Here’s the Official Survivor: One World Recap Trilogy (well almost) for week two:
I was going to write something about Colton today. I was going to try to be all clever and snarky about how he is a man without a tribe and how he really needs to grow a pair and get in this game.
Then I thought maybe I would skip that and write about the women on this season and how they don't seem to have one good brain between the lot of them. I was going to say something about how I work with almost exclusively women and we have to rely on each other as a team and I've never seen this level of bitchy ineptitude in my life.
I scrapped all of those ideas and made a decision to focus on the challenge and Tribal Council. I suspected the women would be there at Tribal so I figured I could save some of my most biting remarks for that.
Yep, that was the plan – write about Tribal Council.
But then something absolutely horrific happened. It was brief (no pun intended). It was only on screen for maybe 2 minutes tops. But the horrible sight is now forever etched in my brain. It was...
Tarzan dancing around the fire in his bikini underpants. YIKES!!!
First of all, the man resembles a very hairy Dr. Ruth Westheimer - without her sense of rhythm. I have only seen legs that bowed on a sway back horse my Uncle Leo used to own.
And the undies themselves…were they grey? Oh dear lord I hope they were grey and that wasn't just filth. Stuff was hanging out and waggling about that just shouldn't have been and, honestly, I was so horrified that the rest of the show was something of a blur! I'm sure I will have nightmares tonight.
Oh yes, the women lost the challenge because they can't seem to do much of anything that requires thinking. Tribal was the usual cat fight, as expected. But, man oh man; I can't wash that scary image of that hairy, woefully underdressed Neanderthal stomping around the open fire as his Tribe mates chanted his name. Make it go way! Please make it go away!!
Wow, I’m at a loss for words. What did I just witness? I went from uncomfortable to titillated, back to uncomfortable and finally, disappointed. I have to break my portion of the recap into sections: Tarzan’s Junk on Display, a Special Challenge Spoiled and a Tribal Council Rerun.
The first time I became uncomfortable tonight was when we were presented with a fairly good view of Tarzan’s 64-year old “junk”. Or, as Fellow Survivor Geek Patty 4-Names messaged me on facebook, “YOU COULD TOTALLY SEE THAT GUY’S PENIS THROUGH HIS UNDERPANTS!”
Ya, it was pretty much that obvious. Tarzan’s dirty blue skimpy underpants brought back awkward memories of season 22 and Special Agent Phil’s pink drawers.
To make matters worse, the Tarzan show wasn’t limited to him just walking around camp flaunting his package. No sir, he began dancing! At first it was a slow circular gyrating motion, but it quickly progressed into a full-blown Wango-Tango with the rest of the guys chanting, “Tarzan, Tarzan!”
Just when I thought I was scarred for life, I was treated to a visually “stimulating” Immunity Challenge. The members of each tribe had to stand side by side on a narrow balance beam above the water. One by one, the person on the end had to cross the balance beam to the other end, groping and grinding against their tribe mates.
Watching the dim-witted Kat struggling to get by Alicia’s “big old boobs”, I was happy. I thought to myself, this was going to be good! Hell, this had the potential for greatness.
Then it happened.
Suddenly a high-pitched voice shrieked, “Hold me! Hold me!” Which was followed by, “Wrap your arms around me!” No, it wasn’t Kat, Alicia, Kim, Chelsea, Christina, Sabrina or even Nina.
It was that damn Colton…
Seeing Colton’s effeminate little body wrapped around the beef cakeyness (thanks Mary Beth) of Matt did it for me. My brief moment of titillation instantly reverted to that creepy uncomfortable feeling that Tarzan had provided me with earlier.
Talk about a buzz kill. Thanks Colton…
From that point on, it was strictly downhill. The men from Manono dominated the challenge, sending the Salani ladies to Tribal Council. When the 51-year old Nina starting yapping about the tribe’s lack of communication, it was a foregone conclusion that she was being sent packing.
Oh sure, producer Mark Burnett tried to make you believe that there was an outside chance that the pea-brained Kat might be voted off, but I knew better. Been there, done that. It happens all too often.
Emmy award-winning host, Jeff Probst did his best to make Tribal Council interesting, but like I said, it was a fete de complete. Kat cried a little bit and then Nina was told, “The tribe has spoken”. No drama whatsoever.
Due to scheduling and technical difficulties, Jamie was not able to provide her witty repartee tonight. The From The Booth staff is making every effort to provide you with her portion of the recap before next week’s episode. Please accept my apology.
Until next time…from the booth.