Saturday, September 8, 2012

Pigskin Predictions

First things first. You should keep in mind that this forecast is by no means fearless. Also, you should be aware that this is for entertainment purposes only. If you wager any of your hard earned money based on my prognostications, you do so at your own risk and deserve to lose. Okay, that being said, here we go:


EAST – The Patriots will run away with this division. They have the third best quarterback in the NFL in Tom Brady and evil genius Bill Belichick has even added a new target for him. The Bills will surprise and vie for a wild card spot. The Jets and Dolphins won’t surprise when they vie for the bottom spot.

NORTH – Look for the Ravens to edge out the Steelers. It will be decided when they play each other on November 18 in Pittsburgh and then again, two weeks later in Baltimore. The Steelers will make the playoffs via the wild card route. The Bengals don’t have enough defense and the Browns don’t have enough of anything.

SOUTH -  Texans, Texans and more Texans. Even with Andre Johnson’s annual injuries, there is nothing in the this division to prevent then them from winning it going away. Not the Titans, not the Colts and definitely not the Jaguars.

WEST- The Chiefs will win the division with the Broncos and Raiders battling it out for a wild card spot. I look for all three teams finishing right around 9-7. It will be interesting to see if Eli’s big brother can stay healthy in Denver. The only time the Chargers will be appealing is when they sport their baby blue jerseys.


EAST – I don’t know why, but I just can’t count out the New York football Giants. Payton’s kid brother isn’t very flashy, but he sure knows how to win. The Cowboys and Eagles are somewhat enigmatic to me. While they both possess plenty of offensive weapons, neither team does it for me. That being said, one of these teams will qualify as a wild card team. The Redskins just aren’t good and have now screwed up their classic uniforms this season. Snyder is a tool.

NORTH – This division is no longer the “Black ‘n’ Blue” division, it’s all about the offense. It will be the unenviable task of the Lions and Bears to keep up with the Packers’ vaunted aerial attack. Good luck with that. If the Lions defense can avoid be suspended at a record breaking pace, they will earn a wild card. The Bears defense is getting old real fast. (See Brian Urlacher) The Vikings aren’t even in the discussion.

SOUTH – The Saints and Falcons both boast explosive offensives. The difference is New Orleans is lead by Drew Brees and “Matty Ice” is the guy calling the shots for Atlanta. Enough said. With the suspension situation currently reversed, the Saints will take the divisional crown and the Falcons will procure a wild card spot. Cam Newton and the Panthers will make it interesting for a while, but fade in the end. The Buccaneers’ uniforms make me vomit in my mouth.

WEST -  The 49ers features the top defensive squad in the NFL. It is good enough to make up for the inadequacies of Alex Smith and all the time Frank Gore will miss due to his inevitable injuries. Early in the season, with Russell Wilson at the helm, the Seahawks will give the 49ers a fight for the top spot with the Niners emerging on top. The Rams will slide into the third spot with a listless Cardinals team finishing a distant fourth.


I won’t bore you with the Wild Card and Divisional games, let’s go straight to the Conference Championship games.


The Texans knock off Tom Brady and the rest of the Patriots, 37-28 in Houston’s Reliant Stadium. Matt Schaub hooks up with Kevin Walter late in the game to put the game out of reach. Schaub’s performance earns him MVP honors and puts the Texans in the Super Bowl.


On an unusually warm January day, the Packers destroy the 49ers, 42-17 on the not-so frozen tundra of Lambeau Field. Jordy Nelson, with three touchdown receptions is the MVP. Clay Matthews and B. J. Raji lead a stubborn defense and Green Bay is headed to New Orleans in February.


What was supposed to be an offensive shootout, turns out to be a defensive struggle with the Packers scoring a hard-fought 17-14 victory over the Texans on the synthetic turf of the Superdome. The Vince Lombardi trophy returns to Titletown. Charles Woodson becomes only the eighth defensive player to garner an MVP award. The defensive back picked off two Schaub passes, returning one for the game-winning TD.

There ya go, my not-so fearless pigskin predictions for the 2012 NFL season. Before you race off to call your bookie and put a few shekels on the Pack going all the way, make sure you cast a vote on my new poll question.

Until next time…from the booth.

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