Here’s your Official Survivor: South Pacific Recap Trilogy for week six:
Something came over me when watching tonight's episode. I started seeing everyone on the show as a character in a sitcom. There were so many good lines tonight; I hardly know where to start. I mean, what exactly is the “greyside of Christianity” that Coach was talking about? How does one become a “radical for God” as Brandon referred to himself at Tribal Council?
Did everyone else see the slapstick humor in Brandon running all over the island climbing up each tree with those short stubby legs of his while searching for an idol that's already been found?
And wasn't it nice of Christine to add that touch of heart felt drama when she had her moment just before kicking some ass in Puck Shuffle Board? And that was just after she flipped the Bird to Cowboy! I loved when Cowboy made the realization that “if she comes back to the tribe she's going to kill us all!”
By the time we got to Tribal Council, and Brandon raised his hand to add some more dimwitted wisdom to the mix, I had the theme song for this sitcom going through my head. Come on now, sing it with me!! All together now!!
(sing this to the tune of the theme song to The Brady Bunch!)
Here's the story,
of a guy named Ozzy,
who was missing his cuddle buddy boo!
He whined and yelled and said he had the idol,
He's a free agent too!
Here's the story of a crazy Coach,
who thinks he's in charge of his whole tribe.
Wants to keep Edna, and not Mikayla,
to try stay alive.
But there's trouble with that Cochran 'cause he's thinking!
Ozzy had to eat a little crow,
and Brandon can't shut up at Tribal Council
He really has to GO!
Redemption Isle… Redemption Isle
Christine’s breaking down on Redemption Isle!
Actually, I am wishing for one thing in this season and one season only. I want Brandon to stay on the island until they get to the episode where loved ones come to the island. And then, I hope beyond hope, that Brandon's loved one will be his Uncle Russell Hantz. I can see it now. Probst calls him out from behind a bush or tree and Russell steps up to his nephew who goes in for a hug and Uncle Russell smacks the pouty, confused look right off his face! Please let that happen! Please!
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Well I waited all week for this episode. Last week’s preview showed Ozzy having a hissy fit about being blindsided with the Elyse vote by his tribe mates and I couldn’t wait to see it.
Having a hissy fit on Survivor is a bad idea. It’s a bad idea in the early days of the game. It’s a bad idea in the middle of the game. It’s a bad idea any time in the game. And yet there was veteran player Ozzy declaring himself a “free agent” in the middle of nowhere.
Followed by the equally foolish move of letting the cat out of the bag that he had found the immunity idol. As expected, none of this played well with Savaii. They seemed surprised and rightfully disgusted. When Keith threw out the comment “If you want to go to Redemption Island just let us know”, I thought that might end the ego trip to nowhere, but it did not.
Over at Upolu, Brandon attempted to continue the Hantz legacy by looking for the immunity idol that, unfortunately for him, Coach already has it. Coach began to wrestle with his conscience, which is always a bad sign and Albert had to reign him in.
On Redemption Island Christine took on Elyse to stay in the game. Christine has been living alone on the island for most of the game and if you thought she was cranky before, she is SUPER cranky now.
Former teammate Rick tried to cheer her on, and she not so subtly flipped him off. He was taken aback. I’m still trying to figure Rick out. All I know right now is that he does NOT look good with his shirt off. Best line of the episode? When Sophie remarked that Christine was “just so negative”. Ya think? I laughed out loud.
Meanwhile back at Upolu Edna continued to wear that weird hat/newspaper thing on her head. What is that? She began to pay fake attention to Coach, and of course Coach likes nothing more than any kind of attention even if it’s fake. It was a recipe for disaster in the making…
As for Ozzy, after a period of moping he began to regret his free agent status. Jim wisely pointed out that free agency on Survivor is not a good strategy and is basically a train to nowhere. I gained new respect for smarmy Jim when he revealed that keeping Ozzy around was a win win for him because not only does he help to win immunity challenges, but when the merge happens Ozzy will have a bigger target on his back. This guy didn’t become a licensed pot dealer for nothin’.
When the immunity challenge rolled around I was relieved to see that this week it didn’t involve any exchange of bodily fluids. This was a good challenge. It involved collecting coconuts and then shooting them with a big sling shot at targets. I mean who doesn’t love exploding coconuts?
Unfortunately for Upolu, Mikayla insisted on using a one handed sling shot maneuver that was not effective, in spite of Coach’s suggestion that she “sit it out”, and their team lost.
Coach was distraught that Mikayla was not “Coachable”, and thus set his sights on her for elimination. At this point Albert began to step forward as a strong player for me. He realized that this was evolving in a bad direction and tried to put a stop to it in a rational, well thought out way.
He tried to talk strategy with Brandon, but became frustrated and pointed out that more than five minutes of strategy talk causes Brandon to grab his head and cry.
It’s true. He does.
However, he is easily persuaded and without much prodding turned away from his vendetta on the “whore of Upolu” Mikayla and set his sights on Edna.
At tribal council it came down to a choice between physically and mentally strong Mikayla or useless and, well, useless Edna. Coach continued to veer off path with his honor loyalty and integrity speech, causing Brandon to get confused. He too then rambled a bit and used big words that he doesn’t understand like lasciviousness.
In the end Mikayla was voted off, Coach told Brandon that he loved him and I just said… huh? Edna is one of those players who doesn’t bring much to the table but knows who to play to stay alive. Albert said it well: Loyalty can be faked. Coach EAT SOME PROTEIN DUDE YOUR LOSING IT! AGAIN!!!!
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MORONS! IDIOTS! FOOLS! Okay, now that I have gotten that out of the way, I will get to my recap. Ozzy starts out the episode by declaring himself a free agent and revealing to the rest of the Savaii tribe that he has a Hidden Immunity Idol in his possession. Huh? Two extremely boneheaded moves made within seconds of each other by a Survivor “veteran”.
Just whom are you offering your free agent services to? You just alienated yourself from the rest of the tribe. Then you took it up a notch by telling them you also have the Idol. C’mon, Ozzy!
Perhaps Cochran put it best when he said this about Ozzy’s little tirade, “He’s just behaving like a stupid bitch.”
In the Redemption Island Duel, Christine takes a moment to flip off her former Upolu tribe mates before sending Elyse home for good. This is Christine’s fourth Duel victory, but the tough broad from New York is fading fast. Too bad, I like her moxie.
Tonight’s Immunity Challenge comes with the added reward of an afternoon at a natural waterslide complete with a picnic lunch. The challenge itself is a dandy.
First, each tribe has to assemble a wheelbarrow and negotiate it through a twisting maze. Along the way they must release two separate loads of coconuts into their wheelbarrow.
Once across the cross the finish line, they must take the wheelbarrow apart and build the parts into a giant slingshot. When that is accomplished, they must launch the coconuts with the slingshot at giant targets. The first tribe to knock down six targets wins immunity and the reward.
I told you it was a dandy.
Despite digging a huge hole for themselves at the start, Savaii stages one of the most remarkable comebacks since Lazarus. A crestfallen Upolu tribe looks on as the jubilant gang from Savaii scampers off to enjoy their reward.
At the reward, Savaii not only gets to frolic on the natural waterslides and eat big-assed sandwiches, they also reunite as a tribe when Ozzy finally admits he acted like a stupid bitch. See, just like Cochran said.
While all that merriment is going on, Upolu is moping around their camp trying to decide who they should vote off to Redemption Island. Coach wants to send Mikayla, while Albert prefers to see Edna go.
Because basket case Brandon is with Coach and Sophie is siding with Albert it comes down to Rick the porn ‘stache cowboy as the swing vote. Here’s the criteria he must base this crucial vote on:
Mikayla is a beautiful Lingerie League Football player from Florida. She has a sparkling personality, is strong, works hard around camp and is a force in challenges. Did I mention that she was beautiful?
Then we have Edna the anesthesiologist from California. She keeps to herself, is quite diminutive and because she is so weak and frail, is almost always left out of challenges. Oh ya, I almost forgot, she has become Coach’s personal lap dog.
With that in mind, guess who got voted off to Redemption Island? That’s right, Mikayla. Like I said before, MORONS! IDIOTS! FOOLS! They should be slapped. Oh well, she will finish off Christine at next week’s duel.
Until next time…from the booth.