Survivor 27.7

 Vag’s Evaluation:

Well, Blood vs. Water continues to be less than stellar. The first 22 minutes focused on the neurotic Kat and her weepy boyfriend Hayden. The dumb little bimbette is convinced that Hayden is gonna dump her because she was voted onto Redemption Island. Huh? C’mon, Kat, the guy might resemble Jethro Bodine in more ways than one, but give him some credit.

Probst turns the unnecessary drama-meter up another notch by reminding Kat and Hayden that they can switch places. This causes more blubbering from Bugtussle’s homecoming king and queen. Finally, Kat decides to stay in the Redemption Island Duel even though Hayden said he would swap with her. Oh the humanity!

The duel pits Candice’s husband John, Laura M. and the frazzled Kat. The combatants must untie a machete, then chop a rope that releases a bag of puzzle pieces that they must assemble into a flame-looking thing. Long story short, Kat is so much of a basket case she can barely open the bag of puzzle pieces. So, despite some trumped up “Survivor” drama, John finishes first and Laura M. is second.

This means they stay and Kat can go back to Bugtussle. But not before she starts weeping again. She embraces Hayden and, in between sobs, implores him not to leave her. Her last bit of brilliance is to ask, “You’re not gonna break up with me, are you?” Don’t worry, Kat, he isn’t that bright.

The next eight minutes are consumed with the Vytas love-fest at the Galang camp. Tina is even hoping that the reformed bad boy will hook up with daughter Katie and give her some grandbabies. Laura B. is making weird faces and crying at the thought of having to vote Vytas off if they should lose the Immunity Challenge. Oh brother.

It is at this point that I have a major epiphany. Maybe it’s because I have watched A League of Their Own three times in the last ten days, but I came to a couple of conclusions. First, just as Jimmy Dugan so eloquently said, “There is no baseball in baseball”; there should be no crying in Survivor! Secondly, Laura B., Rupert’s wife, bears a striking resemblance to Rockford Peach second baseman Marla Hooch. Google her.

The only thing going on over at Tadhana is Tyson, Hayden, Caleb, Gervase, and Ciera plotting against Aras who is off meditating on top of some beautiful lush mountain top. Honest, that’s it.

It’s finally time for the Immunity/Reward Challenge. Unfortunately I am so nauseated that I can barely pay attention. The challenge is something about four castaways from each tribe chained together gathering puzzle pieces so the fifth member can try to assemble and throw bolos at a railing. Blah, blah, blah…

Of course Tadhana won. Their reward was fried chicken and all the fixings. All they could eat! Once again producer Mark Burnett missed the boat and neglected having KFC sponsor the challenge. Then again, given the poor quality of this season, maybe KFC politely turned down Burnett’s offer. By the way, Tyson made the comment, “I don’t think I’ve gone to bed hungry once.” Nice…

Prior to Tribal Council, Marla/Laura B. proudly announces to Vytas that the four girls have decided to vote him off. Monica, Tina and Katie are flabbergasted. Vytas isn’t too thrilled, either. You know what this means – at Tribal Council Marla/Laura B. is sent to Redemption Island.

The only thing we have to look forward to next week is the merge. It also looks like the winner of the Redemption Island is back in the game. Hopefully this means that the two losers are sent hope. The sooner we get rid of these people, the better.

Mary Beth’s 2Cents:

Dear Mr. Burnett,

As an avid watcher of your series, Survivor, it is with a heavy heart that I write this letter. Let me start by saying that I was psyched to hear of the Blood vs. Water theme for this season. The idea of favorites coming back to play with their loved ones was a good one. But it was a short lived thrill when, in the very first episode, the loved ones were separated from the faves AND the stupid Redemption Island thing came in to play as well. The truth is, you're using the words “fan favorites” very loosely with this bunch. I don't remember half of them and I've watched every season of this show. Then the ones I do remember are the most boring, insipid group of people ever! The only one worth his salt was Rupert and you managed to get him off the show far too soon.

Tonight, the only words that came to mind where these. OH. COME. ON!! The ridiculous made up drama coming from Kat as she burst into tears wondering if her boyfriend would now leave her because she was voted off was the most annoying staged mess you have ever presented us with. It had to be made up. No one is that stupid to think their entire relationship would be over because she “disappointed” her boyfriend by losing on Survivor. Can they? I mean is Kat that stupid? It was completely pathetic as she walked away, tossed her buff in the fire and said, “Please don't leave me…” OH. COME. ON!!!

And another thing, why are none of these people starving? Why do they get full meals at almost every challenge? When will you ever go back to the good old days of Survivor when they ate so little rice they were nearly skeletal at the end. And enough with the puzzles, already! Remember that really great challenge where they had to stand on the poles in the sun over the water. We could see their ribs and how much weight they lost. Two of them got naked for chocolate. Remember that, Mr. Burnett? That was when Survivor was good. These days they sit around talking about their relationships. Tina was even playing Matchmaker for her daughter and hoping she would date Vytas! Who has time for this crap!?

By the time it got to the Immunity Challenge, I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care who went home because they are all dullards with no personalities. They sit around and eat and, frankly, I can watch the orangutans at the zoo do that. So the debate at Tribal Council between who should go, Vytas or Laura B. brought a resounding “Who gives a rat's ass!?” from my house.

It is time, Mr. Burnett, to shake up this show once and for all and the way to do that is not to get gimmicky and add more inane twists. It's not bringing back old players either. (Unless it's Russell Hantz – because I would watch Russell forever. Best player ever!) It's not the incredibly stupid and boring Redemption Island. That needs to go and be gone forever.

No. It's none of those things.

To shake up this show you need to go back to the beginning. You need to get two tribes of strangers. And not just bikini models but a real cross hatch of characters – like the Sue Hawks, Rudy Boesch, and Russell Hantz's of the world – throw in a little Colby-like goodness and a slick Pavarti-ish creature. All ages, all sizes, all strangers, all having to get to know one another, compete against each other and trust one another to the end. Don't feed them a banquet every day. Let them forage and fish and suffer a little. Make the challenges more physical with no more puzzles. In other words, go back to basics. Go back to pure, classic Survivor. We, the audience, will still be there and, I guarantee you will not regret it. Please save our show! We're begging you!

Sincerely,
Mary Beth, Survivor Geek.

Wow. Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.5

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: Tadhana Times – The hard part about writing about Tadhana is that I haven't really found one member of the tribe that I can fully like. The only person coming close to being liked by me is Brad Culpepper and, mostly I think, because he's the only one who's been actually playing the game so far and he's so hated/misunderstood by everyone else. He's sort of an underdog and I'm always a sucker for an underdog. He waving the white flag as he crept into camp on Redemption Island amused me.

Now, there are two people I cannot stomach. John and his skinny lipped, overly opinionated wife, Candice. She is a shrew and I silently wished her gone. Well, lucky me! My wish came true. In the Redemption Challenge, the three competitors had to dismantle a box, use the slats to make a bridge, dismantle said bridge and use only some of the marked slats to complete a puzzle.

Candice had an early lead but John soon caught up. Culpepper worked slowly and methodically, taking his box apart and carefully building his bridge. Candice lost her lead but they all worked head to head on the puzzle. It was a close race but John came in first and Brad Culpepper won the second seat by a very narrow margin. But it was a win that sent snake lips home! Whooo hooo!!

Overall, Tadhana is looking pretty beat up. They are covered in bug bites, open sores, scrapes and bruises. Katie's toenails are falling off left and right and I could have done without the close ups of her swollen, red, pus-filled feet. Pretty disgusting, I must say.

Now that Culpepper is gone there is a new vibe in Tadhana. Everyone seems at peace. Vytas spends some time trying to solve the human mystery that is Caleb. And Caleb divulges that he likes to exfoliate. Later, Vytas makes for some pretty eye candy as he does some interesting yoga moves on a cliffside. Yep, it's a whole new vibe.

At the Immunity/Reward Challenge, the tribes go mano y mano on a water slide/ring toss combo game. The reward, other than immunity, is a huge pile of steaks with all the fixins and a wok to cook them in. Or they could choose fishing gear. I tell ya, those steaks looked so good I almost wished I was there!

Right off the bat, Caleb, the exfoliator, gives Tadhana the early lead by making an easy ring toss. Not to be outdone, Tyson ends up tying it all up. Katie takes the lead back again followed by a score by Vytas, which put Tadhana two points ahead. The score goes back and forth for a while but Tadhana holds onto the two-point lead and FINALLY wins the challenge!

See? A whole new vibe. And, they chose the steaks because…well, who wouldn't!? I think they made the right choice. Not just about the steaks but they made the right choice about voting out Culpepper. Oh, he'll be back. I have a feeling he will but for now…it was the right to do so this motley crew can get some peace and move forward in this game.
 
Vag’s Evaluation: The Galang Gang – This is where I am supposed to recap what happened on this evening’s episode of Survivor: Blood vs. Water. Well, I don’t know whether it is worth it or not. Please let me explain why.

On September 20, 1977, Fonzie jumped the shark. For the uninformed, jumping the shark became an idiom used to describe the moment in the evolution of a television show when it begins to decline in quality that is beyond recovery, which is usually a particular scene, episode or aspect of a show in which the writers use some type of gimmick in a desperate attempt to keep viewers’ interest.

Fellow Survivor Geeks, October 16, 2013 may be the date Survivor jumped the shark for yours truly. And, I do believe that I am not alone in this assertion. My standard Survivor ritual includes getting feedback from Fellow Survivor Geeks Patty 4-Names and Auntie Janet before I start writing. Tonight’s responses were most revealing…

From Patty 4-Names: “I dunno, I no longer understand this show. I have watched it since the beginning. My husband and I were in the city for a concert at the Chicago Theatre and I made him find a bar so we could watch the Finale of the first season! This is NOTHING like the old show!” The pièce de résistance was when she added, “I have no idea who Laura M. is?!?!?!!?

From Auntie Janet: “Who are these people?” She then asked me how many episodes were left this season. When I told her that this was only episode five and there are eight or nine more, disappointment in her, “Oh really” response oozed through the phone. Auntie Janet used to love Survivor.

So did I.

I was never a fan of the Redemption Island twist; it detracts from the drama of Tribal Council. Plus, it eliminates the Reward Challenge. Now, on top of all of that, they have added this Blood vs. Water thing. Blah, blah, blah…

Give me the good old days where the show was about the personalities of the castaways. I need people like Richard Hatch, Russell Hantz, Coach, and Parvati, please. It doesn’t have to be THOSE people, but it has to be people like them. Someone with character and charisma. Not a broken down Gervase and doddering Tina Wesson.

For crying out loud, even Emmy award-winning host Jeff Probst is finding it difficult to stir the shit up at Tribal Council. The biggest reaction he got was Kat rolling her eyes when he said something about Laura B.

Okay, okay, I’ll stop whining. Hopefully my partner, Mary Beth isn’t as disgruntled as I am and provided you some entertainment. Don’t worry, I’m contractually obligated to complete season 27, so I will be back next week. Hopefully I will have a better attitude. But if Probst is water-skiing wearing a leather jacket, all bets are off…

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 27.2

 Mary Beth’s 2Cents

Tonight's episode of Survivor started with Marissa slowly making her way to Redemption Island. She's pissed, and rightly so. She knows that her Uncle Gervase is to blame for her being there at all. I did get a smile out of Candice telling her she was probably voted off because she called Culpepper out when he made the remark about wanting to make sure his wife had a tarp if she needed it. Not really, Candice. She was voted off because she is a girl in a world of testosterone over at Tadhana. Girls are not long for that tribe, but more on that later.

At Tadhana, on Day 4, Culpepper feels great! He's fishing and swimming and is really content knowing that the males outnumber the females, so he's not going anywhere for a while. John is conflicted and feeling some regret that he didn't switch places with Candice. He briefly feels bad but then starts flexing and the feeling goes away.

The women of Tadhana leave something to be desired and not in a good way. They just can't seem to see any further than their own noses. Their dwindling number doesn't phase them at all. They happily believe that the menfolk are being honest with them and they are some how aligned with the men. Especially Rachel who is following John around like a puppy. She does express some insight when she mentions that she thinks the others are strategizing but that thought quickly leaves her and she doesn't think about it again! One of the other women mentions, in passing, that Rachel might have an alliance with John but she forgets about that just as quickly. I tell ya, not a full brain among them!

As they all came together on Redemption Island, Marissa, still a wee bit angry, lets Gervase have it! Her Uncle is unimpressed and won't switch places with her before the challenge but, instead, tells her to “mind your business”. Her business being using a long fork to weave spools through a wire maze and then stack them on top.

Rupert, Candice and Marissa get down to that business with a vengeance. Probst spends a lot of time cajoling, cheering on and shaming both Candice (the first to win) and Rupert (a bull in a china shop). He can't hold it together and Marissa sneaks in with the second win, which subsequently sends Rupert packing and keeps Marissa in the game.

I have to say, I like this Marissa chick. She has chutzpa and she came to play. Prediction—if she can hold on and get herself back to the real game, she will do well! The winner of the challenge, Candace, gets to give anyone she wants a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. Of course, she gives it to her hubby, John. No big surprise there.

When they return to camp, the men start talking about Tyson being the strongest player on the other team. Now, I'm not sure how that happened because I remember Tyson as being pretty much a follower and not a leader at all. I don't remember him winning a lot of stuff and I do recall him making some crazy mistakes. Still, they decide if they lose the Immunity Challenge they will vote off Rachel, his girlfriend. They think he'll switch places with her leaving a hole in the Galang tribe. It is an interesting idea.

At the Immunity Challenge, where they are also playing for some cool fishing gear, there will be three people bound together who roll a barrel carrying another person to four stations where they untie a bag of balls. Then, when they get the last bag, they play a glorified version of Baggo. The first tribe that gets all 6 balls in the holes wins.

Clearly, both tribes want to win and they are literally neck and neck throughout this race. Then, just near the end, Tadhana gets a slight lead! Hayden starts tossing the balls and is making really good progress but over at Galang, Gervase is right on him! So very close, but Gervase is slow and steady and gets the win! He's also an ass and starts yelling, “That's for you, Marissa baby!!” Really? I mean…NOW he wants to honor her? Jerk…

Back at camp, no one can really be too down. Tadhana played hard and it was a clean win on Galang's part. The men start talking and the women are still not getting the fact that they are being picked off one by one. Ciera gets a shady clue when John tells her they're all voting for Rachel but he's telling Rachel to vote for Ciera. She doesn't like that her name is being played with and convinces Kate to write down John's name. Vytas is worried that John is too worried about saving Candice at Redemption Island than he is about going forward in the game with his own tribe.

At Tribal, Jeff Probst does not pull any punches. He's a master at getting right to the quick. He points out that the women are outnumbered and questions whether or not that worries them. Not surprisingly, they acknowledge they see the dwindling numbers but don't seem all that worried! They are the most sheep-like players ever! Probst also points out that John might be a target now since he has the clue for the Immunity Idol. He didn't seem to realize he had a target but looked a bit worried when he heard that! He also looked perplexed when his name got written down twice during the voting which seemed to be merely a symbolic effort on the women's part because, in the end, Rachel got voted off!

It's going to be interesting to watch these newbies. They all think they have some idea how this game is played because they've heard their loved ones talk about it but, from what I've seen so far, they are still very green and have much to learn!

Vag’s Evaluation

Okay, beginning this week, in true Survivor style, Mary Beth and I have decided to throw a twist of our own. She has probably already explained that she will be concentrating on the Tadhana (Loved Ones) Tribe, while I handle the Galang (Returning Players) Tribe. We thought it would be fun to try something new. Man, I got screwed right out of the box! Before I explain why I feel that way, let me give you my initial observations of this second episode of Survivor: Blood vs. Water.

As the show opened, the Galang Tribe was in some funky massage ritual disguised as some sort of conga line. Well, at least it was boy—girl—boy—girl. Unfortunately, that left Colton out. This would set the tone for the rest of the show, at least from the Galang perspective. Plain and simple, that boy doesn’t fit in because he doesn’t want to fit in.

My other early observation was much more positive. There is a fourth Wizard of Oz munchkin still living! That’s right, although it was believed that only Ruth Robinson Duccini, Jerry Maren and Margaret Williams Pellegrini were the only “little people” left from the 1939 classic, another has been discovered. It’s none other than Tina from the Galang tribe! Did you see her talking to Kat and Monica? She’s lucky if she’s 3-feet tall. Seriously, that woman wasn’t that diminutive when she won Survivor: Australian Outback.

Okay, with that out of the way, I had better explain why I feel that I was screwed right out of the box tonight. Initially, I was perfectly satisfied with covering the Galang Tribe. That was until the duel at Redemption Island took place.

With both tribes in attendance, Candice, Marissa and Rupert competed to see who would be the first castaway eliminated in season 27. They had to stack 10 spools using a long metal fork that had to be guided through a maze thing. The first two finishers remained on Redemption Island and the third place finisher was sent packing. As an added bonus, the winner got to choose who received a Hidden Immunity Idol clue.

Candice and Rupert jumped out to an early lead. Regrettably, the big, burly pirate’s pile toppled when he attempted to place the tenth spool on his pile. This gave Candice an easy first-place finish and allowed Marissa to hang on to see another day. Just like that, one of my all-time favorites was gone, the first to be knocked out of the game.
But at least he stayed classy to the end. When Jeff Probst asked Rupert if he now regretted having switched places with his wife Laura, he shook his head and replied, “This is a great game and I love Survivor, but I love my wife more.” That, my friends, is a real man.

The same cannot be said for Colton. What a jerk. He has not changed a lick. He is easily one of the most unlikeable competitors that I have ever witnessed on Survivor. Tired of his petulant, beeeotch-like antics, Aras declared, “Colton is a gay Russell Hantz.” I don’t know who should be more upset with that statement, gays or Russell Hantz.

The Immunity Challenge also featured a reward—fishing gear. The challenge was basically a combo of barrel rolling and skee-ball. Laura was the lady in the barrel for Galang and did an excellent job of untying the knots and grabbing the bags of balls. Once they had all the balls, Gervase dominated the skee-ball portion of the challenge. As pathetic as he was last week, he was that outstanding this week. once again, Galang was immune from going to Tribal Council.

Because Tadhana went to Tribal Council, I’m sure that Mary Beth covered those events. However, before closing, I need to pose my question of the week to all my Fellow Survivor Geeks. Why did Tyson have his arms wrapped around Aras while he was sitting behind him at the campfire? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Until next time…from the booth.

The Booth’s Best

Currently the Kenosha News is running its annual reader’s choice for the Best of Kenosha County poll. The poll include such categories as Best Pizza, Best Burgers, Best Landscaper, Best Hospital and Best Bakery to name a few. So, in that vein, I have decided to post the Booth’s Best for 2013. It’s not very scientific; it’s just that I’m kind of bored at the moment…

Best Kenosha Pizza
Sal’s
Pa’s
DeRango’s
Luigi’s
Casa Capri

Best Kenosha Alderman
Rocco LaMacchia Sr.
Patrick Juliana
Tod Ohnstad
Michael Orth
Daniel Prozanski

Best Kenosha Softball Uniforms
The 400 Club
Wizard’s
Pitts Decorating
Stanich Realty
Tirabassi’s

Best NFL Uniforms
Green Bay Packers
Oakland Raiders
Indianapolis Colts
Kansas City Chiefs
Chicago Bears


Best NFL Linebackers
Ray Nitschke
Dick Butkus
Jack Lambert
John Anderson
Lawrence Taylor

Best Green Bay Packers
Vince Lombardi
Bart Starr
Paul Hornung
Brett Favre
Aaron Rodgers

Best Milwaukee Brewers
Robin Yount
Paul Molitor
Prince Fielder
Jim Gantner
Gorman Thomas

Best Game Shows
Match Game
Family Feud
Pyramid
Password
Newlywed Game

Best TV Shows
The Wire
The Sopranos
Northern Exposure
Survivor
Leave it to Beaver

Best TV Moms
Kitty Foreman
June Cleaver
Carla Tortelli
Carol Brady
Peg Bundy

Best TV Dads
Red Foreman
Tony Soprano
Ward Cleaver
Frank Costanza
Andy Griffith

Best Survivor Castaways
Russell Hantz
Rupert Boneham
Roberta “R.C.” Amour
Oscar “Ozzy” Lusth
Colby Donaldson

Best Movies
Bang the Drum Slowly
We’re No Angels
Breakfast Club
Slap Shot
My Cousin Vinny

Best Bands
The Who
R.E.M.
Dropkick Murphys
Queen
The Rolling Stones

Best Sausages
Italian
All-Beef Hot Dog
Fresh Kielbasa
Knackwurst
Bratwurst

Best Pasta
Rigatoni
Penne
Rotini
Mostaccioli
Linguine

Best Italian Deli Meats
Sopressata
Prosciutto
Genoa salami
Capicola
Pepperoni

Okay, that’s 17 categories and the last three are about food. That’s a good sign that I should stop. Besides, now I’m bored with this. Until next time…from the booth.

Some Survivor Stuff

With Survivor: Blood vs. Water right around the corner, I thought that I would shoot out some Survivor stuff for all of my Fellow Survivor Geeks.

Survivor by the season with winners:

Season 1. Borneo – Richard Hatch

Season 2. Australian Outback – Tina Wesson

Season 3. Africa – Ethan Zohn

Season 4. Marquesas – Vecepia Towery

Season 5. Thailand – Brian Heidik

Season 6. Amazon – Jenna Morasca

Season 7. Pearl Islands – Sandra Diaz-Twine

Season 8. All-Stars – Amber Brkich

Season 9. Vantau – Chris Daughtry

Season 10. Palau – Tom Westman

Season 11. Guatemala – Danni Boatwright

Season 12. Panama – Aras Baskauskas

Season 13. Cook Islands – Yul Kwon

Season 14. Fiji – Earl Cole

Season 15. China – Todd Herzog

Season 16. Micronesia – Parvati Shallow

Season 17. Gabon – Robert “Bob” Crowley

Season 18. Tocantins – James “J.T.” Thomas, Jr.

Season 19. Samoa – Natalie White

Season 20. Heroes vs. Villains – Sandra Diaz-Twine

Season 21. Nicaragua – Jud “Fabio” Birza

Season 22. Redemption Island – Rob Mariano

Season 23. South Pacific – Sophie Clark

Season 24. One World – Kim Spradlin

Season 25. Philippines – Denise Stapley

Season 26. Caramoan – John Cochran

Season 27. Blood vs. Water – ???  

Here is a collage of 16 all-time Survivor greats. How many can you identify?

 

And finally, if Mark Burnett ever wants to cast another Survivor: All-Stars, here are my top 20 candidates:

Ladies

Roberta “R.C.” Saint-Amour

Sue Hawk

Brenda Lowe

Amanda Kimmel

Parvati Shallow

Sandra Diaz-Twine

Jerri Manthey

Jenna Morasca

Tina Wesson

Amber Brkich

Gentlemen

Richard Hatch

Colby Donaldson

Boston Rob Mariano

Rupert Boneham

Jonathan Penner

Oscar “Ozzy” Lusth

Benjamin “Coach” Wade

Russell Hantz

Phil Sheppard

Malcolm Freberg

As always, comments and opinions are always welcome! Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 26.7

Here is the Official Bodacious Baldies Survivor: Caramoan Recap for week seven:

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: To be honest, I wasn't expecting much excitement in tonight's episode of Survivor. At some point, in each season, they hit the wall and there are two or three episodes where not a whole lot of action takes place. After the Brandon Hantz meltdown it stood to reason that the next couple of shows would be snooze fests. Still, Survivor does not disappoint. Even when there is a lack of action there is always something amusing happening which is why I watch season after season.

Tonight Philip was so full of himself that he almost became a cartoon. He started out by extolling the good folks of Bikal with statements of just how physically strong he really is. He even illustrated the point by arm wrestling… Cochran? I'm no expert on arm wrestling but I think choosing the one person with absolutely no body strength at all is not the more honest way to show how strong you are. I'm pretty sure I could take Cochran in an arm wrestling match!

The display of strength sure pumped Philip up though and he was confident he would lead the tribe to victory at Reward Challenge. It was a foot race of sorts with each person carrying 20lb sand bags as they were all tethered together going in circles. When the last person standing races to the end, he or she is carrying all the weight.

Philip took the lead position after much arguing and then, once there, proceeded to poop out right away. He wasn't able to run at all so they walked helplessly behind him as he struggled. He finally just fell over leaving Mike to try to get to the end. It was a miserable failure.

Back at camp, he played it off by saying “It was just a reward!” and somehow, pathetically, they all agreed. In the meantime, Gota is enjoying a Coffee Bar with sandwiches, chocolate and cookies. Malcolm was so happy he gleefully kissed everyone in the tribe causing a slight stir of jealousy to course through me. Wait… What? Um… Where was I? Oh yes, I was appreciating the fact that tonight's episode featured a lot of Malcolm. Malcolm strategizing, Malcolm laughing, Malcolm conniving, Malcolm just being gorgeous… it was a good night.

Being the smart hottie that he is, Malcolm started looking ahead and realized that in a merge he and the other muscly men (Reynold, Eddie and Erik) would be on the outs. He enlists Reynold and gets him to join up. Reynold's is so trusting he even lets Malcolm know he has an idol. Now Malcolm is sitting pretty to run this show since he now knows where two idols are and one is in his pocket!

At Immunity Challenge, each team had to row out to retrieve a statue. They bring that back to shore and set it on a base. They then grapple hook five keys to unlock the base and pull a rope to make it rise. First to the top wins. The first part of this challenge was even Steven. It wasn't until they started grappling that things fell apart quickly with Philip being completely unable to catch a key. Gota wins immunity and Bikal is off to Tribal.

Back at Bikal, Philip keeps telling Julia he wants to take her along but cannot guarantee how far she'll go. He also tells he not to tell anyone else so she, of course, runs over to Dawn to tell her all about it and Dawn goes back to Philip immediately to rat out Julia. This, naturally, makes the Special Agent pissed so he decides Julia should go next… or maybe not. Because when he hears Corrine talking about keeping Michael he doesn't like the fact that she is having an independent thought so he goes off the deep end and excuses her from the conversation entirely. And she goes. And the others all stand there and watch. So weird.

It seems that when Philip sees they are getting out of control all he has to do is mention that he played this game with Boston Rob and they all fall back into line. Cochran fears this will all come to a head at tribal but it doesn't. Everyone plays nice. They split the vote as Philip demanded and then, after a revote, timid Julia is sent home. It's just as well. She was the most nondescript boring people to ever have played this game.

Now I'm going to watch the Walking Dead marathon. Hmm, maybe Survivor would be more exciting if every once in a while a zombie herd stomped through camp eating the brains and entrails of the weaker players. Ah, nah… I would miss Cochran. LOL!

Vag’s Evaluation: While tonight’s episode wasn’t overly spectacular, it was satisfying on several different levels. First of all, there were two challenges. This, as Mary Beth well knows, pleases me greatly. Secondly, there were a couple of decent quotes. I always love a good quote from a castaway. Next, my feelings toward two of the favorites did a complete 180° turn tonight. Didn’t see that coming. And, lastly, I finally found my “girlfriend” for this season. Hey, Mary Beth has her Malcolm…

Let’s start with the challenges. The Reward Challenge was a Survivor Classic! The members of each tribe are linked together and must carry a 20 lb. sack around a large oval track in waist high water. The tribes start directly across from each other with goal being to catch up the other tribe from behind.

Because Gota had an extra member they had to sit somebody out. They decided on the lithe Brenda. Although she didn’t actively participate in the challenge, she provided encouragement with some very animated cheerleading. I know that it inspired me. A lot.

The challenge itself wasn’t much of a contest. The misfits from Bikal were no match for the young bucks of Gota. They made short work of Special Agent Phillip’s bunch with Dawn and Andrea dropping out and Phillip collapsing right at the end.

Want to know what they were playing for?

The victorious Bikal tribe were whisked away to a coffee bar on another island that put to Starbucks® to shame. Besides various forms of java, there were brownies, cookies and numerous other sweet baked goods all being served by two lovely island girl baristas.

The reward did not impress Dawn from the losing Bikal tribe. Not in the least. When she saw the victorious Gota tribe bouncing about (led by Brenda) euphorically, she sneered, “They’re gonna get sick.” Then, with a toss of the head, she added, “It’s no big deal. It’s a diarrhea-fest.” I wasn’t exactly hankering a brownie after that.

However, at the island coffee bar, that wasn’t the case. There was much joy as the Bikal tribe dove enthusiastically into their tasty reward. It wasn’t long before all seven members of the tribe were relishing the effects of their caffeine and sugar induced buzz. In fact, Erick passed out, while Reynold squealed, “Spring break! No Parents!”

I told you there were some good quotes tonight.

The Immunity Challenge was made up of rowing, diving, and more rowing and then grappling hook tossing. Surprisingly, Gota came from behind and had a chance when it got down to the grappling hook portion of the challenge, pitting Phillip against Bikal’s Reynold. Despite a valiant effort by the Special Agent, Bikal was once again triumphant. This meant Gota would be going to Tribal Council and voting one of their tribe mates off.

After the challenge, Phillip pulls Cochran off to the side for a one-on-one clandestine meeting. Checking to make sure that nobody can here him, he tells the startled Cochran that he threw the challenge so they could vote off the innocuous Julia.

Huh?

The Special Agent took a dive to insure eliminating the weakest member of his tribe. Of course Cochran saw right through this facade and declared Phillip as fully delusional. I wasn’t quite as polite. I said he was full of shit.

It was at this point that my fondness for the amusing antics of Special Agent Phillip immediately disappeared. I mean, come on! It’s one thing if you want to believe your own bullshit, but you can’t honestly expect others to fall for it. Especially someone as intellectually gifted as Cochran. What an insult to brilliant nerds everywhere! I am now a fan of Cochran.

Yes, you heard me right, Jamie. I dig your favorite dweeb.

I am sure that Mary Beth reported that Julia was indeed voted off by the dwindling Gota tribe. I guess the Special Agent’s plan worked. (I rolled my eyes as I typed that.) They are down to five with a much-needed merge looming next week.

That’s it for this week… Oh ya, I mentioned that I had finally found a “girlfriend” for this season. It was tough, RC was a hard act to follow. Anyway, my new Survivor is the coquettish Brenda. I had been keeping an eye on her the last few weeks and the perkiness she displayed while cheering Bikal during the Reward Challenge was what did it for me. Well, that and the underwater shots of her climbing up into the boat during the Immunity Challenge. Yep, Brenda is my girl.

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 26.5

Here is the Official Bodacious Baldies Survivor: Caramoan Recap for week five:

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: Well, Holy Hotheads Batman! I hardly know where to begin with this week's recap! Tonight's episode started out pretty much like every episode – with the previous week's losing tribe returning from Tribal and venting their frustrations. Gota (the Fans) were doing just that. Then the next day they all went out and started searching for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Again, so easily found! Reynold just puts his hand in a hole in a log and voila! He's got it!

At Bikal, (the Faves) things were starting to take a weird turn. Brandon was losing his mind. He began by talking about living with passion and how his passion was his family and how he was selfish to just leave them all to come play Survivor. He asked that he be voted off next should Bikal lose the Immunity Challenge.

But wait!

The next morning, he's had time to think and tells them he is really there to play and knows he should stay! He also tells them that he was thinking of peeing in the rice and beans. Yes. Peeing. That's what he said. Cochran had this look on his face that said, “EW!” while he was telling him this. But wait! At the Reward Challenge something happens that makes his mind snap again.

In the challenge, two people have to hold a rope attached to a large net. Other people toss coconuts into those nets trying to make them drop the rope. Last person holding the rope wins reward for their camp. Brandon and Philip are the rope holders for Bikal. Michael and Matt are holding for Gota. Reynold starts targeting Brandon right away tossing coconut after coconut into his net.

Pretty soon little Brandon is shaking like a leaf until he just can't hold it anymore and BAM he's the first one down. This is the beginning of his end. The challenge goes on with Special Agent Phil being the last man standing. Bikal wins a beautiful spread of meats and veggies to barbecue.

Back at camp, everyone is talking and eating and enjoying each other's company rehashing the challenge and Brandon just sits there being pouty. He's seething with hatred for Philip but it's not really made clear why except that he feels Philip disrespected him in some way. He starts to go after Philip and Philip, to his credit, just walks away. This leaves everyone questioning Brandon's stability. Later, Brandon apologizes to Philip but Philip is now suspicious of him. Philip accepts his apology but tells him not to “bite the hand that feeds him”.

They all spend a completely cold miserable rainy night in silence.

The next day, Philip tells Andrea he wants Brandon gone. He even talks about throwing a challenge to make it so. Andrea, being an idiot who can't cover herself for any reason, lets Brandon know of it. This is when this episode reaches EPIC proportions!

Brandon goes completely apeshit. He rushes to the shelter and dumps all the rice into the sand. Then he grabs the beans and does the same. He starts to go after Philip, who again to his credit, walks off down the beach. Everyone stares at Brandon who is yelling at Philip, calling him the B-word many times and challenging him to a fight. Brandon has decided this was his way to “be the master of his own fate”! What? Yes, that's what he said.

At the Immunity Challenge, Brandon asks to speak directly to the other tribe. Probst knows good TV when he sees it so allows this. Brandon starts ranting about Philip and honesty and some other stuff that made no sense. Probst asks him to come stand next to him in order to keep him from going off on Phil.

Then Bikal does something unprecedented in Survivor history. They forfeit the challenge, giving up on a chance for Immunity, in order to get rid of Brandon. Amazing! Brandon continues ranting about Special Agent Phil, which sends Andrea into tears and makes Corrine grimace with stress. Probst finally makes Brandon leave the area by a circuitous route so he doesn't go near Phil. Gota is stunned but takes their Immunity gladly.

Before he leaves, Probst asks Brandon if this type of behavior is “in the Hantz blood”. Wait a second Jeffy. I am a HUGE Russell Hantz fan and while he was devious and a scoundrel he was also really smart. He would never have gone out like this. He would have worked his way through his tribe one person at a time and done it with all the devious class in the world.

Brandon Hantz may have the same last name but he will never be anywhere even close to the player and villain his Uncle Russell was. In fact, I imagine that somewhere Russell Hantz is wishing his nephew would stop going on TV and just leave the Hantz name to him!

Vag’s Evaluation: Well, back to only challenge this week. I’m sure that Mary Beth has already explained why. I can’t even write about the show like I usually do. This was insane. Literally. Man, what an episode. Truly unbelievable. I know that Survivor is “reality TV”. If it is reality and therefore, REAL, I am scared. Seriously. Scared for the wife of Brandon Hantz. Scared for the children of Brandon Hantz. Scared for the people who live near him in Katy, Texas. Scared for anyone who has to deal with him in any capacity. Hell, I’m scared for his uncle, Russell Hantz.

Seriously.

Brandon Hantz is bipolar. No doubt about it! Here is the Wikipedia definition:

Bipolar disorder or bipolar affective disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis for a mood disorder. Individuals with bipolar disorder experience episodes of a frenzied state known as mania (or hypomania) typically alternating with episodes of depression.

That is Brandon Hantz to a T. During the show I messaged this to my Fellow Survivor Geek Patty. She agreed and noted, “He’s a rapid cycler, too – the worst KIND!”

Rapid cycling, according to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, occurs when a person experiences four or more mood swings or episodes in a twelve-month period. Brandon Hantz had a minimum of six mood swings in tonight’s episode alone.

Seriously.

Brandon Hantz made Andrea cry several times. He made Corrine decide to throw the Immunity Challenge. And the rest of the Favorites agreed! He made Dawn quiver so badly that Jeff Probst noticed the way she was breathing in an attempt to calm herself. He had Malcolm, Erik, Brenda and Cochran shaking their heads in disbelief. The deranged look he had in his eyes while he was spewing obscenities at Phillip was scary.

Even though we were deprived of an Immunity Challenge and an actual Tribal Council, it was well worth it because it meant that Brandon Hantz was no longer a part of the show. I know that it was probably edited to make it as dramatic as possible, but come on! Probst had physically restrain Brandon Hantz from going after Phillip. There was definite rage in that man’s soul.

I apologize for not recapping the show in my typical jocular manner. Hopefully Mary Beth’s portion covered what I glossed over. I just couldn’t get into it. The way Brandon Hantz acted on a reality TV show made me realize that there are thousands of others afflicted with this disorder. My heart goes out to their loved ones. I’m just glad Brandon Hantz is gone. I don’t even want to see him on the Reunion Show.

Seriously.

On a less serious note: Next week’s recap will be the first one featuring your freshly shorn co-contributors. Hopefully there will be new graphics in honor of our baldness. Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 26.3

Here is the Official Bodacious Baldies Survivor: Caramoan Recap for week three:

Two down. After Ally's untimely demise at last week's Tribal, Gota tribe returned to camp angry and upset. Shamar began screaming and yelling at Reynold for what he thought was a master plan to get him voted out. Shamar was losing control until Sherri stepped in to try to calm him down. For some reason, Sherri seems to have a handle on this hothead and he listens to her.

What Shamar doesn't seem to have a handle on is the “outwit” part of Survivor. He quickly starts questioning his ability to play the game at all because it involves lying! Now, this I love because it happens every season. People who watch this show know there are going to be lies told yet every season there's some chucklehead on the tribe that is taken aback that lies are told. Really?

Over at Bikal, things are going along swimmingly. So much so that weird Special Agent Phil gets the chance to do a little beachside exercise training video where he does bicep curls with conch shells and lifts a log over his head. He says it keeps him fit and young and then he teaches us that none of the others can play Survivor quite like he can and he likens it to “old school basketball” ala Larry Byrd. Yeah, I know...it didn't make much sense to me either.

Corinne starts hanging around my Malcolm because no one else will really hang around her. They go off and start looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol. As usual, the idol was hidden in a place so remote and dark that it took them literally hours to find it. NO! It took them seconds. At this point the producers should just put a sign with an arrow stating, “Be sure to look in the tree!” because that's always where it is.

Who is hiding these things? Seriously! Why bother hiding the idol at all at this point. Just drop them from the sky and let them catch them as they fall. Ridiculous! Corinne better watch herself too. She started saying that she thought Malcolm was smart and referred to him, as “eye candy” and I will not have that!!

Cochran, meanwhile, was waxing lyrical on how great it was to play Survivor because being on Survivor was like watching it at 8pm on CBS every single day…except he's also in it. He also expressed that having some seriously scantily clad women walking around every day was a bonus for him because he never gets that in real life. Cochran, with his goofy sunburn (yet still the whitest man alive!), is starting to grow on me.

Andrea approaches Cochran because she is taking a page from season's past and remembers to “always be thinking”. She's decided to get in an alliance with him and Brandon Hantz. Brandon is all for it but then again paranoidally (it's a word…honest) cautious because he's been lied to before. He professes that he will reek havoc on the camp if he is lied to again by peeing in the rice and setting the camp on fire. In his words, he says, there will be “hell to pay”. Somehow, those words coming from a Hantz should sound more ominous but they're coming from teeny tiny Brandon so they kind of lose their affect.

Back at Gota, Shamar has stopped yelling but is now sulking. He says, “My happiness isn't worth a million” and starts to talk about quitting. He tells his story about how hard it's been to readjust to civilian life after two tours in Iraq and that he has had anger and alcohol issues but had gotten over that. He also says that all he does is try to be “uplifting” to people. I'm not sure I've seen the uplifting side.

Thing is, I want to be able to back Shamar and cheer him on. I think his military duties have been admirable and something to be honored. But I also think he's a major jerk. He's a loose cannon and a whiner and incredibly needy. His need for total attention is annoying and I wish he would go! In the end, he decides it would be “unloyal” of him to quit so he stays and everyone says a quiet “yay!” Everyone except Reynold who isn't buying the load of crap Shamar is selling.

At the Immunity/Reward Challenge, the teams have to swim out to a cage, untie it, drag a crate back to shore, hook pieces of a track together and push the crate to the end. If they win they Immunity and some comfort items – blankets, pillows, chairs, etc.

It's a pretty close race right from the start. Laura (who? She's on Gota) is a poor swimmer but not so bad to stand out really. Shamar gets into a scuffle about some swim goggles but it doesn't really stop the action. So neck and neck, the tribes duke it out to the end but the Faves take it and win when Brandon hooks the last piece of the track and they push their crate to victory. The Fans win something Jamie Burhani Cairo would love – a date with Jeff Probst! Hehehe…

Sherri (who? Again, at Gota...she's a bit of a player this one) masterminds a scheme to take out Hope (who?? I know...but these people are so non-descript!) She tells her alliance to split the vote between Eddy and Hope and somehow that will get Hope out. She tells Shamar to keep his trap shut and not say a word but he immediately turns around and tells Hope to save herself by voting for Eddy. Hope turns around and tells another Gota woman (I can't even remember this one's name!) who runs back to tell Sherri and the rest that Shamar blabbed.

So, as they go to Tribal it's all a mess and no one is really sure what's going to happen. At Tribal, Shamar tells Probst how misunderstood he is and how everyone lies about him all the time. Hope tells them how Shamar told her to save herself and Shamar calls her a big fat liar. He called Reynold a liar too even though he's not allowing Reynold to speak to him anymore.

The vote comes back with a three way tie because not only did Eddy and Hope gets votes, so did Shamar. So they revote…and finally it's Hope that's sent packing. Probst tells them they are dysfunctional but Sherri is sitting there with a smirk because she knows she is the Queen Bee of this island and no one else seems to realize how she's orchestrating everything right now. I'm keeping my eye on her!
 

Fellow Survivor Geek Auntie Janet was right – TOO MUCH TALKING! Each week, before I start writing my portion of the recap, I call up my Auntie Janet to get her take on went down in the episode that just ended. Invariably, at some point, she will say that there was too much talking and not enough action. And tonight she definitely spot on with that assessment.

There was absolutely no action of any kind for the first 27 minutes of the show. None whatsoever! It was right around 7:23 that I realized there would only be one challenge tonight. Ya, the dreaded Immunity/Reward Combo Challenge. I don’t know about the rest of the Fellow Survivor Geeks out there, but I always feel cheated when we only get one challenge.

Up until the Combo Challenge occurred, very little happened. Here’s my notes:

After last week’s Tribal Council, there is a whole bunch of Shamar drama at the Gota camp. Thankfully, Sherri fancies herself the Shamar Whisperer.

Over at Bikal, Corrine and Malcolm are pairing up. She digs him. They find a Hidden Immunity Idol. Mary Beth is right. Whoever is responsible for hiding those things should be fired.

Cochran said that being on Survivor is great because every day is Wednesday night on CBS. Then he added that all the women were basically walking around in their underwear and compared it to a “Freudian Picnic”.

Then Andrea talked to Brandon about wanting to eliminate Corrine. Then Brandon started talking all spastic and brought up pissing in the water and the rice and possibly burning the camp down. Ya, ya.

ZZzzz…

Honestly, that was the first 27 minutes of the hour. Talk about a snoozefest. I was greatly relieved when the Immunity/Reward Combo Challenge rolled around. The reward portion was two chairs, a couple of pillows, a blanket and a tarp.

The challenge itself was a good one. At least if we are only getting one challenge, they are making it fresh and original. This was also quite physical. It involved swimming, climbing, diving, dragging a giant chest and, finally, ring toss.

The Faves (Bikal) jumped out to any early lead because Laura from the Fans (Gota) couldn’t swim. Or lower herself to help drag the giant chest. Remarkably, when it got to the ring toss portion of the challenge, it was dead even. Pretty boys, Reynold and Eddie had their chances, but the Faves came out on top behind the tossing of Malcolm, Special Agent Phil and Brandon.

This meant that the Fans would have to send someone home. Award-winning host Jeff Probst did his usual ubiquitous job of instigating just enough arguing and backstabbing to make Tribal Council bearable. After the bickering and Shamar was done defending himself, they voted.

The first vote was three-way tie with three votes each for Shamar, Eddie and Hope. This necessitated a revote and this time Hope was voted off, leaving only Reynold and Eddie from the Pretty People Alliance.

All in all it was a pretty blasé hour with only 13 or 14 minutes of actual entertainment. Actually, there were a couple positives that I failed to mention. Try as I can, I don’t recall the insipid Erik’s name being mentioned once. Also, I think I have finally found my girlfriend for season 26 – Laura. While she is no RC and totally sucks at challenges, she is kind of cute and is starting to grow on me.

Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 26.2

Here is the Official Bodacious Baldies Survivor: Caramoan Recap for week two:

As excited as I get about the season opening episode of Survivor, I have to admit that I enjoy the second episode even more. Why, you ask? Because that’s when they start getting into the personalities of the players and let us, the viewers, start to see who these people really are. Now, tonight's episode was pretty standard Survivor fare – showing highlights from each tribe as they learn to live together and work together as a team. 

Yeah, well that didn't start out very well.

Coming back from the first Tribal Council, Brandon Hantz gets his undies all in a bundle because he thinks it was heartless to vote Francesca off first again. For some reason, he goes after Dawn for this though I seem to recall there were many other votes for Francesca, not just Dawn's. Dawn tries to explain herself but Hantz kind of blows her over.

The next thing we know, Dawn is crying because Brandon is being “mean” to her. Crying?? Really?? It's only Day Three for craps sake! There's no crying allowed! Least of all because someone is being mean to you! Hantz tries to invoke the spirit of his Uncle Russell and threatens to reek havoc on the island for some sort of avenging of the ousting of Francesca! Sheesh!

Over at Gota, Shamar is lying around doing nothing and generally annoying the others who are all doing something. He believes he's conserving his energy and his two tours in Iraq have somehow made it his right to do so. I have to confess I have a problem with Gota. I, for the life of me, cannot remember any of these non-descript players’ names. I remember Shamar and Reynolds. Then there are a lot of blonde people and some other young guy.

They are so uninteresting that even when I see their names on the screen I immediately forget them! Anyway, there's an older blonde that wants to keep Shamar around and she's got 5 other people on her side against the “pretty” foursome so it looks like they're at least trying to make it interesting.

Back at Bikal, Cochran is trying to counsel Brandon to help him be a better person. Brandon calms down and decides he can't be like his Uncle so he tells Cochran he'll be good. Is it me or does Cochran, in a very short time, look like some kind of homeless wino elf? Cochran, AKA Captain Obvious, declares that Brandon is “unpredictable”.

Speaking of unpredictable, Philip, still in his pink undies, tries to psychoanalyze Brandon telling him that he, Philip, is the CEO of the corporation and Brandon is Middle Management on a “need to know” basis. Sheesh!

At Immunity/Reward Challenge, the two tribes compete in a watery ring toss challenge where they first have to swim out to get on a raft, get towed to a pier, jump in and release some inner tubes, then get the inner tubes back by being towed to shore when a tribe mate then has to ring three posts.

It all started out pretty close but then something weird happened. No one on the Fans side could swim all of a sudden. When they got to the part to jump in and release the inner tubes no one could do it! The same blonde person kept jumping in over and over again but they could only get one tube. The Faves easily won Immunity and for reward they won fishing gear.

Afterwards, Philip started talking about how he is the leader of an organization called Stealth R Us. He gave all the other members of his alliance nicknames. They all smiled politely and nodded but I could hear their collective thought that this guy was completely crazy!

Before the Fans head off to Tribal Council, Reynold takes a look around for a hidden immunity idol. Now, in my opinion, whoever is in charge of hiding these “hidden” idols needs to fired. It's been way to easy to find these things for the past few seasons now. I swear he looked for about 30 seconds and he found the damn thing.

His joy was short lived though when one of the blondes saw him put it in his pocket. He wears these really tight cargo shorts and he either had an idol or he was happy to see her! She made this an issue at council and he was forced to reveal to the rest that he had it.

Reynold and Shamar get into it some more when Reynold's tries to point out what a lazy sack he thinks Shamar is. Shamar again tells them he's not lazy, he's a Marine and has been to Iraq! (I will never understand his logic with that excuse but there it is.) It didn't matter anyway because the non-pretty people banded together and voted out one of the pretty people leaving Reynold's to shake his head in wonder and Shamar hanging on for one more try. 

I do believe this is going to be an outstanding seasons. Man, oh man! There are already numerous alliances being formed. We have more interesting characters than you can shake a stick at. The challenges have been new and challenging. We got it all this time around. I have only two minor complaints about tonight’s show. One is that they combined the Reward and Immunity Challenges. I always feel cheated when that happens. The other was that Reynold found a Hidden Immunity Idol in less than a minute. Please. Who does he think he is, Russell Hantz?

Because Mary Beth always does such an excellent job going over the details of the episode, I thought that I would elaborate on the current alliances and some of the more entertaining personalities.

So far there are three main alliances, of which the Gota (Fans) Tribe has two – the Pretty People and the Misfits. The Pretties consist of Reynold, Eddie, Allie and Hope. The Misfits are made up of ZZ Top wannabe Matt, Michael, Julie, Sherri, Laura and 300 lb. Iraq vet Shamar.

Unfortunately for the Pretties, after Allie got voted out, they are down to only three. On the plus side, leader of the Pretty People does have the afore mentioned Hidden Immunity Idol. How much of an advantage this will be remains to be seen, because everyone at Gota knows he has it. This is due to the fact that Misfit Laura noticed the “bulge” in his pocket.

On the Bikal (Faves) side of the island there is only one alliance, but it is a doozy – Stealth R Us, Inc. headed up by Special Agent Phil. He even assigned official names. I’m not real clear on all of them, but here’s what I got:

Special Agent Phil – The Specialist
Corrine – The Dominatrix
Malcolm – The Enforcer
Cochran – Intelligence Attaché
Andrea – The Eliminator
Dawn – True Grit

Quite an impressive group and leaves only Brenda, Erik and Brandon on the outside of Stealth R Us, Inc. But truth be told, I’m not sure how long this alliance will be together. I think Special Agent Phil is the only one that is real serious about it. But it sure is amusing.

I mentioned that there are a good number of eccentric characters in season 26. Special Agent Phil heads that list. Some of the others:

Cochran – Fellow Survivor Geek Jamie’s favorite geek. He does sort of grow on you.
Shamar – the Iraq vet that is not only large, but also loud. And very obnoxious.
Matt – the tattooed and bearded one who tends to overanalyze.
Sherri – she wants to mold Shamar into her personal Special Agent Phil. Okay, let's see how that works.
Michael – I think he has been holding his flamboyance in check so far.

Last, but not least, is Brandon. Wow, where do I start? Since he was last on Survivor he has added more bad ink to his body than Dennis Rodman. Plus, it looks like he has a broken pencil sticking out of his left earlobe. That’s not the crazy part of Brandon. That would be his schizophrenic personality.

If he isn’t attacking someone viciously, he’s either crying about or talking to God. There’s no in between with this boy. As if that weren’t enough, tonight he told Erik (why is this guy a Fave) that he felt like going “Russell Hantz” on everyone. Will he morph into his evil uncle? I don’t know, but during next week’s coming attractions he was threatening to piss in the water and the rice and possibly burn the camp down. Sounds reasonable to me.

That being said, I can’t wait to see if he does! I love this show. Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor 26.1

BREAKING NEWS!!! Jamie Cairo, author of the Dr. J’s Prognosis portion of the Trilogy has just signed an obscenely large contract to be witty and snarky for a large organization that must remain unnamed. The immensity of this new undertaking will require Jamie to embark on a worldwide tour during the upcoming season of Survivor. Sadly, this will prevent her from being a regular contributor to the recap. I am, however, proud to announce that she has agreed to make an occasional guest appearance. Trust me, this came at no small cost.

Therefore, for the most part, the weekly recap for season 26 will not be a trilogy. Hopefully, between Mary Beth and myself, we will be able to fill some of the enormous void left by Jamie. So, without further ado, here is the Official Bodacious Baldies Survivor Caramoan Recap for week one:
 

 It was with much anticipation that I sat down to watch the season opening episode of Survivor. And I do mean MUCH ANTICIPATION! I've been jonesing for this show since the end of the last season. By the time Probst said, “This is the Caramoan Islands!” I was almost out of my skin. I am a geek and proud of it! So, Fans vs. Favorites started off with a bang. The Fans (The Gota Tribe) arrived to the islands by boat while the Faves (Bikal Tribe) were flown in air-conditioned helicopters to the beach.

The Fans reactions as the Faves were introduced one by one were pretty funny. When Brandon Hantz departed the chopper someone yelled out, “That's Russell's nephew!” Indeed, he is. There was a decided groan when Philip disembarked and a stunned awe when my Malcolm was the last to hit the sand. I must say he looks every bit as yummy as he did last season. Yes, I said yummy.

It was time for a Reward Challenge immediately and the two tribes were pitted against each other in a sort of flag football using an inner tube. Two member from each tribe against each other as they fight/wrestle/drag/pull or do whatever they can to get the inner tube to their tribes flag. The winner would get flint for making fire and 20 lbs. of beans.

So, there we were 15 minutes into the new season and Philip was cavorting through the challenge in his pink undies. I could have lived my whole life without seeing that again. But one thing I saw that I was both shocked and happily surprised at was Malcolm's butt! While he was playing in the challenge his shorts came off and his entire luscious bumdiddily was hanging out. Curse those censors and their blasted pixilation!!

The Faves won the challenge, no doubt spurred on by the sight of Malcolm's muscled behind and the Fans looked so dejected at their loss I almost felt sorry for them. One of the Fans, not sure of their names yet but I think his name is Lamar, stunned his team mates and Probst when he started yelling “Break her wrist!” to his teammate. It was a little weird.

He continued to be weird when he started to get very confrontational with his tribesmen that were attempting to build shelter. According to him that was a waste of time because he felt they needed to make fire and get water boiling but he didn't lift a finger to do anything. Finally, once a bunch of the others tried to make fire he stepped in and claimed that this was his plan all along. He's seems kind of a jerk and I'm not sure he's going to last that long in this game.

Over at the Bikal camp, Malcolm expressed being worried about his first impression on the others. Believe me, with that butt he has nothing to worry about! Phil equated his storming the beach at Bikal to those who stormed the beach at Iwo Jima. Um…okay…except no one's shooting at you, Phil so there is a difference!

Francesca immediately goes into overdrive to make alliances and strategize while Phil explains he's playing by the Boston Rob Rules – make an alliance, make an alliance within that alliance – so he starts recruiting alliance members too. He pretty much threatens Erik into the alliance by telling him it didn't matter either way if Erik joined. Nothing like making someone feel they're needed, Phil!

Over at Gota, people are doing their own version of strategizing. They're pairing up in twos and it seems to be based on looks and who's cooler. That night cuddling for body heat took on a whole new meaning for some, which was noted by the others. When will the Fans learn that couples are always the first to go? Especially conceited good-looking cool couples that think they're smarted and better than everyone else?

Somehow within a second of being exposed to sunlight, Cochran develops a blistering sunburn and his Hobbit feel swell up and look like yams! This doesn't deter him from making a pretty good showing in the Immunity Challenge though. Teams of two have to run up one to four flights of steps to toss down crates of sandbags. Once they're all tossed, the last person plays Baggo with them. The Faves had an amazing lead when Brandon just about flew up four flights! But dear Malcolm just could not get the bags in the holes. He did a good job but Reynold, from Gota, was a dead eye and hit the mark nearly every time. The Fans won Immunity, which meant a Fave was going home first.

Let the jockeying begin! Francesca starts telling everyone to vote off Philip but Andrea tells Philip this, which leads him to quote Machiavelli and burning down villages or some such nonsense. Gotta love that Phil is still crazy after all these years. At the last minute Francesca worries that Phil has an Immunity Idol. What? Really?? Whoa…she's paranoid! She decides to tell everyone to split the vote using Corinne as a fall back just in case ol' Phil has an idol. Seriously...she's paranoid!

At Tribal, Probst points out several times that she was the first to go on her last season. I could tell that was getting under her skin! But lo and behold, who was the first to go? Francesca! I'm not sure why everyone thought she was a threat because the truth is no one ever got to see her play at all in her first season. No one could be really sure what she was capable of and I'm not sure she wouldn't have imploded on her own eventually because of her paranoia. But, off she went, lamenting that maybe…just maybe…Survivor wasn't her game after all!
 

Wow! So much happened and it was only the first week. I have to admit; I was real pumped up at the beginning. I am such a Survivor Geek, I really am. When they were announcing the Favourites as they came out of the helicopters, I was getting goose bumps. It was like watching the opening at a major sporting event. All they needed was a spotlight and a big-voice guy on the P.A. Well, I guess Jeff Probst wasn’t too bad.

Immediately we were treated to a Reward Challenge, and I was quickly reminded how much I dislike Erik. How is that knob a Fave? The challenge was a good one, very physical and in the water. I was deeply engrossed in the action when season 26 had its first defining moment. Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm began to lose his shorts in the water. It finally got to the point where they had to blur out his derrière. I was flabbergasted!

It was at that point that I heard a loud shriek of ecstasy coming from the shore of Lake Michigan. Could it be? Was it Mary Beth? I promptly messaged Patty to see if she had heard anything. She said that she had! And she lives on the other side of the Cheddar Curtain. I do believe Mary Beth is going to enjoy this season. A lot.

The Faves were victorious and for their efforts earned fire, in the form of a flint and 20 pounds of beans. Already with the extra food! Plus both tribes had a supply of rice waiting for them back at their respective camps. Richard Hatch and Rudy Boesch never had it that good 25 seasons ago…

There are some interesting characters over on the Fans side. A clique of “cool kids” has already formed – Eddie, Hope, Reynold and Allie. Eddie made the narcissistic observation that he and Hope are the “two best looking people there”. Got much of an ego, son?

Over at the Fave camp we were being treated to the antics of Cochran the nerd and Special Agent Phil. Cochran, somehow, someway acquired an award-winning head-to-toe sunburn almost instantaneously. It was really quite impressive. Except for that huge whitehead he developed on the right side of his nose.

Special Agent Phil was entertaining just by being himself. Of course, he was proudly wearing his trademark pink Jockey briefs while talking strategy, forming alliances and assigning roles to his fellow castaways. The high point was when he referred to himself as the “undercover brother”. Man, I love this show!

The Immunity Challenge was fairly impressive and after some considerable physicality, came down to a beanbag tossing contest between Reynold and Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm. Remarkably, in a valiant come from behind effort, Reynold secured the victory for the Fans. All that was left was for the Faves to vote off someone from their tribe.

At camp before Tribal Council, we were led to believe that the enigmatic Special Agent Phil was the targeted man and would be sent packing. However, when push came to shove, it was Francesca that was voted out with by a 6-4 margin over Wisconsin’s very own Andrea.

It should be noted that in the very beginning of the show, Francesca, who was voted off the first time she was on Survivor, promised to eat a rock if it happened to her again. Unfortunately we never learned if she kept her word…

Before wrapping things up tonight, I would like to explain why we are calling this the “Official Bodacious Baldies Survivor Caramoan Recap”. While Mary Beth and I currently possess luscious, full heads of hair, that won’t be the case in another month. We are both shaving our heads to raise money to help fight childhood cancer through the St. Baldrick’s Foundation. I will be bald as of March 14 and so will Mary Beth, two days later on the 16th.

If you would like to sponsor Mary Beth, click her name. To sponsor me, click my name, Paul. It doesn’t matter who you sponsor, either way it benefits a great cause. Hey, I know, just split your donation between the two of us!

Oh, one last thing. Let’s see how smart we are. After only one week, go the poll to the right of the blog and choose whom you think will be the Sole Survivor. Come May, it will be interesting to see how many votes were cast for the eventual winner. Until next time…from the booth.

Survivor Finale and Reunion

 Mary Beth’s 2Cents on the Finale: So, at last, with the demise of the evil Abi, we find ourselves with our Final Four: Malcolm, Denise, Lisa and Skupin. It should be noted that each of these “couples” has been aligned right from the start – Malcolm with Denise and Lisa with Skupin – so it's interesting they are the ones still left standing.

Coming back to camp, they all felt the relief of having time without Abi. Skupin said it best when he equated it to “having a tumor removed”. Ha ha ha! Malcolm was lamenting the damage Abi did at Tribal Council when she pointed out that the others should start seeing him as a bigger threat. He spent some time looking cute and pouting about all the “damage control” he was now going to do. Then his eyes twinkled… Sigh…  Skupin, however, didn't seem worried because he said he had a better story than Malcolm and could probably win against him. Ah, sweet delusional Skupin!

At Reward Challenge, there was series of obstacles to be maneuvered and bags of puzzle pieces to untie with a final dragon puzzle to be done at the end. The reward was big! It was some kind of advantage in the final Immunity Challenge.

Everyone wanted this so they all got off to a fast and furious start. There wasn't a clear front-runner throughout the entire race until they got to the puzzle. Skupin, who had a slim lead in the foot race portion, completely lost his ability to think again and was sitting surrounded by his puzzle pieces with a sort of blank, brainless look. Lisa and Denise were doing great but Malcolm was faster and ultimately won! SIGH!! Could this be a premonition of things to come? I hope, I hope, I hope… 

After the challenge though, things changed. Malcolm winning was seen as a huge threat and it really didn't help that he sort of blew off Denise when she wanted reassurance that it would be the two of them at the end. I have no idea what he was thinking but he pulled a Penner and made some vague noncommittal agreement that sent Denise right into overdrive.

She started campaigning HARD to get Lisa and Skupin to vote against Malcolm. I almost hated her right then but what the heck was Malcolm thinking?? I mean, he's adorable but just wasn't using that noggin when he did that! But wait… Skupin still thought there might be some honor in taking Malcolm to the Final Three. He really believed he could beat him and that other people would see that too. Maybe this is Malcolm's lucky day? I hope, I hope, I hope…

Then comes the part of each Survivor season that I detest – the mandatory walk through the Torches of Fallen Comrades. So here's what they had to say about each one of the “comrades”:

Zane - “he gained 30 lbs. before coming here and he was insane”
Roxy – “strongest convictions”
Angie - “she was my sleeping buddy”
Russell - “he couldn't stop himself from being the leader”
Dana - “could have been competition”
Dawson - “a very lively addition to Survivor”
Katie - “potty mouth”
RC - “30 seconds into the game and she was all over it”
Jeff - “a great athlete”
Artis - “very, very loyal”
Pete - “Abi bit him in the butt in the end”
Penner - “entertainment on steroids”
Carter - “became a man out here”
Abi - “little Brazilian firecracker”

This was followed by the ceremonial, overdramatic, completely melodramatic burning of the torches as the music swelled and the cameras panned over the mountains. Sheesh! I hate that part.

Finally they were off the final Immunity Challenge. This time it was a ball balancing skill test where they had to balance a ball on the piece of wood and keep adding more length at times intervals.

Malcolm won an advantage earlier that was if he dropped his ball he got a second chance. Well, by the way his hands were shaking there were not enough chances in the world and he was the first person out – even after using his second chance.

Denise soon followed. Lisa and Skupin hung there for a long time but Lisa eventually caved and Skupin won immunity. Skupin was very proud to have beaten Malcolm.

Apparently, there is some honor to beating Malcolm, at least in Skupinland. I have to admit it was kind of nice that ol' Skupey was going to the Final Tribal Council. He last played 12 years ago and didn't make it very far because of his accident so seeing his joy at getting this far was somewhat special. Or maybe I'm just a soft touch.

Going into this last tribal before the final tribal, I honestly had no idea what was going to happen. I knew Skupin was immune. I knew Denise was scrambling and I knew Lisa was ready to take Malcolm out. Skupin spent the majority of the episode talking about winning with honor and made me feel reasonably assured that he, Lisa and Skupin would in the Final Three. So, I ask you…

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?? HOW IN THE BLUE HELL DID MALCOLM GET VOTED OUT???

I am inconsolable. I haven't been this miffed since Russell Hantz was voted out! How dare they take out my dear sweet Malcolm! I mean, sure he was a good player and made a lot of things happen and won a lot of challenges and is incredibly good looking with all that hair (perhaps Skupin is jealous?) and those twinkly eyes, but those are all the reasons he SHOULD win! Idiots, I tell ya!! I'm going to hold onto this pissoffedness until next season. This just isn't right. WRONG! Sheesh! I'm going to go lie down… Sigh…

The Booth’s Bits on the Final Tribal Council: I think I had better take over now. Mary Beth needs a to lie down and relax. With a drink. A nice, stiff drink. Besides, ever since Susan Hawk eviscerated Kelly Wiglesworth and Richard Hatch back in Season 1 on August 23, 2000, the Final Tribal Council has been one my favorite parts of Survivor.

The Final Tribal Council for season 25 started out slow and gained momentum. The opening statements were fairly mundane. Denise told everyone how wonderful she had played the game. Lisa took credit for eliminating Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm. And Skupin did not hurt himself or bleed.

The first juror to speak was Artis. He was bitter, saying the three finalists had a “holier than though” attitude and that they were hypocrites. He closed by saying “karma is a bitch”.

Carter was next and complimented Lisa and Skupin for the way they played the game. He really liked Skupin. He had nothing for Denise.

Pete didn’t really have anything for Skupin, but he did bring up Judas when going after Lisa. He asked Denise why she deserves the million dollars and she replied it was how wonderful she had played the game. Hmm, seems I had heard that before.

The next juror was the lovely RC. It was a tremendous and emotional moment. Oh, her questions were run-of-the-mill and quite forgettable, but it was a tremendous and emotional moment. For me…

Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm was obviously still pissed about being voted off. He immediately told Denise to quit nodding her head and trying to appease everyone. He was angry. She attempted to diffuse the situation by mentioning how wonderful she had played the game. Again.

Next up was Jeff. The former major league baseball player asked Skupin if he made things happen, watched things happen or wondered what just happened. He seemed satisfied that Skupin felt he made things happen. He then told Lisa she was useless and had nothing for Denise.

Maybe he didn’t want to hear how wonderful she had played the game.

Abi, the Brazilian spitfire, began her questioning by talking about herself. When she finally asked the finalists a question, it was the time-tested classic, “Tell me why you deserve the million dollars?” When Abi went after her, Denise told her she was sorry if she hurt her feelings by how wonderful she had played the game. Hmm…

The final juror stole the show. Penner rocked! His acting background was very evident. He put on quite the show. The rest of the jury broke into laughter several times during his interrogation of the finalists.

He told the story about when Denise confided in him that the one thing she never wanted to be thought of being a bitch. He paused and said that’s no longer possible, we got to see that part of you tonight!

Next he called out Skupin for saying that he was constantly “in the crosshairs” and that his “head was always on the chopping block”. He told said Skupin never received one vote to be voted off and didn’t think he would receive a vote to win the money. Skupin looked dumbfounded.

Finally, he revealed that Lisa was a teenage TV star. He thought that everyone should know. I have to report there were quizzical looks on the faces of several members of the jury. It was like, “The Facts of Life? What the hell is The Facts of Life?”

That was it for the Final Tribal Council. All that was left was for the jury to cast their vote for the Sole Survivor and winner of $1,000,000. I better let Jamie take over, Penner has me in tears. Plus, seeing RC again…

Jamie’s Prognosis on the Reunion Show: Probst walks past the sweaty, skinny survivors into the jungle… Probst walks down some stairs past clean, well-dressed survivors. You know the drill. Sitting at the fire are our three finalists: Former “Facts of Life” star Lisa Whelchel, Sex Therapist Denise Stapley and injury prone season two repeat player Michael Skupin.

OK before I go any further I am contractually obligated to state that ousted player and new BFF of Paul Vagnoni, Miss RC Saint-Amour looked stunningly beautiful. Yes PV, she truly is spectacular. And Mary Beth your boyfr… I mean Malcolm looked… kind of the same as he did in the Philippines. He’s super cute. And if I may say, Penner cleans up quite nicely. I will miss his Alan Alda voice. I liked Penner…

OK, back to the big moment. Probst quickly got down to business and I am THRILLED to report that my favorite player of this season Denise won!!!!! Yeah!!!!!!

Let’s reflect for a moment or two on her accomplishments. She started the game on a losing team whose players were picked off one by one. In spite of this, she survived.

She was very loyal to her alliances, specifically Malcolm. Well, except at the end. And she was a fierce competitor in challenges. She does make really weird faces, but this 41-year-old woman made the chicks half her age look just plain silly in challenges. She definitely deserved to win and I, for one, applaud her.

After announcing the winner, the Reunion show turned into the Lisa Whelchel show. Don’t get me wrong. I like Lisa. She seems to be genuinely sweet and good natured and well meaning and all but she does go on and on sometimes.

With only a limited amount of time for the other Survivors to get their last few moments on TV, I’m sure they did not appreciate her discussion of why God does not care about who wins Survivor. Not that I didn’t agree with her assessment, but Lisa does know how to work the camera to her advantage.

And then there was the recap of her emotional reunion with her brother. I’m sorry, but that was weird the first time and even more strange the second time. If I latched on to my brother like that on TV he would have pinched me and told me to get a grip!! Lisa was voted the fan favorite, and in spite of all her schmaltz, I do think she deserved the honor.

I think we were all waiting for a little more fireworks from the detestable Crabi… I mean Abi. Big let down. She acted almost human and claimed that she was sorry for being a big jerk on the show. This was followed by RC and Pete having a little 20-second tiff about Abi and that was about it.

I really think that Probst could do more to stir up some trouble on these reunion shows. I mean there has to be bad feelings aplenty and what better time to let that fly? That would make things a little more interesting. All of the loser survivors booted off early were able to get in their one line, but really they were long forgotten. I couldn’t even remember who Dana was, to be honest.

The one Survivor who made sure she got her moment was Dawson, who ran out onto the stage and literally threw herself at Jeff Probst, locking him in an uncomfortable kiss. Awkward, especially when he then said that she wasn’t half as good of a kisser as his wife. Ouch!!

I thought it was very nice that Probst held a moment of silence for the victims of the shooting in Connecticut this weekend.

And now looking forward to the next season. It will be a fans versus favorites show, which is always fun. Who knows?  Maybe Paul’s girlfr… I mean friend RC or Mary Beth’s boyfr… oh; I mean Malcolm will be surprise players!! Maybe RC will wear the Santa hat that Paul gave her. Maybe instead of buffs the teams will all start to wear Santa hats with their bikini’s and underwear. Maybe they could do a season in the North Pole and that brings me to a question that has been bothering me of late. If this is truly “Survivor”, why don’t they try to survive in other climates?  Survivor Iceland perhaps? I’m sending it in as a suggestion!

Until next season… from the booth.