't think a veteran should win. Now that he's spent some time with the younger, more brainless people on Kalabaw, he's changed his mind.

They brought Carter (Who?) along for good measure, but now they have created a rift between the men and women. The women expressed their disdain for being “written off” because they are women. I swear at this point in the show I could hear that old Helen Reddy song playing in the background. “I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore…”

Over at Tandang, the guy I never knew existed until last week, Pete, placed the hidden idol clue back in RC's bag in full view of her supposed gal pal Abi. The others saw it and so now all know what the clue says. They don't know that Abi has the idol already, nor does RC but that didn't stop Abi, who shall now be called Polly Paranoia, from blowing a gasket and proclaiming RC dead to her.

RC tried to get her other ally, Sneaky Pete, to explain what happened but he backed out stating, “This is between you two…” Pete, who was off the radar until last week, may have pulled a move evil enough to start me making comparisons to something Russell Hantz might have done. Nah… Not yet… It was evil, but not that evil and certainly not as great as something Hantz would have done.

Meanwhile, at the ever dwindling Matsing, Russell Swann was talking. And talking and talking and talking and his voice was so grating that I wanted to reach into my television and punch him in the head. He was starting to wear on Malcolm Orlando Bloom (sigh…). Russell Swann decided to try to find the idol since he had the clue. He was looking all over the place without much luck or finesse and Denise saw him and, being a smarty pants, put two and two together and realized he either had the idol or was looking for it.

At Immunity/Reward challenge, Kalabaw and Tandang had to sit three players out because Matsing only had three players total. They had to carry heavy rice pots through an obstacle course, set the pots on poles and then smash them with a wrecking ball.

Malcolm, my Malcolm, started off like gangbusters giving Matsing an early lead but they weren't able to hold onto it and, once again, Matsing lost and was off to Tribal Council. But, not before Russell Swann broke into loud plaintive cries of “why God! WHY!???” He told Probst he was a “perfect creation” and expected excellence.

Funny, because I can't for the life of me understand why everyone thinks Russell Swann is such a great athletic player. Sure, he's got muscles but he is never doing very much to help them win. And he's a really bad loser!

Russell explained to Denise that it all stems from getting beaten up when he was a kid and standing up to the kid that beat him up and how punching that kid made him know he would never “cower to anyone”. It's a great story but I still don't know what the heck he was talking about.

In the end, neither did Malcolm Cutie-pie or Denise and they blindsided ol' Russell Swann right off the show. That kind of made me happy. He was annoying and I couldn't take his googly eyes and high pitched voice much longer.

I hope that there's a merge pretty soon because I really like Denise and I think I made it clear how much I like Malcolm. But if they are only two against many… Neither one will last long!
 

 Okay, I’m not pulling any punches. I’m going to really tell you how I feel. So far the Silver Anniversary season of the greatest reality show has been promising. Very promising. So much so, that I was looking forward to with great anticipation. I had my pad and pencil ready and the popcorn was popped. All that was needed was to hear the haunting and melodious “OY LULI-LULI-LULI” that starts every episode of Survivor.

Then it happened. We got a big steaming pile of crap. And, adding insult to injury, they insulted our intelligence.

The show began with us being reminded that it rains all the time in the Philippines and the castaways are miserable. Okay, we get it already! How about a second challenge each week like the old days?!? Oh wait, you can’t do that because Matsing sucks and barely has enough people to compete in one challenge, let alone two.

Before we got to the Immunity/Reward Combo Challenge, we got to see Rosie Perez wannabe Abi continue to be a bitch to the adorable RC. She now has a toady – Pete “the chaos creator”. He planted the Hidden Immunity clue in RC’s bag so everyone could see it.

When the rest of Tandang saw it, chaos was indeed created. Abi said something like, “Maybe the rats put it there” and the enchanting RC visibly feared for her own well-being.

Man, I loathe Abi and Pete.

When we finally got to the Immunity/Reward Combo Challenge, Survivor violated a rule that has been in place since Sue Hawk was calling Richard Hatch a snake in season one.

Let me explain.

Because Matsing is so very dreadful, they only have three people left. This forced Kalabaw and Tandang to sit out three of their members. Okay, that is fine. However, it’s not fine that they let the same people sit out that didn’t participate in last week’s Immunity/Reward Combo Challenge! That is the rule! Sack-eyed Lisa and that little hyena Abi sat out consecutive challenges! There may have been more. What gives? I do believe I am going to send a strongly worded letter to Standards and Practices!

Of course Kalabaw and Tandang won Immunity, Matsing lost and Russell Swan got all spastic. Real spastic. So much so, Probst the host had to chastise him most vehemently in front of everyone. It was at this point, I think it was 7:35 pm Central Time, that it was quite obvious that Russell Swan was going to be sent backing. There was no point in even going to Tribal Council to discuss it.

But no, producer Mark Burnett decides to make us believe there is some sort of long shot that Denise and Malcolm DON’T vote Swan off. Puh-leze! You didn’t have to have seen all 337 episodes like me to realize what was going to happen. Even the great host Probst struggled to make things exciting at Tribal Council.

Of course, as I knew twenty minutes earlier, Swan had his flame snuffed and was kicked off the island. The only one who was surprised by the vote was Swan himself. When he said, “I was totally blindsided”, he was immortalized as one of the worst players ever.

As I wrap up this week’s recap, I feel obligated to try and leave you with at least a couple of positive things. Let’s see… Mike Skupin didn’t injure himself or even bleed. And, there was that shot of RC walking down the beach in her leopard print bikini AWAY from the camera.

That’s all I got. Until next time…from the booth.

The Good Old Days

Because I wasn’t feeling up to it last night, the Survivor: Redemption Island review is being written on Thursday, just like the good old days.  Maybe not being able to do the blog last night was actually a blessing in disguise. Even though this is the second season since Survivor moved to Wednesdays, I am still not used to it. Invariably, after posting the blog, I go to bed thinking that tomorrow is Friday. Not this time. Nope, I’m writing my Survivor recap blog on Thursday, just like the good old days.

Unfortunately the show isn’t like the good old days. Not even close.

For example, the Reward challenges have become blatant commercials. This season it was Sears Craftsman Tools and Sprint G4 Phones.

The Immunity challenge rewards have become laughably ridiculous. In the past you were lucky to win fishing hooks, a net or a flint. Those basic items all have been awarded again this season – along with lawn chairs, pillows, tarps, bowls, a brunch complete with coffee and mugs, the afore mentioned tools, a luxury lunch, a picnic, cheeseburgers, chocolate cake and milk.

What happened to eating bugs and worms? This is friggin’ Club Med compared to what Hatch, Rudy and Sue Hawk went through in season one.

Another huge departure from the good old days is the quality of the competitors. They are a bunch of whiny, mindless fools that act as if they have never seen an episode of this award-winning reality show. They have no idea how to play the game.

If Boston Rob would say, “Jump”, his empty-headed marionettes would reply in unison, “How high?” Then afterward, Natalie or Ashley would gush, “Boston Rob is so smart.” Morons.

As evidence as to how chowderheaded these people are, this is the first time in Survivor history that a tribe has stayed completely intact after the merge. Ometepe stayed one big happy family under the guidance of the cunning Boston Rob.

How did that work out for you, Andrea? Tricky, tricky, that Boston Rob.

Reluctantly, I have to give the members of the Zapatera tribe some credit. Much to my chagrin, on day 6, they conspired to eliminate Russell Hantz. They knew that they had to get rid of the greatest player in Survivor history. Unfortunately, they did it too soon and were decimated by Boston Rob’s gang of faithful zombies.

That being said, there are only two episodes left of season 22 of Survivor, next Wednesday and the finale on Sunday, May 15. Hopefully, Grant, Natalie, Ashley and Special Agent Phil will figure out that they need to blindside their fearless leader, Boston Rob. It won’t be easy though; he still possesses a Hidden Immunity Idol.

Although it clearly appears that the good old days are long gone, something has to happen pretty quick. With only two shows left, not only do we have Boston Rob’s crew, but also Matt, Mike, Andrea and the Furry Farmer left on Redemption Island.

That means six people must be sent terminated and sent to be part of the jury in that short time. This should be interesting.

Based on the assumption that only one of the contestants from Redemption Island will make it back to compete for the finals, I would love to see Mike be that person.

Not only is he a capable competitor, I want to see it when the boneheaded move he made last night blows up in his naive face. Who gives up the chance to spend time with his loved one in order to possibly win favor with the Zapatera tribe? Even the Furry Farmer knew it was a dimwitted move.

If only one person from the current bunch on Redemption Island does get “back in the game”, this is how I think things will shake out. The final three will be Boston Rob, Special Agent Phil and Natalie.

Here is the reasoning for my picks:

Boston Rob, because, as I have stated ad nauseam, the rest of people remaining are numbskulls unable to think for themselves.

Special Agent Phil, because Boston Rob feels that the pink panty-wearing undercover operative has annoyed or offended everyone to the point that nobody will vote for him.

Natalie, because Boston Rob has a soft spot in his heart for her. Ambah had better watch out!

Now if things don’t go to form, all bets are off and I would have a final three of Special Agent Phil, Matt and the Furry Farmer.

Here is my reasoning for these picks:

Special Agent Phil, because has he annoyed or offended everyone to the point that nobody will vote for him. It will be interesting to see his special agent training at work.

Matt, because I need to see what he has to say to the people that backstabbed him, not once but twice, especially Valley Girl wannabe, Andrea. If I’m not mistaken, he actually said a word that had to be bleeped out last night. Could be interesting.

The Furry Farmer, because I would find it very entertaining to see how he answers the questions the jury throws at him. The over/under for dag gummits would be 6.

Today is Thursday and tomorrow will definitely be Friday, just like the good old days. I just hope that there will be some semblance of those good old days in the final two episodes of Survivor: Redemption Island.

Until next week…from the booth.

The Geeks Have Spoken!

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains will be the twentieth season of the award-winning TV series Survivor and premieres three weeks from tonight. Unlike previous seasons where a break in production occurred between seasons, this season was shot 20 days after Survivor: Samoa was completed, utilizing the existing infrastructure from that season. Casting for Heroes vs. Villains was done concurrently with Survivor: Samoa.

Filming for Heroes vs. Villains was from August 9, 2009 to September 16, 2009. This is interesting because Survivor: Samoa did not premiere until September 17, 2009. This means that the cast of Heroes vs. Villains were not familiar with the spectacular Russell “Hall-of-Famer” Hantz, although I am pretty sure they quickly became aware of his awesomeness.

While the players have been classified as Heroes or Villains, Survivor's creator Mark Burnett does not expect these players to maintain these personas in this season; they will be doing whatever is necessary to survive to the end.

Rather than the usual slogan "Outwit, Outplay, Outlast", the slogan for this season is "Return, Revenge, Redemption". Another interesting angle is that all challenges this season will be based on challenges used in previous seasons.

Last Thursday in It Won't Be Long Now!, I encouraged Fellow Survivor Geeks to weigh in with the three past “Survivors” that they will be pulling for in this historic twentieth season.

The response was terrific, receiving telephone calls, facebook messages, emails and several comments on the blog. I even garnered replies from spouses of longtime Survivor Geeks. Here is who voted for who:

FSG Jamie - Rupert, Tom and Boston Rob
FSG Jeff - Russell, Stephenie and Boston Rob
FSG Patty 4-Names - Russell, Rupert and Colby
FSG Karen R. - Russell, Rupert and Coach
FSG Auntie Janet - J.T., Colby and Boston Rob
FSG Greg - Rupert, Colby and Amanda
FSG Jenny - Boston Rob, James, Amanda and Rupert
FSG Alaska Karen - Russell, Rupert and Colby
FSG Mary Beth - Rupert, Russell and Colby
FSG Paul (me) - Russell, Rupert and James

The Individual Tally:

Rupert Boneham – 8
Russell “Hall-of-Famer” Hantz – 6
Colby Donaldson – 5
“Boston” Rob Mariano – 4
James Clement – 2
Amanda Kimmel – 2
Tom Westman – 1
Benjamin “Coach” Wade – 1
James “J.T.” Thomas Jr. – 1
Stephenie LaGrossa – 1

You may have noticed that FSG Jenny, the wife of FSG Greg, could not narrow it to only three picks and gave four. That made for 31 total votes.

There were 28 votes cast for males, with only 3 for females. Surprisingly, the breakdown for Heroes and Villains was as close as it could be with 16 tallies for the Good Guys and 15 for the Bad Guys. Another shocker was that FSG Jeff, husband of veteran Survivor Geek Jamie, did not vote for his beloved Sugar.

It should be noted that Richard Hatch, the winner of the original Survivor, was asked to return this season. However, he had to apply to leave the country since he is under house arrest. A federal judge in Rhode Island denied this request.

Anyone else out there that wants to offer his or her favorites, please feel free to do so. Next Thursday I will explain the two words that separate Survivor from the rest of the “reality” TVworld. Until next time…from the booth.

An Instant Classic

Okay Fellow Survivor Geeks, after this evening’s Tribal Council, ten of the original twenty contestants of Survivor Samoa have been eliminated. By my calculations, that is exactly 50% and time for a Survivor Geek 101 review. Let’s begin with a little history lesson. Here is a list of the first eighteen Survivor winners.

• Season 1: Richard Hatch
• Season 2: Tina Wesson
• Season 3: Ethan Zohn
• Season 4: Vecepia Towery
• Season 5: Brian Heidik
• Season 6: Jenna Morasca
• Season 7: Sandra Diaz-Twine
• Season 8: Amber Brkich
• Season 9: Chris Daugherty
• Season 10: Tom Westman
• Season 11: Danni Boatwright
• Season 12: Aras Baskauskas
• Season 13: Yul Kwon
• Season 14: Earl Cole
• Season 15: Todd Herzog
• Season 16: Parvati Shallow
• Season 17: Bob Crowley
• Season 18: J.T. Thomas Jr.

What do all of these individuals have in common?

Each has Out Witted, Out Played and Out Lasted their way to $1,000,000. For this accomplishment, they are all stars, with several having competed in Survivor: All Stars and Survivor: Fans vs. Favorites.

Although they are all champions and therefore stars, it could be argued that they aren’t all Survivor legends. For clarification, let me offer this dictionary definition of legend.

Legend |ˈlejənd|
noun
An extremely famous or notorious person, esp. in a particular field: the man was a living legend

Obviously, based on this definition, all eighteen of the previous winners are not legends, not by a long shot. Conversely, there are several past competitors that, although they never won it all, deserve to be considered a Survivor legend.

With all that in mind, if I were to start a Survivor Hall of Fame, not only would several of the champions be members, but also the likes of Rupert Boneham, Jonny Fairplay and Wisconsin’s own Sue Hawk, would have to be taken into consideration.

The one thing all members of my Survivor Hall of Fame will have in common is that they have stood the proverbial test of time. The only qualification being is that they need to have competed in a completed season of Survivor.

Except for one man.

After tonight’s episode, I would have to give Russell Hantz special dispensation. The man is an instant classic. He is a first ballot Hall of Famer, hands down! There couldn’t be a Survivor Hall of Fame without Russell Hantz.

The Hall of Famer

Tonight he found a Hidden Immunity Idol for the second time with nary a clue. He also engineered the blindside elimination of yet another member of the old Galu tribe. Legendary stuff. I am beginning to tear up as I write this.

I used to call him the evil sock burner. I have described him as an evil genius. I have called him diabolical, sinister and fiendish, among other things. No more. From this point on, Russell Hantz will be simply referred to as the Hall of Famer.

With a huge target on his back, I don’t know how much time the Hall of Famer has left in Samoa. Hopefully he can continue his remarkable run and make it to the finals. It will be tough. But rest assured, I will treasure every single moment that he is still around. Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor Reflections

Last night at 10:00 pm, Tim Cuprisin, the long-time media columnist for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, posted the following on facebook, “In the least exciting conclusion to a "reality" show I can remember, JT won "Survivor." Being an official Survivor Geek, I was offended at first. After some consternation, I realized that he was indeed correct. It wasn’t exciting. But it was something else. It was satisfying.




It was satisfying because JT, the guy I was pulling for, won and he was a respectable family-orientated guy to boot. The reason the finale was less than thrilling was because the final four contestants were all down-to-earth, decent people. There was no “villain” to root against.

The manipulative Coach Wade was voted off last week and his disturbing minion Tyson was blindsided three shows prior to that. Don’t get me wrong, without characters like Coach and Tyson, Survivor Tocantins would have been a snooze fest from start to finish. That being said, it was still nice to see a “good guy” win.

The “good guy” doesn’t always win, nor does the person I am pulling for. Here is a list of all 18 winners of Survivor. My opinion of the outcome is indicated by a YES! or a BOO! or a Whatever…

1. Survivor: Borneo - Richard Hatch is the winner of the first Survivor series, which aired in 2000. He was released from prison on May 14, 2009, having been incarcerated for tax evasion. YES!

2. Survivor: The Australian Outback - Tina Wesson became the first woman to win the $1 million prize in 2001. BOO!

3. Survivor: Africa - Ethan Zohn co-founded Grassroot Soccer that leverages soccer in order to raise money and awareness to fight HIV/AIDS. YES!

4. Survivor: Marquesas - Vecepia Towery won $1,000,000 on the Marquesas edition of Survivor, the first African American contestant to win the game. Whatever…!

5. Survivor: Thailand - Brian Heidik reportedly worked as a soft-core porn star before Survivor. BOO!

6. Survivor: The Amazon - Jenna Morasca was the youngest ever winner at the time of taping and is currently working for Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. YES!

7. Survivor: Pearl Islands - Sandra Diaz-Twine currently lives with her husband and two children while working as a bank teller in Fayetteville, North Carolina. YES!

8. Survivor: All-Stars (Pearl Islands) - Amber Brkich accepted fellow All-Stars competitor Rob Mariano's proposal of marriage on live television. BOO!

9. Survivor: Vanuatu - Chris Daugherty was considered by host Jeff Probst as one of the most unlikely Survivor winners. Whatever…

10. Survivor: Palau - Tom Westman is a husband, father of three, and former firefighter. YES!

11. Survivor: Guatemala - Danni Boatwright represented Kansas at the nationally televised Miss Teen USA and Miss USA pageants. YES!

12. Survivor: Panama - Aras Baskauskas is the second youngest male winner of Survivor at the time of it’s taping. Whatever…

13. Survivor: Cook Islands - Yul Kwon is a member of the Washington, D.C. and California State Bar Associations. Whatever…

14. Survivor: Fiji - Earl Cole is a California advertising executive. YES!

15. Survivor: China - Todd Herzog is the youngest male contestant to win the game, at age 22 at time of air. BOO!

16. Survivor: Micronesia - Parvati Shallow won this Fans vs. Favorites edition of Survivor. BOO!

17. Survivor: Gabon - Robert "Bob" Crowley is the oldest winner in the history of Survivor and also won the $100,000 from the Sprint Player of the season contest. YES!

18. Survivor: Tocantins - James "JT" Thomas Jr. is a cattle rancher who also won the $100,000 from the Sprint Player of the season contest. YES!

I know everyone isn’t going to agree with my viewpoints. For instance, Fellow Survivor Geek Aunt Janet didn’t like the outcome and I am sure other Fellow Survivor Geeks such as Jamie, Mary Beth, Karen and Greg will have their opinions. That’s the beauty of Survivor.

It might not have been the most exciting finale, but it satisfied this Survivor Geek. Until next time…from Samoa.

Survivor Gabon - Recap Five

Survivor Gabon Week 5 Recap - WARNING! Possible Show Spoilers In This Column! Quick, someone call Richard Hatch, Sue Hawk and Jonny Fairplay and send them to Gabon! The Survivors on season 17 are in dire need of a few tips and pointers on how to play this game.

Okay, maybe Hatch can’t help because he’s still in prison for tax evasion, but surely Hawk and Fairlplay could help this clueless bunch. Heck, if you have to, call Rupert Boneham. It would have been nice if some of the current Survivors had watched a season or two before they signed up for the show.

Wondering what I am talking about? Well, lets start with the Reward Challenge. Once again Kota kicked the Fang (rhymes with thong) tribe’s ass. Yes, that’s right; Kota carried their 200 pound, 20 foot long snake faster and won yet again. That set up some behavior that was very unbecoming of a true Survivor. There's no crying in Survivor!

After the loss, Fang’s Crystal starts crying because she can’t stand losing all the time. Kota’s Randy, upon seeing Olympic Gold Medalist Crystal’s tears, responds with, “Wha, wha!” Once again, Kota sends airhead Sugar to Exile Island. Guess what? She starts blubbering! Why? Because she gets to lie on a hammock eating fruit while the rest of her Fang tribe is starving!

Maybe, in addition to Hawk, Fairplay and Boneham, they should also send Jimmy Dugan to Gabon. You remember Jimmy Dugan the manager of the Rockford Peaches in A League of Their Own. When right fielder Evelyn Gardner doesn’t hit the cutoff, he chews her out, causing Evelyn to burst into tears. Dugan’s response to her weeping? “THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!”

Well there was plenty of crying in Survivor last night. Plus there was plenty of stupidity as well, most of it being attributed to our dear friend Sugar. When Ace, he of the occasional British accent, tells her that everybody knows she has the (not-so) Hidden Individual Immunity Idol, she gladly turns it over to him. Later, after Fang loses the Immunity Challenge (that makes them 2-8 in challenges), Ken tells Sugar that Ace cannot be trusted. So she cheerfully says okay and takes it back from Ace.

Before going to Tribal Council, Matty tells Ace he wants to vote Sugar out. Ace, forgetting to use his accent, talks him into voting for Kelly. Crystal wants to eliminate Ace and Ken agrees that he can’t be trusted. This is when Ken talked Sugar into getting the Hidden Individual Immunity Idol back. Confused yet?

At Tribal Council Jeff Probst chastises the members of Fang for sucking so bad and starts a fight between Kelly and Crystal. When Kelly brings up Ace, he snaps at her in his thickest British accent possible and basically tells her she is a moron. With that, the tribe votes and Probst tallies the votes, announcing, “The tribe has spoken” and Kelly is history.

Next week, because Fang is so pathetic, each tribe will be eliminating a member out of Gabon. Before that happens, I implore producer Mark Burnett to send the remaining contestants to Survivor 101. Hopefully professors Hawk, Fairplay, Boneham and Dugan will be on hand to whip this sorry lot into shape. Until next week…From Gabon