Survivor?

Yesterday I mentioned that I might write about the reality TV show Survivor today. Well, I intended to. But then something happened at 7:00 last night. When the show started, I broke out my pencil and notepad and actually started taking notes. Just like I did for the last dozen seasons. Then I realized that this was a pain in the ass and I was missing things – like the lovely Morgan frolicking about. That is her at the top of the blog. Quite fetching, don’t you think? I think I have a crush on the young lady…

It was at this point that I said the heck with it, I’m just going to watch the show and that’s what I did. And I really enjoyed it. What’s not to enjoy? Several attractive women in bikinis, a couple bearded hillbilly bohunks, three brainiacs and a sleazy muscle-bound cop all competing on a tropical beach for $1 million! That’s a tremendous combination.

I brought up earlier that this season, Survivor: Cagayan, was a marked improvement over the last few seasons. Especially that train wreck, Survivor: Blood vs. Water. Maybe it’s because there are no retreads from seasons past muddling things up, or that there is no Redemption Island. I detest Redemption Island. I want to know who has been eliminated that week at the END of the show, not in the first 10 minutes.

Another benefit of not having Redemption Island, it pretty much guarantees two challenges – one for reward and one for immunity. I love the challenges, especially the physical ones. And if they involve mud or water… be still my heart. Did I mention that I enjoy watching the lovely Morgan frolicking about? Include mud and water to the equation, well; I don’t think I need to say more.

Although the season started out with the “Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty” theme, it was no big deal for me. This only lasted four episodes due to the fact that the Brains tribe wasn’t all that smart. Because their tribe dwindled to only three, a merge was in order.

I truly think the main reason for me liking this season more is that I am not doing the structured trilogy recap immediately following the show. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time doing the trilogy with Marie Beth and Jamie, but after awhile it became more of job than fun.

Rather than just watch the show, I found myself always looking for an angle, for something to write about. When nothing stood out during an episode I would become frustrated and this would reflect in my writing. Typically I would just bitch and moan about how boring the show was and that I couldn’t stand any of the castaways. I knew it just me when the usually affable Mary Beth expressed the same sentiments.

So, no more posting a recap one hour after the show ends. From now on I will simply watch the show while exchanging caustic comments with my good friend and Fellow Survivor Geek, Patty 4-Names on Facebook. If something on a show really stands out for me, I might mention it the next time I do a blog. Something like the lovely Morgan frolicking about.

Until next time…from the booth.

Vince Lombardi

Vincent Thomas Lombardi was a football player, coach and executive that was best known as the head coach of the Green Bay Packers during the 1960s. He led the team to three straight and five total National Football League championships in seven years, including the first two Super Bowls. Lombardi is considered by many to be one of, if not the best coaches in NFL history. Today the NFL’s Super Bowl trophy is named in his honor. He was inducted in the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1971.

It would be safe to say that I have an infatuation with Lombardi and those Packer teams. However, it’s not based solely on their excellence and high level of success. That helps, but there are other reasons.

Lombardi and those Packer teams transcended the football field. I can and have listened to the seemingly endless stories about this legendary man and his accomplishments. He was decades ahead of the rest in many areas and not just with football.

On Christmas Eve, the NFL Network ran part one of “A Football Life – Vince Lombardi.” They ran part two on New Year’s Eve. It was tremendous. I recorded it and have watched it several times since. I also suggest you read “When Pride Still Mattered by David Maraniss. This book on Lombardi is the best I have read and pulls no punches.

Here are a few examples of way I am fascinated by Lombardi:

The plaque at the top of this blog is dedicated to him and was installed in 1974 in the sidewalk near Sheepshead Bay Road and East 14th Street in Brooklyn, New York. The nearby football field at Old Bridge School, New Jersey, is named Lombardi Field.

* * *

Lombardi was a man of faith, a devout Catholic. In fact, while he coached the Packers, he not only attended church every day, but also served as the altar boy. Rumor has it that the priest saying Mass would often nervously glance over his shoulder, hoping that he wasn’t making any mistakes in front of Lombardi.

* * *

Lombardi demanded excellence from his players, his coaches and himself. He always wanted to the team to perform at the best of its ability. On one particular Sunday, their opposition soundly defeated the Packers. The did everything wrong. The game was a train wreck. The very next practice, Lombardi stood up and said, “Gentlemen, I’ve seen about enough. We’re going to start over, right at the very beginning! The object I am holding in my hand is a football.”

Max McGee, the team jokester, yelled out, “Coach, please don’t go so fast.”

* * *

What Max McGee had to say about Lombardi: “But Vince was about as smart as anybody who ever put on a coaching hat. One time before a big game, he told us that if anybody was caught sneaking out before the game it would cost him $5,000. And he looked at me and said, ‘McGee, let me tell you something — if you find somebody worth $5,000, let me know — I want to go with you.’ That broke the tension. He could get you so wired before a game you almost couldn’t play…”

* * *

Although Lombardi was born in Brooklyn, New York, he loved Green Bay, Wisconsin. This was made quite evident by this story:

It was 1975, the year that Lombardi and several of his players were being inducted into the Packers Hall of Fame. The group included Don Chandler, Willie Davis, Paul Hornung, Henry Jordan, Jerry Kramer, Ron Kramer, Max McGee, Jim Taylor and Fuzzy Thurston. There was a banquet for the event, which was, of course, sold out.

Lombardi’s widow, Marie, was there to accept the award on the behalf of her husband. It was an emotional time, as it was a short time after he had passed away. She told the audience about a conversation she had with Vince a couple of days before he died.

She said, “I was sitting on the edge of the bed and Vini (as she always called him) was so sick and semi-conscious. He awoke and said, “Marie, honey, I want to go home.”

I said, “You are home.”

And Vini said, “No, I mean I want to go home to Green Bay.”

It was a tear-jerking moment for everyone present.

* * *

Lombardi hated racism. When he first came to Green Bay, the color barrier in pro football was still recently broken, and there was still teams that were nearly all white and one that was all white. Lombardi once said he didn’t see black and white. He only say Green Bay Green. He once pulled his team out of a hotel at midnight when the owner asked Lombardi to get the blacks on his team other accommodations. He let his team and the city of Green bay know that if blacks and whites alike were not accepted at their establishments, all Packers players and personnel were banned from the place.

In his first year in Green Bay, some veterans brought to his attention that a black player was to marry a white woman. The next day before practice, Lombardi (he a victim of racial prejudice as a dark skinned Italian) told his players that if any of them displayed any racism at all, they would be kicked off the team. In and of itself, his intolerance of racism at a very volatile time in the civil rights movement would solidify Lombardi as a great man. But, he was further ahead than you know.

* * *

Lombardi hated all forms of bigotry. When he took over as Washington Redskins coach in 1969. In training camp, he had a marginal player, Ray McDonald. Lombardi knew McDonald was gay, as did the coaches. Lombardi told his coaches to get on McDonald, and work him, and work him hard. Seems normal enough. But, the Lombardi told them “and if I hear one of you people make reference to his manhood, you'll be out of here before your ass hits the ground”. Lombardi also had other players he knew were homosexual, such as Jerry Smith, who Lombardi turned into an all-pro tight end. He told Smith that his sexuality would never be an issue as long as Vince coached the team.

* * *

October 1961, a number of NFL players were called to active duty in the National Guard because the Soviet Union had demanded Western forces leave West Berlin in what became known as the Berlin Crisis. This was the Cold War, and American forces needed to be on the ready. That included professional football players.

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel wrote that more than a dozen NFL players were called to serve their country, and that involved three of the Packers top contributors – eventual Hall of Fame running back Paul Hornung, eventual Hall of Fame linebacker Ray Nitschke and two-time Pro Bowl receiver Boyd Dowler.

Though the latter two were granted weekend leaves and didn't miss a game, the calls to duty didn't make life easy for Green Bay, which was rumbling along to an 11-3 record but which needed extra help before attempting to win its first NFL title in 17 years. Hornung had told Lombardi he was keeping in shape while he was deployed, though he later admitted that had been a bit of a fib, and Lombardi constantly mailed him game plans.

Vince Lombardi then made a special phone call to one of his good friends.

As the story goes, Lombardi met John F. Kennedy when he was campaigning in Wisconsin for the 1960 presidential election. Lombardi endorsed Kennedy, and Kennedy gave Lombardi his personal phone number. That's who Lombardi dialed up when the Packers were set to play the Giants for the 1961 NFL title to see if the president could pull some strings to make sure Hornung would be on leave and available for Green Bay.

Kennedy, the commander-in-chief, made it happen.

"Paul Hornung wasn't going to win the war on Sunday, but football fans of this country deserve the two best teams on the field that day."

That reportedly is what Kennedy told Lombardi, and Hornung made the favor pay off for his team, rushing 20 times for 89 yards and a touchdown while kicking three field goals in Green Bay's 37-0 domination of the Giants.

* * *

I will stop here. Hopefully my tales of Lombardi haven’t put you to sleep. Tomorrow I plan on switching to something a bit more cerebral – Survivor. Until next time…from the booth.

For Your Information…

It’s been a while since I have been in the mood to write a real blog. Sure, there were the Survivor recaps and the “best of” Koos holiday offerings, but real blogs were few and far between. I’m not making excuses, but the whole book thing had me very occupied, that being said, here is a fresh blog. For what it’s worth… Every once in a while I am reminded that facts I take for granted are oblivious to many others. Perhaps its because I take these factoids for granted, but most likely it’s because it’s useless minutiae. I’ll let you me the judge.


For your information…

There is no word that rhymes with the word orange.

The phrase is “I could not care less.” It’s not, “I could care less.” If I have to explain it, it doesn’t really matter.

Being ignorant and being stupid are two totally different things, although, I know people that are both.

The Major League Baseball Hall of Fame has the final say on which team a player enters the Hall “as.” The players have no say in the matter. Sorry Cub fans, Greg Maddux will be inducted as an Atlanta Brave.

And to further enlighten the Hall of Fame ignorant, the bust of a player going into the NFL Hall of Fame has no team distinction. Sorry.

The remaking of classic sport-themed movies sucks. If you don’t know what I am talking about, check out the remakes of Bad News Bears and The Longest Yard. What’s next – a remake of Rudy with Will Ferrell in the lead role?

“Reality” shows are all scripted. You name it - Survivor, Big Brother, Hell’s Kitchen, The Bachelor, Pawn Stars, Real Housewives of fill-in-the city, etc. are all scripted. Except for Flavor of Love. You can’t make that stuff up…

The newer uniforms in the NFL stink. They are horrible. Prime examples – Jacksonville, Tennessee, Tampa Bay, Arizona, Miami, Minnesota, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Denver, Cincinnati, New England, Seattle and Detroit. I’m no Tim Gunn, but putting 10 pounds of crap into a 5 pound sack is never a good thing.

Whenever you order a “free” pizza using coupons that you have accumulated, don’t get your hopes too high. You can be pretty sure that the pizzeria is going to skimp on the toppings.

My all-time favorite Match Game celebrity, Elaine Joyce, is married to famed American playwright and screenwriter Neil Simon. Man, I wish I had started writing a long time ago…

Speaking of games shows, contestants on today’s shows aren’t as bright as they were years ago. Maybe not on Jeopardy, but on most of the new shows on the Game Show Network, the participants come across as empty-headed and even somewhat vacuous.

And, finally, I possess the uncanny ability to recall the uniform numbers of most athletes that I have seen play. Here are three examples:

Let’s start with an easy one. The 1970-71 Milwaukee Bucks were the NBA champions. These are the numbers of the eight players that saw a majority of the playing time – 1, 4, 7, 10, 14, 19, 20 and 33. It’s up to you to identify the players.

You want more? Here are the numbers of the starting eight position players for the infamous 1969 Chicago Cubs. Beginning behind the plate – 9, 14, 18, 10, 11, 26, 29 and 28. The starting rotation – 31, 49, 30 and 39. The setup man and closer – 37 and 27. Again, it’s your job to fill in the names.

Still not impressed? These are the numbers of the players that made up Vince Lombardi’s legendary World Champion teams by position. First the offense: QB – 12, 13 and 15; RB – 5, 22, 23, 25, 30, 31, 33 and 44; WR and TE – 80, 81, 84. 85, 86 and 88; OL – 50, 57, 63, 64, 75, 76, and 78. Now the defense: DL – 74, 77, 79, 82 and 87; LB – 56, 60, 66, 71 and 89; DB – 21, 24, 26, 40, 43 and 47; K/P – 34. Go ahead, start matching the players and their uniform numbers.

Okay, now that I have totally bored you, I better wrap things up. But before I do, I must present one last piece of information. It is perfectly acceptable to apply ketchup on a hot dog. Trust me, it’s quite delicious.

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor Finale and Reunion

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: So, let's commence and put this stinker out of it's/our misery. Have you heard? I am not a fan of this season of Survivor. Just as I was getting ready to watch TV tonight a commercial came on for tonight's episode. As it showed scenes from shows past the words “Jaw Dropping Season” were emblazoned on my screen.

Jaw dropping? Really?

For me the words “eye lid drooping” and “snore inducing” come to mind. So much so that even while I'm watching I find my mind wanders and I end up missing large chunks of dialogue. Anyway, here's the recap…try to stay awake!

Monica rejoices as she realizes she is now the swing vote and that puts her in a position of power for the first time since she laid foot on the island. Not that she'll actually do anything with that power but more about that later.

Hayden is sent off to Redemption Island. At the Redemption Challenge, it is, as Hayden says, him “against two grandmas”. I find that kind of ageism rude and it was certain to bite him right in the ass, which it did.

The challenge was one of balancing on one leg while keeping an urn on a pedestal. The grannies kicked Hayden's butt and he was the first one gone. Laura M. begged Tina to give it to her but Tina refused and held on to the end. She got to go back to the game while Laura followed Hayden to the jury. Laura M. and Ciera have a very dramatic heart felt good-bye and Tina opts to keep the Immunity Idol clue for herself.

Back at camp, Tina and Ciera begin to work on Monica right away and try to convince her to go with them leaving Monica very confused. At the Immunity Challenge, it's another balancing act. This time they have to hold onto to a rope keeping a table balanced as they stack blocks. Tyson wins the Idol, though he doesn't really need it.

Later, Monica takes a load of crap from Gervase who always reverts to bullying which seems to be his way to play the game. Monica cries. This is the first of three or four times tonight when she cried. Sheesh!

At Tribal Council, it's Ciera and Tina vs. Tyson, Gervase and Monica. Try as they might, the votes are cast. Tyson gives Gervase his hidden immunity idol and Ciera ends up getting voted off. And so the final four are – Tina, Monica, Tyson and Gervase.

The final Immunity Challenge is a huge thing with an obstacle balance thing to cross to get bags of letters. They have to run up a huge flight of stairs and then hurl themselves down a water slide to start all over.

In the end, Tyson wins. Man, I hate him! He's definitely in the final three. At Tribal, there's just nothing anyone can say and Tina is just sent limping off. So there they are – the Final Three – Tyson, Gervase and Monica. Each one more weaselly than the next and not one of them actually deserving of winning the million dollars. Sheesh!

Vag’s Evaluation: The jury for the Final Tribal Council consisted of: Aras, Vytas, Caleb, Katie, Hayden, Laura, Ciera and Tina. For me, this was the last hope to redeem this pitiful season. Hopefully, there would be some Sue Hawk-like vitriol shown toward the three finalists, Tyson, Monica and Gervase. I wanted to see this loathsome trio squirm a bit.

Alas, I was once again disappointed.

The opening statements from the three set the tone for this snoozefest. First, Gervase blathered about going from old school to new school. Then Monica whined about not being a lap dog. At least she didn’t cry. BUT TYSON DID! It was something about doing it for his girlfriend. Blah, blah, blah…

Now it was time for the jurors to interrogate these three dolts.

Vytas – After complimenting Tyson, he then told him he could never vote for him and would have to decide between Monica and Gervase. Huh?

Katie – Congratulated the group and then basically told Tyson that he was a prick. At least one castaway was observant.

Caleb – Asked Gervase what his big move was, to which Gervase replied, “Voting out your brother, Aras.” Nice. Then Monica started blubbering. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it is from hanging around Tyson too much.

Ciera – Asked Tyson if he was a hero or a villain. He surmised that since he didn’t consider himself a villain, he must be a hero. Okay. She asked Gervase if he ever considered voting out Tyson. His answer? Not really. At least nobody cried during this “tough” line of questioning.

Laura – All right, back to the crying. All it took was Monica being asked why she didn't revealed more about herself to the other castaways. This set off more weeping. Kleenex® could have made a bundle sponsoring the Final Tribal Council.

Tina – The diminutive one asked the three finalists to describe their inner core in one word. Monica said “generous”, Gervase came up with “honorable” and Tyson replied “fun-loving.” What this proved is beyond me. Maybe that Tyson cheated by using a compound word

Hayden – After asking Tyson where he hid his Hidden Immunity Idol, he told Monica that she was a fake. You’ll never guess what happened next. That’s right!!! She started sobbing. Again. And again. And again…

Aras – His question was whom would you vote for if you couldn’t vote for yourself? Gervase said Tyson because he had so many elements to his game. Monica agreed that it was Tyson, because he was such a force in the game. Tyson then chose Monica and blew some smoke up her ass. I guess he didn’t want to see any more tears.

All that was left was the Final Vote…

Dr. J’s Prognosis: It is my privilege to recap what my FSGP (Fellow Survivor Geek Paul) claims is his last season of blogging about Survivor. I was recently knighted a “Snarkess” by one Patty 4-Names and I shall wear that cloak with honor. But first I want to say without any snarkishness that I was saddened about the announcement that several weeks ago contestant Tina lost her son in a car accident. My thoughts are with her and her daughter.

So here is what I have to say about this season. It was not my favorite. I have nodded my head in agreement with Paul and Mary Beth each week as they have tried to put as much positive spin on the show as possible. The problem was not only design but also casting. I don’t know about ya’ll but I don’t want to see loved ones pitted against each other. Life is tough enough, who wants to watch that?

I also think that the casting sucked. Enough with the rehashing of fan favorites blah, blah, blah! Give us some new people! Make it hard again. Starve these people! Make them work for it!!!!! That is why we watch this damn show!

In seasons past I have been bestowed with the duty of describing the moment when Jeff Probst makes his panther like entrance into the reunion show. I have made no secret of the fact that I lust after him in a perfectly normal suburban married housewife type of way. I just wish he would go back to the days when he would pretend like he was parachuting in directly from tribal council I LOVED that!!! Sigh…

With pretend anticipation he read the names. Of course no one voted for Gervase because he was annoying. Monica did get a vote even though she was annoying and then the MOST annoying guy Tyson, sporting one of those fake tuxedo shirts with pit stains, won it all.

I wasn’t surprised and to be honest he actually played a good game. I just don’t care for him. But yeah for you funky Tyson! You finally won. Now go away and never return.

Part of my problem with this season is that I tried to stick with it and it made me feel bipolar.

I started to like hairy Colton boyfriend and then he got voted off and then I started to like blond daughter of Tina and she got voted off and then I started to like hunky boyfriend of Kat and he got voted off and then I admired that Laura was kicking some ass on Redemption Island so I started to like her and she got voted off and then I started to respect Ciera because she was kind of defiant and playing her game against the odds and then she got voted off.

So in the end I was left with nothing. I’m sorry Monica Culpepper, you just seem bitchy to me and your husband seems like a dufus (his entire career in the NFL he only had like 34 sacks I think in 9 years he should have done better… PS do you guys know that guy is a LAWYER??)  Save your crocodile tears for someone who cares, Monica Culpepper!

A message to Colton, who tried to mock the AARP during the Reunion Show; “Hey dude I BELONG to that group now and not only did I get a free tote for joining but I also get discounts on lawyer fees, so stay out of Wisconsin”.

And since I’m feeling so cranky; “Hey Rupert, take off the tie die and put on some man panties!  You could have stayed on and won!!” Ughhhhhhh!!!! 

Thankfully a happy moment appeared in the form of my man Cochran. It seems that my fan fave has ditched Harvard law school and gone into sitcom writing, a much more secure career path I think! Go Cochran!!!!!!

Of course at the end of the show we had to be teased with the next seasons amazing twists and they just kept showing all of these “B”’s floating across the screen.

I HATE that!

What does that mean? Boobs? Bugs? Boys? Eventually it was revealed that it means Brains, Brawn and some other word that starts with B (Not boobs, Paul, I’m sorry). All I can say is I hope the damn show is better. And I also hope that if he takes a season off to rest and revive that my good friend Paul Vagnoni reconsiders about his Survivor blogging. I for one will miss it!

One last Vag’s Evaluation: Thanks for the kind words, Jamie. And more thanks for jumping on board for the final recap, thus making it a true trilogy. I would also like to express my gratitude to Mary Beth for enduring this entire gut-wrenching season with me. I know it wasn’t easy. As she would say… Sheesh!

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.13

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: After Ciera's somewhat bold move last week, I have to admit, I was kind of looking forward to seeing the aftermath on tonight's episode. Granted her bold move really didn't work since it sent Katie to Redemption Island, but it was a bold move and, at least, finally, someone was making a move. Ciera has turned out to be something of a surprise really.

Who'd a thunk she'd be good a strategy? Not me, that's for sure. I still don't like her or anyone left on this season for that matter but, hey, she's thinking ahead and that makes for good TV sometimes.

Monica, of course, can't stop herself from over talking everything. This fact is not lost on Tyson who get really irritated when she does this. Over at Redemption, Tina aka Skeletor is now pitted against the Machine, aka Laura M., and her daughter Katie. She briefly talks of throwing the challenge to give Katie a chance but during the challenge she stomps all over her.

The challenge is the one where they tie together sticks to make a longer stick to get sets of keys through a fence. Then they open three locks to win. Laura M. makes easy peasy of this challenge, whizzing past both Tina and Katie quickly. Katie can't tie a knot to save her soul so Tina flies past her, sobbing all the way. Apparently it hurts her to beat her daughter but she would have had to lie down and fallen asleep to give Katie a chance. Katie was just that bad!!

The rest of the episode might as well be called “Everyone Wants Monica!” Tyson and Gervase shuffle to confirm Monica's loyalty to their alliance. Ciera and Hayden hatch a plan to get her to come to the “good side.” In the meantime, Ciera wins a much-needed Immunity Challenge and they get to share…what else…FOOD! Later, Ciera tells Monica just how yucky Tyson and Gervase have really been when talking about her. Monica cries. Really.

At Tribal, Ciera and Hayden do their level best to get Monica to see the error of her ways with Tyson and Gervase. They reiterate that Ty-Ty and the Gerv have been talking smack about her from Day 1. Thing is, neither of them deny it! Monica seems almost convinced but she votes off Hayden anyway.

Now this is either really smart or really stupid. If she is in the final two against Tyson, the jury could see her as a hanger-on and realize Tyson was the mastermind and give him their votes. OR…the jury could just hate Tyson enough to give Monica the votes just because the hate him. Honestly though, she's not making the final 2 if she keeps playing this dumb ass way! Frankly, I hope Laura M. returns and she and Ciera take the whole thing. Now that would be a great ending to a pathetic season!

Vag’s Evaluation: Okay. Here’s the deal. A couple of weeks ago I had more or less decided that this would be my last season of doing the Survivor recaps. That was based primarily on how crappy this season was. Writing the recap had become a chore and I no longer looked forward to it. It wasn’t fun anymore and the season sucking was a major reason.

But then I began to think. Do I really want to stop after eleven seasons? I could see ten or twelve, but eleven? Who stops at eleven? Not even bowlers! I seriously considered giving it one more shot next season. That would be an even dozen. What the heck did I have to lose? Hmm… What to do?

Well, tonight’s magnificently crapalicious episode answered that question for me!

THIS IS IT!

Sunday’s Finale and Reunion Show will be my swan song. Sayonara. Cie la vie.

So, as I listen to Christmas music blasting through my Koss® headphones I write my penultimate Survivor recap. Wow, this is sorta melancholy. Typically I fill an entire page with notes while watching an episode of Survivor. Tonight I scribbled out 10 lines worth. Barely.

What the heck was I supposed to write about?

The first 22 minutes of the show were dedicated to that bullshit Redemption Island. The “duel” between Tina, Laura and Katie was an old retread that I have seen at least a dozen times. Then Probst tries to make the idiotic Blood vs. water twist work by making the dopey castaways cry. And Tina did! Oh the humanity!

One last thing on the subject of Redemption Island. Someone has to inform the producers of the correct definition of “duel.” A duel is a contest or race between TWO parties. Not three. Dopes.

After nine more minutes we were treated to Ciera and Hayden woofing down pizza, hamburgers and fries following Ciera’s victory in the Immunity Challenge. Zzzzz…

The remaining portion of the hour was devoted to making us believe there was a snowball’s chance in hell that Monica would flip and vote out Tyson. BUT WE ALL KNEW THAT WASN’T GOING TO HAPPEN!

Sheesh.

To be totally honest with you, I did draw one bit of enjoyment from tonight’s show. It was when the jury was introduced at Tribal Council. When the freshly scrubbed Katie strolled in, Hayden’s eyes bugged out of his head and his tongue fell out of his mouth while uttering, “She’s hot!”

That’s it for me. One last time after Sunday’s shows. Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.12

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: Hey! Let's all beat up Tyson! Let's all beat up Tyson! Let's all beat up Tyyyysooon!!! And so says all of us!! Yes, it did my heart good to see ol' Hayden start the show off by pointing out how Tyson is leading the rest of them all around like so many sheep. The look on Tyson's face was priceless but the best part was that Gervase couldn't stand to have anyone think he was only the “second” in command so he stood up and threw himself under the bus! If only it didn't take 32 days to get these people fired up!

The beat down continued at Redemption Island with the recently blindsided alluding to a man's word not meaning much in Utah or Philly – where Tyson and Gervase are from. Gervase got the last word, albeit a whiny baby-headed one, when he stood up and whined that Caleb was just being “a bad sore loser!!!”

Hayden pretty much spent the entire episode trying to get Ciera to make some kind of move but she was stoic and seemed to be ignoring him or counter attacking him at every turn. Of course, she got the clue for the Hidden Immunity Idol and for some reason decided to share it with her alliance.

They are all off searching when Hayden realizes what they're doing so he and Katie join them. The jungle becomes quite crowded as they're all hunting high and low. Of course, later on, Tyson manages to “slip away” and makes an overly emotional speech about how finding the idol means the world to him. With tears. Yes, I'm serious. And, of course, he turns right around, scampers up the nearest tree and voila! Finds the damn idol. If that was staged I don't know what is. If Mark Burnett wants us to believe all of this is really happening he needs to hire better writers. Sheesh!

The Immunity Challenge comes and goes with Gervase winning the immunity and a cart full of ice cream, which he shares with Tyson and Monica. Hayden takes that time to plant more seeds of dissension in Ciera who still doesn't seem to take the bait.

But hold the phone folks!

At Tribal, Hayden calls them all out on the rug and shows her that no matter what happens, if she stays with her alliance, she will only get to Number 4 but if she makes a move now she will be one of three and have a whole new start in this game. Gervase and Tyson try to argue otherwise but even they call her Number 4!

At the vote it's a tie between Monica and Hayden. The second vote still comes up tied so they end up drawing stones. The three people who did NOT get any  votes have to draw stones – black stones, you stay, white stones, you leave. Katie, in what is probably the worst show of bad luck ever, picks the white stone and she's off to Redemption Island.

32 days into this season and someone FINALLY makes a bold move. It might get interesting now. It just might.

Vag’s Evaluation: Here we go again - another week and another dose of this bunch of unlikeable cads trying to prove how stupid they are. Wonderful. Plus, I don’t feel very well. Oh well, enough whining. I signed up for this job and I better get to it.

First some clever quotes from Fellow Survivor Geek Patty 4Names:

“Now they’re eating frikkin’ ICE CREAM! It never stops with the food on this season!”

“This ep doesn’t deserve much bloggage, unless something super exciting happens at the end. Sigh…"

“RUBBISH! Bloody HELL!”

I rather fancy her last comment. I believe it captures most the way most people feel about this season. Hopefully my cohort, Mary Beth covered some of the activities that occurred tonight because I have no intention of doing so. If she didn’t, I don’t blame her…

What I will give you is my opinions of the remaining castaways. Like tonight’s jury of Aras, Vytas and Caleb, I too will am laughing out loud. Rest assured that everything I am writing about this dimwits is oozing with sarcasm.

On Redemption Island:

Tina – I have had enough of this microscopic winner from season two. Go home already!
Laura M. – Ciera sprang forth from your loins. Enough said. You too can go home!
Katie – I guess you can stay around for a while. Especially if you break out your nerd glasses again.

The Five Remaining Castaways:

Monica – I like your husband a lot better than you, and he played for the Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Chicago Bears! What does that tell you?
Hayden – I hate to say this, but he might be the least annoying of this group. Hell, he has Kat for a girlfriend, these other beauties shouldn’t faze him at all.
Ciera – I can’t put my finger on it, but I cannot stand this little cretin. Maybe it’s her odd peanut-shaped head or the way she treated her scumbag mother. I’m not sure, but she needs to go away. Soon.
Gervase – Okay I get it, you’re from Philly and are street smart. But you’re also 44 years old and riding the coattails of the most miserable jerk on season 27.
Tyson – That’s the miserable jerk of which I speak! Let’s start with the fact that he looks like an emaciated Clay Matthews with a broken nose. He is also an arrogant scoundrel with no personality. Then, on top of that, he was blubbering tonight. He needs to be gone. I no longer want him to hurt my eyes and ears. Or my sensibilities.

Man, I hate this season.

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.11

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: I have to apologize in advance for the lackadaisical nature of my 2Cents tonight. Let me explain. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, a holiday most noted for the sizeable feast enjoyed by my family. A feast, it should be noted, that I am partially (read half) responsible for supplying – fully cooked and on time. This means that I spend the day before running around town getting all the things I forgot to get earlier and cooking what can be cooked a day ahead. Most notably, the turkey. By the time I sat down to watch Survivor I was ready to relax and enjoy.

The thing is, I can't enjoy this season. I just can't. I don't care a fig about any one of these people. In fact, they annoy the crap outta me. I do not care about skinny Tyson who runs everything. I do not care for Gervase or his sidekicks who blindly do what Tyson tells them to do. I really don't care for any of the women on this season. Especially Tina. I became quite irate with Laura M. who insisted on helping pitiful Tina win the Redemption Island challenge thus sending Vytas packing off to the jury.

I found myself drifting, getting up to check on the turkey, coming back and actually dozing off a couple of times! I dozed off! Now that has never happened in any other season of this wonderful show so that is proof right there that this season…for lack of a better word…sucks.

By the time they got to Tribal, I was done. All the talk about who to take out, Tyson? Ciera? Blah, blah who cares! When it was Caleb who got the blindside I couldn't even get excited about witnessing a good blindside. I'm over this season. Blood vs. Water was the dumbest twist in Survivor history and next season, please, for the love of all that is holy, just bring back our show – two tribes of strangers, stranded, competing for a million bucks, no Redemption Island, no weird twists, just good challenges, little food and interesting personalities. Please. I'm begging here.

Oh one more thing. Another telling sign that I'm over this season? My 2Cents has been getting shorter and shorter each week! I am speechless!

Vag’s Evaluation: It has been no secret how I feel about season 27, Survivor: Blood vs. Water. The cast is less than stellar and the Redemption Island twist totally sucks. However, I have to admit, tonight’s episode picked up my spirits a little bit. At least there is a little hope that the season won’t be rotten from start to finish.

The only reason I give this season any chance at all is that there are finally some castaways that I can’t stand. At all. Let me clarify. It has been a struggle finding anyone likeable. I finally came up with Tina’s daughter, Katie. And I am sticking with her. She isn’t very annoying and is fairly fetching. I couldn’t care less about the rest of those characters. No great dislike, just a great deal of indifference.

But that has all changed. A lot.

After Caleb was “blindsided” and sent to Redemption Island, this is what we have left after eleven episodes:

Kasama – Tyson, Monica, Ciera, Gervase, Hayden and Katie

Redemption Island – Laura, Tina and Caleb

Jury – Aras and Vytas

While the jury doesn’t really enter into the equation at this point, I have formed definite opinions of the other nine that remain in the game. While I cannot stand the Redemption Island aspect of the game, I have to consider the three players that currently reside there.

Caleb is okay, but the buff around his neck and those cowboy boots sorta creep me out. I don’t give him much chance of winning his way back into the game. The same can be said for the miniscule Tina. The only reason she’s not on the jury right now is because Laura helped her finish second in the duel, completely screwing Vytas.

Speaking of Laura, the third resident of Redemption Island, what she did to Vytas came as no shock to me. She’s a rotten dirt bag. After all, she’s the “proud” mama of that good-for-nothing weasel, Ciera.

Dear little Ciera. The lovely girl who voted her mother to Redemption Island. When she finally gets to Redemption Island and loses, they should toss her into the fire along with her buff. I can’t stand that snake in the grass.

I have established that I have a growing fondness for Katie, so let’s deal with the rest of the Kasama tribe. Gervase and Monica both surprise me that they are still around. Gervase, because his old-ass can’t compete anymore and Monica because all she does is win Immunity Challenges. Doesn’t say anything, even at Tribal Council, just wins the challenges.

That leaves Hayden and Tyson. Like Katie, Hayden is growing on me, but not for the same reasons. Trust me! He’s fairly honest, decent in challenges and attempts to strategize. If he is around when my Katie is sent to the jury, I will be pulling for Hayden.

The same cannot be said for that jerk, Tyson. As much as I detest Ciera, I have greater disdain for Tyson and his turquoise boxer briefs. I was so hoping he would have choked on one of those huge steaks he was wolfing down during the Immunity Challenge. You know Ciera doesn’t know how to perform the Heimlich maneuver and Gervase was too busy scarfing those grilled sausages. Damn, they looked good, didn’t they?

Oh well, that’s how I feel. Have a great Thanksgiving! Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.10

I am flying solo tonight. I could lie and tell you that my usual partner, Mary Beth, is away on a special assignment, but I will not. Because of the strongly worded letter to Survivor Executive Producer Mark Burnett that she wrote on October 30, she has been suspended. But not by me, I was in total agreement with her. No, the powers that be at CBS came down hard on MB and have prohibited her from participating in the recap this week. So much for freedom of speech. Oh well…

Tonight’s episode is pretty much a no-brainer. It’s all about the beautiful bond between a mother and her daughter. And not much else. What makes it worse is that Ciera, the daughter, is a creepy little skank. It’s fairly obvious from the very beginning that she is willing to vote off her dear mother, Laura. The rest of the show is spent attempting to build suspense with the antics of what has become one of the most unlikeable group of castaways in recent memory.

The Redemption Island duel pits Aras, Vytas and Tina against each other with the top two finishers staying and the loser being sent home. The competitors have to grab 3 bags containing balls with a grappling hook. When you have all 3, they then had to use one of the balls to complete a suspended table maze. After some tension that was created with clever editing, Vytas and Tina finish one-two and Aras has his buff burned. But not before he and his brother, Vytas cry some great big crocodile tears. Give me a break.

Because Vytas finished first, he is allowed to award a Hidden Immunity Clue to one of the eight Kasama tribe members. He promptly turns it over to Katie, who, in a rare moment of brilliance, keeps it.

Back at camp we learn that Tyson, who is looking more and more like Skeletor, has decided it is time to blindside Laura. Of course Caleb and Hayden both nod in agreement with brainless expressions on their faces. Surprise, surprise! The next 10 minutes or so are used in a feeble attempt to show the intimate relationship between the mother and daughter team of Laura and Ciera.

This attempt fails miserably. It only reinforces how dull-witted Laura is and what a trifling little wretch she raised. For me, the suspense ended right here. There was no doubt in my mind that Laura would be voted off to Redemption Island (again) with Ciera sticking a dagger in her back and twisting it for good measure.

And I was correct.

Oh, we got to see Katie search for the Hidden Immunity Idol with Laura shadowing her. There was also a lame Immunity Challenge that Monica won. I guess it’s significant that she gave her reward of jumbo hot dogs, juicy cheeseburgers and fries to the rest of the tribe in some sort of goodwill gesture. But it didn’t matter, it was painfully apparent that Laura was going back to Redemption Island. Sure, the producers tried to create the notion that there was a chance that it might be Katie, but I knew better.

At Tribal Council Probst basically outlined the entire situation for those that weren’t paying attention. I took it as an insult to my intelligence. He knew and I knew that Laura was getting voted off and there would be more crying. And she was and there was. More crying that is.

This season has become so bad that I am searching for anything that will make it more interesting. Anything. Tonight I came up with an outstanding quote from Emmy-award winning host, Jeff Probst. During the Immunity Challenge he came up with this gem, “You want Immunity tonight!” Wow! Talk about stating the obvious. Sheesh…

Another observation I made was how nice these people have it this season. Oh, I’m not just talking about the seemingly never-ending feasts they are rewarded. How about the endless change of wardrobes the castaways seem to have? They are always wearing something new. I don’t recall Richard, Sue or Rudy afforded such a luxury on Borneo in season one. But, what do I know? I’m just a mindless Survivor Geek.

Mary Beth’s suspension better be lifted soon; I can’t endure this torture by myself much longer. Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.9

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah, here I am at, Camp Kasama!

Sorry, I digress, but whenever I hear Camp Kasama that song comes to mind. Anyway, tonight's episode starts with everyone milling around at camp after Aras is voted out. Then the silence is broken by Tina who announces, “I have to say something… Now, in my experience, anytime someone prefaces what they're going to say with “I have something to say…” they usually have nothing important to say and should just shut up. So it was with Tina who tried to make Tyson and Monica feel bad for voting out Aras. Just shut up, Tina.

Later, Tina, realizing she is on her way out, tells her daughter to do whatever it takes to save herself. Now for a normal person this would seem like an invitation to disengage from her but her daughter doesn't seem to get the drift and goes on wondering what do to. Suddenly, BAM – we were into the Immunity Challenge. This episode was going to go fast!

It did my heart good to see a real, old fashioned eating contest. The first round – worms! Everyone got a shot glass of disgusting, writhing mealworms. The first three to get them down and keep them down moved on to round two. Tyson, Monica, and Vytas all move on. Second round – pig intestines! Two who keep it down move on to round three. Monica and Gervase move on and they get to eat – drum roll please!! – Big, fat juicy grubs! Gervase was not able to get these down on his first season so he was the underdog here. Monica and her big horse teeth won this one easily. She even ran over to Probst to shove her choppers in his face to show that she ate them all.

Back at camp, Vytas immediately began looking for some validation that he was going to be the next one out. He started to beg for his life and happily announced that begging was not beneath him. He did manage to shake up the standing alliance a bit because Tyson felt the need to step in and do some damage control. At Tribal Council, Vytas stirred up a lot of dust. He openly pointed out the cracks in the alliance and made a lot of sense but, in the end, he was sent packing.

Behold! There was a second Immunity Challenge tonight. This time they had to balance coins on the end of a sword. Monica had to give up her Immunity Idol and it was anyone's game. Well, turned out it was Katie's game – she won immunity. Back at camp, Monica's paranoia kicked into high gear and she started talking to everyone who was within earshot. This, naturally, put her alliance off because they can never be sure where she's standing at any given moment. At Tribal Council, Tina – looking like a slightly younger version of Granny Clampet – suddenly grew a spine and called Monica out casting a lot of doubt her way. But, she also talked just a wee bit too long and loud and it was bye bye Tina after Probst tallied the votes.

Best line of the night – Monica Culpepper, getting her undies in a bundle after Tina says some disparaging remarks about her – she says, “I AM the best player here…” Oh really? The other players' raised eyebrows tell me they don't all quite agree with you, Monica, darling!

Side note: Earlier today, Paul shared a shirtless photo of Jeff Probst on Facebook and intimated that I and some of the other female Survivor Geeks would find that attractive. I did not. However, during the broadcast tonight, there was a commercial for Two and A Half Men, on which the shirtless Probst is appearing. In the promo, he's wearing nothing but a towel and he's holding…a platter of bacon!!! Well now, he is a whole lot more attractive with the bacon!!! Yee haw!!!!!

Vag’s Evaluation: Well, after bitching and moaning the past few weeks, I have to give Survivor: Blood vs. Water its props. Tonight’s episode went old school and I couldn’t be happier. We were treated to two Immunity Challenges, two Tribal Councils, eating gross things and plenty of bickering and nastiness. Plus, there was very little Redemption Island, no reward feasts and NO friggin’ puzzles! Like I said, old school Survivor.

The first Immunity Challenge was the one that consisted of eating gross things. The first round was divided into two heats of six. On the menu was a shot glass of 40 mealworms. Survivors of those heats were Tyson, Monica, Vytas, Hayden, Gervase, and Caleb. Vytas was impressive as he puked up several of his mealworms and scooped them up and ate them. Tina, in defeat, was comical because she kept pulling on her ears as she attempted to get the gross delicacy down. Even daughter, Katie was amused.

The six victors then had to scarf down 3 ounces of pig intestines. Evidently none of the competitors were Orthodox Jews. The first two to finish would move on to the finals. While the others were gagging, Monica had absolutely no problem swallowing the swine innards. Surprisingly, Gervase finished second.

In the finals Monica made short work of 2 rather large grubs that were still alive and quite squirmy. She slid them down her gullet one right after the other like she had been doing it all her life. Gervase didn’t have a chance and immunity belonged to Monica.

Back at camp Kasama, it was quite apparent that it was Vytas, Tina and Katie against the rest. Vytas, sensing that he was next in line to be voted off, was very pleasant and pleaded with the alliance to be sparred for a few more days.

At Tribal Council, Vytas wasn’t quite so polite. He let the F-bombs fly. At one point he announced, “F*ck you, you voted off my little bother!” His diatribe was then directed at Monica, basically calling her an idiot. Although he had a good point, it didn’t matter, he was sent to be with his brother Aras on Redemption Island.

The second Immunity Challenge involved holding a sword on top of an inverted shield with one hand while you piled coins of various sizes on the handle of the sword with your other hand. It was Monica, Ciera, Tina Gervase, Laura and Caleb spilling their piles first, leaving Tyson, Hayden and Katie to battle it out for immunity. Remarkably, the coins of Tyson and Hayden fell almost simultaneously and young Katie had earned immunity.

It was pretty clear that Tina would be the next to go. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they tried to create the notion that there was an outside shot that Monica might be the next to be sent to Redemption Island. But I knew better, I have been watching Survivor too long to fall for that ploy. So, just as I had suspected, Tina was sent to Redemption Island to join Vytas and Aras.

Now that Survivor: Blood vs. Water has somewhat peaked my interest again, I actually have opinions of the remaining castaways. Currently, I can’t stand Tyson, Monica and Laura at all. I am indifferent with Tina, Ciera, Gervase and Hayden. I am sort of pulling for the Baskauskas brothers, Aras and Vytas. The way they interact intrigues me.

That leaves young Katie. Initially, I could take her or leave her. Especially when they fixated on how messed up her toes were. However, every since she first sported her giant nerd glasses, I have become kind of fond of her. And now that she has taken to wearing her buff like a mini skirt, well…she is my personal favorite for season 27.

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.8

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty – everyone's talking about loyalty. I'm not sure they quite know the meaning of the word but they sure do like to toss it around on Survivor.

Tonight's episode begins with poor Laura B. feeling completely hornswoggled that she has been sent packing to Redemption Island. Her depression is short lived, however, when she reads to John and Laura M. that the winner of the next Redemption challenge will re-enter the game. The losers will just go home. I was briefly excited when I saw the challenge. I wondered if my strongly worded letter from last week had anything to do with the fact that tonight's Redemption challenge was a simple test of strength. The three competitors had to hang on a pole as long as they could. This was the kind of challenge I love and was hoping for!

The competition, however, was quite underwhelming. Anticlimactic, if you know what I mean. First John struggled his way out of his shoes and slid off the pole. Next Laura B. lost her footing and hit the dirt. Laura M. won, much to her daughter, Ciera's chagrin and I thought, “Meh…who really cares about any of these people?” I, for one, do not. Ciera was apparently afraid her mother returning was going to mess up her game.

I say, let the mess begin because then maybe something interesting will happen. Then Probst announced the tribes were now merging and he gave them all new buffs. Laura M. received the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol, which, like those before her, she promptly tossed into the fire. The symbolism of that particular gesture is lost on me now. If you're given a head's up, take it. Sheesh!

Back at camp, Ciera quickly takes her mom aside to let her in on the “plan” and to tell her to not play so hard or she'll get the axe. Laura M. somehow takes this to mean she is now in a “power position” in the game. Delusional much? Tyson goes off to find the Hidden Immunity Idol, which he does, in record time. At this point, the producers might as well put up neon arrows pointing to the thing. That's how easy it is to find it. Tyson actually stepped on it while he was looking for it.

Aras and Vytas have a brotherly moment where Aras lets Vytas in on the “plan” and Vytas tells his “plan” to Aras. Tyson tries to let Monica in on the “plan” but the woman wouldn't shut up long enough to hear it prompting Tyson to think of ways to kill her. She is very annoying and if he did kill her, THAT would be interesting. She has her dirty bikini bottom in a bunch because Tina tactfully let her know that she was #5 and that should make her happy. Oh that silly Tina!

The Immunity Challenge was a glorified game of Memory. Such a lame challenge! One by one they lost leaving the brothers, Vytas and Aras, to duke it out at the end. Oh the drama! But Vytas wins and off they go to Tribal Council.

At Tribal Council, I got totally distracted by Tyson's topknot Librarian bun hairdo! What was up with that?? He looked like a skinny, white Sumo wrestler who's top know was a wee bit too tight. Probst tried to raise some interest by poking at the old “which is stronger – blood or water” shtick but it was just more chatter and, in the end, Aras was blindsided and voted off to – Redemption Island? Oh dear lord, I thought we were finally done with that pretense tonight but NO…he gets another chance to come back to the game. Sheesh!!!

Vag’s Evaluation: Tonight’s episode started with Tina returning from Tribal Council and doing her best Laura B. impersonation. She immediately informs Monica that, while she is till in their alliance of six, the best she can finish is number five. Huh? I guess Survivor has Power Ratings now. I missed that in my Sporting News. What a dope.

At Redemption Island we are treated with Laura M., John (Candice’s wife) and Laura B. wrapped around totems poles. Whoever hangs on the longest wins and is back in the game. The other two smucks go home for good. John and Laura B. slide off first and are sent packing to be with their respective mates. Of course Laura burns the Hidden Immunity Idol clue. Great twist, Burnett.

After the duel, Probst announces that the tribes are now one. With the merge, the eleven remaining castaways are presented with lovely new purple buffs. And…you guessed it, another feast. The new tribe eagerly scarfed down sandwiches, salami, cheese and wine. Burp…

Before the Immunity Challenge, Tyson wandered off in search of a Hidden Immunity Idol. As they showed him strolling into the woods, I promptly vomited in my mouth. Am I the only one that is creeped out by those turquoise boxer briefs? Come on dude, but some pants on. Who do you think you are, Special Agent Phil?

Oh ya, he finds an Idol. At least he is smart enough not to let anyone else know that he has it. Those briefs must not be that tight.

Basically, the Immunity Challenge is a game of concentration. And Monica, Caleb, Katie, Tyson, Tina, and Hayden are quickly eliminated in the first round. In round two, Ciera, Laura M. and Gervase make a hasty exit leaving brothers, Vytas and Aras to battle it out for Immunity. Vytas wins proving that those drugs didn’t kill all of his brain cells.

When everyone returns to camp we learn two things. First, with no real explanation, the merged tribe will be called Kasmas. The other thing is that there are at least four or five alliances. Let me clarify that. Four or five “supposed” or “imagined” alliances. There is a two-word term for this. The first word is cluster. My mother doesn’t allow me to say the other word.

Tribal Council is pretty boring. If Probst wasn’t such a sneaky instigator, I think I would have fell asleep. Honestly. They blindside Aras and then Probst says something that totally pisses me off. “Aras, the tribe has spoken. But you’re not out of the game; you will now go to Redemption Island.” What the… I thought we were done with that failed twist. Man, how many more weeks are left of this train wreck?

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.7

 Vag’s Evaluation:

Well, Blood vs. Water continues to be less than stellar. The first 22 minutes focused on the neurotic Kat and her weepy boyfriend Hayden. The dumb little bimbette is convinced that Hayden is gonna dump her because she was voted onto Redemption Island. Huh? C’mon, Kat, the guy might resemble Jethro Bodine in more ways than one, but give him some credit.

Probst turns the unnecessary drama-meter up another notch by reminding Kat and Hayden that they can switch places. This causes more blubbering from Bugtussle’s homecoming king and queen. Finally, Kat decides to stay in the Redemption Island Duel even though Hayden said he would swap with her. Oh the humanity!

The duel pits Candice’s husband John, Laura M. and the frazzled Kat. The combatants must untie a machete, then chop a rope that releases a bag of puzzle pieces that they must assemble into a flame-looking thing. Long story short, Kat is so much of a basket case she can barely open the bag of puzzle pieces. So, despite some trumped up “Survivor” drama, John finishes first and Laura M. is second.

This means they stay and Kat can go back to Bugtussle. But not before she starts weeping again. She embraces Hayden and, in between sobs, implores him not to leave her. Her last bit of brilliance is to ask, “You’re not gonna break up with me, are you?” Don’t worry, Kat, he isn’t that bright.

The next eight minutes are consumed with the Vytas love-fest at the Galang camp. Tina is even hoping that the reformed bad boy will hook up with daughter Katie and give her some grandbabies. Laura B. is making weird faces and crying at the thought of having to vote Vytas off if they should lose the Immunity Challenge. Oh brother.

It is at this point that I have a major epiphany. Maybe it’s because I have watched A League of Their Own three times in the last ten days, but I came to a couple of conclusions. First, just as Jimmy Dugan so eloquently said, “There is no baseball in baseball”; there should be no crying in Survivor! Secondly, Laura B., Rupert’s wife, bears a striking resemblance to Rockford Peach second baseman Marla Hooch. Google her.

The only thing going on over at Tadhana is Tyson, Hayden, Caleb, Gervase, and Ciera plotting against Aras who is off meditating on top of some beautiful lush mountain top. Honest, that’s it.

It’s finally time for the Immunity/Reward Challenge. Unfortunately I am so nauseated that I can barely pay attention. The challenge is something about four castaways from each tribe chained together gathering puzzle pieces so the fifth member can try to assemble and throw bolos at a railing. Blah, blah, blah…

Of course Tadhana won. Their reward was fried chicken and all the fixings. All they could eat! Once again producer Mark Burnett missed the boat and neglected having KFC sponsor the challenge. Then again, given the poor quality of this season, maybe KFC politely turned down Burnett’s offer. By the way, Tyson made the comment, “I don’t think I’ve gone to bed hungry once.” Nice…

Prior to Tribal Council, Marla/Laura B. proudly announces to Vytas that the four girls have decided to vote him off. Monica, Tina and Katie are flabbergasted. Vytas isn’t too thrilled, either. You know what this means – at Tribal Council Marla/Laura B. is sent to Redemption Island.

The only thing we have to look forward to next week is the merge. It also looks like the winner of the Redemption Island is back in the game. Hopefully this means that the two losers are sent hope. The sooner we get rid of these people, the better.

Mary Beth’s 2Cents:

Dear Mr. Burnett,

As an avid watcher of your series, Survivor, it is with a heavy heart that I write this letter. Let me start by saying that I was psyched to hear of the Blood vs. Water theme for this season. The idea of favorites coming back to play with their loved ones was a good one. But it was a short lived thrill when, in the very first episode, the loved ones were separated from the faves AND the stupid Redemption Island thing came in to play as well. The truth is, you're using the words “fan favorites” very loosely with this bunch. I don't remember half of them and I've watched every season of this show. Then the ones I do remember are the most boring, insipid group of people ever! The only one worth his salt was Rupert and you managed to get him off the show far too soon.

Tonight, the only words that came to mind where these. OH. COME. ON!! The ridiculous made up drama coming from Kat as she burst into tears wondering if her boyfriend would now leave her because she was voted off was the most annoying staged mess you have ever presented us with. It had to be made up. No one is that stupid to think their entire relationship would be over because she “disappointed” her boyfriend by losing on Survivor. Can they? I mean is Kat that stupid? It was completely pathetic as she walked away, tossed her buff in the fire and said, “Please don't leave me…” OH. COME. ON!!!

And another thing, why are none of these people starving? Why do they get full meals at almost every challenge? When will you ever go back to the good old days of Survivor when they ate so little rice they were nearly skeletal at the end. And enough with the puzzles, already! Remember that really great challenge where they had to stand on the poles in the sun over the water. We could see their ribs and how much weight they lost. Two of them got naked for chocolate. Remember that, Mr. Burnett? That was when Survivor was good. These days they sit around talking about their relationships. Tina was even playing Matchmaker for her daughter and hoping she would date Vytas! Who has time for this crap!?

By the time it got to the Immunity Challenge, I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care who went home because they are all dullards with no personalities. They sit around and eat and, frankly, I can watch the orangutans at the zoo do that. So the debate at Tribal Council between who should go, Vytas or Laura B. brought a resounding “Who gives a rat's ass!?” from my house.

It is time, Mr. Burnett, to shake up this show once and for all and the way to do that is not to get gimmicky and add more inane twists. It's not bringing back old players either. (Unless it's Russell Hantz – because I would watch Russell forever. Best player ever!) It's not the incredibly stupid and boring Redemption Island. That needs to go and be gone forever.

No. It's none of those things.

To shake up this show you need to go back to the beginning. You need to get two tribes of strangers. And not just bikini models but a real cross hatch of characters – like the Sue Hawks, Rudy Boesch, and Russell Hantz's of the world – throw in a little Colby-like goodness and a slick Pavarti-ish creature. All ages, all sizes, all strangers, all having to get to know one another, compete against each other and trust one another to the end. Don't feed them a banquet every day. Let them forage and fish and suffer a little. Make the challenges more physical with no more puzzles. In other words, go back to basics. Go back to pure, classic Survivor. We, the audience, will still be there and, I guarantee you will not regret it. Please save our show! We're begging you!

Sincerely,
Mary Beth, Survivor Geek.

Wow. Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.6

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: So, Galang returns from Tribal Council, where they have blindsided Laura M. with the idea that she can win at Redemption Island, and while most of them are feeling pretty low about what they just did, Laura B., Rupert's wife, is secretly celebrating the fact that it wasn't her that was voted off.

Aras realizes there may be a target on his back now since he was the kingpin of that blindside. Tyson and Gervase discuss when might be the right time to dethrone King Aras. Gervase even goes so far as to call him and Tyson the “new power couple” of Survivor. Now, I'm not sure what power they yield just yet because so far the only thing either of them has done is steal coconuts from the rest of the tribe.

Over at Redemption Island, John, Culpepper and Laura M. go head to head in a race that consists of walking along a balance beam, stopping to untie bags of number tiles and then quickly putting the tiles in order at the end from 1-100. Laura M. gets a quick lead and manages to hang onto it to easily win this one. She said she was confident and she didn't lie!

John and Culpepper duked it out for second place. John was making it easy for Culpepper by falling off the beam and not being able to untie a knot or two but Culpepper didn't seem able to count to 100 so John caught up and blew past him. Culpepper was sent home much to the whiney Monica's dismay.

Laura M. gave Vytas the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol but he promptly tossed it in the fire. That clue means there's a target on your back and nobody wants it. Then Probst announces that it's time to “switch things up” a little. Usually this means a merge but this time, instead, they were given new buffs and rearranged into two new tribes. Vytas, Kat, Monica, Katie and Laura B. are the new Galang and Tyson, Gervase, Aras, Hayden and Ciera are the new Tadhana.

Back at camp they set to welcoming the new people to the camp. Tyson begins making new friends and influencing people, but pretty much amping up his “assholeness.” He eats more food whenever he wants and starts making snarky comments on what bad decisions Aras makes. He wants to put as much bad juju on Aras as he can so he can make the others think Aras is in charge. Hayden, the quiet one so far, is watching this and doesn't like what he's seeing in Tyson. I think Tyson is a twitload of twattle. He never played a very good game before and this time he's just a major jerk.

At the Immunity Challenge, it is a swimming challenge where two people from each tribe swim out to release a fish trap and return to shore. They have to bring back three traps and then they can complete a puzzle. Tina and Laura B. go out first for Galang and they do something so idiotic that I can't believe either one of them are still around! They swim out and release the trap but then swim all the way back without the fish trap. When their tribes yells and tells them to go back they stand there like they have no idea what the heck they're supposed to do.

Finally they go back but Galang loses a major lead and Tadhana is way ahead. The other members of Galang haul ass though and they do catch up. Three time…yes, THREE times… Galang, again with Tina, thinks they have the puzzle completed and all three times Probst tells them NO! They can't get it together and Tadhana sweeps past them for the win. Tina is no rocket scientist, that's for sure. Sheesh!

At Tribal Council, Galang is all a shambles. The plan was to vote off Vytas so the women's alliance stays strong but before they get to council, Kat tells Tina she's worried about Monica who “talks too much.” Tina, the brain trust that she is, runs right off to tell Monica who then turns the tables and sets the voting sights on Kat. Kat begs for her life at Tribal and Vytas sees his chance to throw some gasoline on the Kat flames. In the end, Vytas survives another day and Kat and her pouty face is sent to Redemption Island.

Quote of the week: Tyson - “I don't believe in anything. Except magic. Because that stuff's real!”

Vag’s Evaluation: Okay, it was a little better than last week. But just barely. Mary Beth and I decided to cover both tribes because of the highly publicized tribe swap. Big deal.

At the Redemption Island Duel Laura M. finished first and Candice’s wife, John came in second. That meant Culpepper had to go home. Great, another castaway with a bit of a personality is eliminated. Great. Just great. Oh ya, Probst asked Culpepper to compare Survivor and playing in the NFL. Dumb ass question. I used to like Probst…

Laura M., because she finished first, was allowed to award a Hidden Immunity Idol clue to someone. She handed it to Vytas who promptly tossed it into the fire. Yawn. Getting tired of the routine. In fact, I have pretty much had it with the whole Redemption Island concept. It pretty much sucks.

After John and Laura M. leave the Redemption Island Arena, Probst tells the two tribes to sit still. After everyone oohs and ahs for a moment, they draw buffs to establish new tribes. Aras, Gervase and Tyson join Caleb, Hayden and Ciera on the freshly configured Tadhana tribe. This leaves Monica, Vytas, Katie, Tina, Kat, Monica and Laura B. to form the new and not-so improved Galang tribe.

Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of what happen between the reformation of the tribes and the Immunity/Reward Challenge:

At Tadhana the old tribe members told their new teammates anything they wanted to know. Tyson acted like a real jag-off, eating all the food, which really pissed Hayden off. Over at Galang Kat led the new group in prayer and Vytas told everyone what it was like to spend eight months in prison. Zzzz…

When they finally got around to the Immunity/Reward Challenge, Mark Burnett, Probst and the other Survivor bigwigs really blow it. The reward for the challenge is turkey, roast beef, cheese, fresh bread and all the fixings. Probst kept gushing about what a great picnic these sandwiches would make. But did Survivor have Subway® or Jimmy John’s sponsor the challenge? NO! This season is really disappointing me on so many levels.

The challenge required the castaways to swim out in pairs to an underwater wooden cage where they must collect fish traps containing puzzle pieces. After all three fish traps are recovered; two members have to assemble the puzzle. Imagine, another puzzle!

For me, the only highlight of the challenge was when Laura B. and Tina of Galang swam all the way out to the underwater cage and back without retrieving a fish trap. Talk about a major brain fart. This gave Tadhana a huge lead, which they almost squandered, but not quite. The loss earns Galang a trip to Tribal Council to vote someone off to Redemption Island. Not off the show, but to friggin’ Redemption Island. Remember, people don’t get eliminated until the first ten minutes of NEXT week’s episode. Talk about anticlimactic…

Speaking of anticlimactic, that’s exactly what Tribal Council was. Kat was a liar and everyone knew it, so they sent her to…Redemption friggin’ Island. The part of Tribal Council that I found entertaining was the spectacles that Katie was sporting. Too nerdy! Hey, Burnett and Probst, are you listening? Get LensCrafters® to sponsor Katie’s glasses! You already blew with the sandwiches.

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.5

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: Tadhana Times – The hard part about writing about Tadhana is that I haven't really found one member of the tribe that I can fully like. The only person coming close to being liked by me is Brad Culpepper and, mostly I think, because he's the only one who's been actually playing the game so far and he's so hated/misunderstood by everyone else. He's sort of an underdog and I'm always a sucker for an underdog. He waving the white flag as he crept into camp on Redemption Island amused me.

Now, there are two people I cannot stomach. John and his skinny lipped, overly opinionated wife, Candice. She is a shrew and I silently wished her gone. Well, lucky me! My wish came true. In the Redemption Challenge, the three competitors had to dismantle a box, use the slats to make a bridge, dismantle said bridge and use only some of the marked slats to complete a puzzle.

Candice had an early lead but John soon caught up. Culpepper worked slowly and methodically, taking his box apart and carefully building his bridge. Candice lost her lead but they all worked head to head on the puzzle. It was a close race but John came in first and Brad Culpepper won the second seat by a very narrow margin. But it was a win that sent snake lips home! Whooo hooo!!

Overall, Tadhana is looking pretty beat up. They are covered in bug bites, open sores, scrapes and bruises. Katie's toenails are falling off left and right and I could have done without the close ups of her swollen, red, pus-filled feet. Pretty disgusting, I must say.

Now that Culpepper is gone there is a new vibe in Tadhana. Everyone seems at peace. Vytas spends some time trying to solve the human mystery that is Caleb. And Caleb divulges that he likes to exfoliate. Later, Vytas makes for some pretty eye candy as he does some interesting yoga moves on a cliffside. Yep, it's a whole new vibe.

At the Immunity/Reward Challenge, the tribes go mano y mano on a water slide/ring toss combo game. The reward, other than immunity, is a huge pile of steaks with all the fixins and a wok to cook them in. Or they could choose fishing gear. I tell ya, those steaks looked so good I almost wished I was there!

Right off the bat, Caleb, the exfoliator, gives Tadhana the early lead by making an easy ring toss. Not to be outdone, Tyson ends up tying it all up. Katie takes the lead back again followed by a score by Vytas, which put Tadhana two points ahead. The score goes back and forth for a while but Tadhana holds onto the two-point lead and FINALLY wins the challenge!

See? A whole new vibe. And, they chose the steaks because…well, who wouldn't!? I think they made the right choice. Not just about the steaks but they made the right choice about voting out Culpepper. Oh, he'll be back. I have a feeling he will but for now…it was the right to do so this motley crew can get some peace and move forward in this game.
 
Vag’s Evaluation: The Galang Gang – This is where I am supposed to recap what happened on this evening’s episode of Survivor: Blood vs. Water. Well, I don’t know whether it is worth it or not. Please let me explain why.

On September 20, 1977, Fonzie jumped the shark. For the uninformed, jumping the shark became an idiom used to describe the moment in the evolution of a television show when it begins to decline in quality that is beyond recovery, which is usually a particular scene, episode or aspect of a show in which the writers use some type of gimmick in a desperate attempt to keep viewers’ interest.

Fellow Survivor Geeks, October 16, 2013 may be the date Survivor jumped the shark for yours truly. And, I do believe that I am not alone in this assertion. My standard Survivor ritual includes getting feedback from Fellow Survivor Geeks Patty 4-Names and Auntie Janet before I start writing. Tonight’s responses were most revealing…

From Patty 4-Names: “I dunno, I no longer understand this show. I have watched it since the beginning. My husband and I were in the city for a concert at the Chicago Theatre and I made him find a bar so we could watch the Finale of the first season! This is NOTHING like the old show!” The pièce de résistance was when she added, “I have no idea who Laura M. is?!?!?!!?

From Auntie Janet: “Who are these people?” She then asked me how many episodes were left this season. When I told her that this was only episode five and there are eight or nine more, disappointment in her, “Oh really” response oozed through the phone. Auntie Janet used to love Survivor.

So did I.

I was never a fan of the Redemption Island twist; it detracts from the drama of Tribal Council. Plus, it eliminates the Reward Challenge. Now, on top of all of that, they have added this Blood vs. Water thing. Blah, blah, blah…

Give me the good old days where the show was about the personalities of the castaways. I need people like Richard Hatch, Russell Hantz, Coach, and Parvati, please. It doesn’t have to be THOSE people, but it has to be people like them. Someone with character and charisma. Not a broken down Gervase and doddering Tina Wesson.

For crying out loud, even Emmy award-winning host Jeff Probst is finding it difficult to stir the shit up at Tribal Council. The biggest reaction he got was Kat rolling her eyes when he said something about Laura B.

Okay, okay, I’ll stop whining. Hopefully my partner, Mary Beth isn’t as disgruntled as I am and provided you some entertainment. Don’t worry, I’m contractually obligated to complete season 27, so I will be back next week. Hopefully I will have a better attitude. But if Probst is water-skiing wearing a leather jacket, all bets are off…

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.4

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: What’s Happening With Tadhana - Two weeks ago, when Peever and I decided to split up the tribes with him writing about Galang and me writing about Tadhana, I thought I would take some time to find the break out persona and write about that. What I discovered is that I don't like the people on the Tadhana tribe but I will admit that what they lack in personality they do make up in drama. There is an abundance of drama!

Last week, Tadhana voted John off to Redemption Island, a fact that did not sit well with skinny-lipped Candice who was already there. She didn't seem to understand that by continually giving him the clues to the hidden idol may have contributed to the big target on his back. Brad Culpepper, one of the only players this year that seems to be playing the game of Survivor tells his tribe that he “hooked John in” right from the start. Brad Culpepper talks too much and that might come back to bite him in the end.

At Redemption, Candice tells Probst that she was hoping the person voted off would be someone she “could hate! Someone like Brad Culpepper!!” She has it out for him because of the stuff Marissa's been telling her and now her beloved John was voted out too. John chimes in and tells them all not to trust Culpepper.

The Redemption Challenge was a rope maze through a ladder-type thing to release a bunch of puzzle pieces. First person to complete the puzzle wins. John makes easy work of this and easily wins the challenge. Marissa and Candace duke it out for a while but Candice steps up and wins which sends Marissa packing.

The winner, John, gets to give the clue to whomever he wants but does as he's told when Candice tells him to give it to Monica Culpepper. Not that it's personal or anything. Monica takes the clue and tosses it in the fire as if to say, “F... you!” Meanwhile, back at Redemption, alone at last, Candice and John are acting like they're at a Sandals Resort. EW! I dislike both of these people immensely.

Back at Tadhana, Brad has hurt feelings and pouts a lot while the others all pat him on the back to make him feel better. He turns around and points out the if the Galang tribe gets so upset when they vote out a loved one maybe they should vote out Caleb because his loved one, Colton, quit last week so they would have nothing to get mad about.

Hayden, Caleb and Vytas are creating their own alliance leaving Brad on the totem but very low on the totem indeed. Caleb, who may be smarter than he looks, says it's a good thing to keep Brad around because the spotlight is on him leaving the rest of them to do some dirty work and not get in trouble.

Both tribes come together for the Immunity/Reward Challenge. This time they have to paddle out to retrieve five crates, which they then use to build a stair case leading them to a puzzle which gives them the combination to a key which will allow them to raise their flag.

Reward is coffee, tea, biscotti and croissants or fishing gear. As always, Tadhana takes an early lead, easily paddling out and gathering their first crate. The lead last while Brad gets the remainder of the crates for Tadhana. Then, just as they are nearing the shore, all of the crates tumble out of the boat! Seriously! They lose the lead AGAIN!!

They muster it together and get on shore and catch up again at the puzzle portion of the challenge. Tadhana lets Ciera take the lead in completing the puzzle. Why? I don't know. She blew it the last time they did that and she blew it again this time. Tadhana loses again. AGAIN!! Hayden summed it up best when he said, “We lost to a one armed man and three moms.”

Before Tribal Council, Brad Culpepper tells the women he's voting for Caleb. He turns around and tells the men, he's voting for Ciera and then, because he cannot stop talking ever, he tells Caleb he told the women to vote for him. Of course, this set Caleb to thinking which leads to more drama at Tribal Council. Caleb admits he now does not trust Brad Culpepper and decides he's writing Brad's name down. He announces this to the rest of the tribe, which, of course, gives the women an out and a reprieve.

The first vote is tied three to three Ciera and Brad. The revote, with Ciera and Brad sitting out, is tallied and it's....drum roll please...Brad Culpepper is off to Redemption Island! I still don't like these people very much but they are pretty exciting to watch!

Vag’s Evaluation: What’s Going On With Galang – Here we go again. It’s like déjà vu all over again. The episode starts out at Redemption Island and once again there is a “classy” broad flipping off Brad Culpepper. This time it is the lovely Candice. She is pissed off because the Tadhana voted off her wife John. Of course, she blames that all on Culpepper.

This week’s Redemption Island Duel involves maneuvering a key attached to a Nerf® football on a rope through a ladder bridge. John finishes first with his husband Candice coming in second. This eliminates little miss Potty-Mouth, Marissa. It also means that John has the privilege of awarding a Hidden Immunity Clue to anyone he likes. When Probst asks John who he would like to give it to, his husband, Candice quickly butts in and says, “We will give it to Monica.”

Wow…

This causes Probst to enquire if that’s how it is at home as well. John giggles and responds that he lets Candice think he does as she says. He then promptly hands the clue to Monica. What’s another word for cat? To her, Monica tells John and his husband that she doesn’t need their stinking clue and tosses it into the fire. Obviously there is another woman besides Candice possessing more testosterone than John. And Probst is impressed.

Not much happens at Galang before the Immunity Challenge. Oh wait, Tyson and Gervase did form this wacky “Coconut Bandit” alliance. It involves the two of them carefully cutting into coconuts, drinking the milk and then replacing them in an effort to confuse the other members of the Galang tribe. Imagine the hilarity! Go ahead. Try to imagine it. I still am…

The Immunity Challenge entails the tribes to paddle, dive, and retrieve five crates. With the crates they must build a staircase, then make a puzzle that will give them a clue to which key to choose. If it is correct, a flag pops up and you win immunity. Along with coffee, tea, biscotti,  croissants and all the fixings. Blah, blah, blah…

Just like last week, the Tadhana tribe jumps out to any early lead only to have Galang totally dominate the puzzle-making portion of the challenge. And, like last week, it is Laura M. laying the ass whooping to her snot-nosed daughter, Ciera. And, like last week, Laura M. blubbers about having to beat her baby again. Blah, blah, blah…

Also like last week, Galang’s victory means that Mary Beth gets to report on crazy goings-on at Tribal Council. Oh well, at least my wish came true and Culpepper got to hook up with Candice and her husband, John at Redemption Island.

My Fellow Survivor Geek Question of the Week: Where did they find these people? It’s pretty bad when Krazy Kat is able to fly under the radar. Until next time…from the booth.