Sunday, May 22, 2011

Arno Was On Fire!

On what was a steamy and humid day, I thought that it would be nice to treat you to another tale of the Koos Inc. icon, Arno Schubert. To help jog your memory, here’s the quick thumbnail sketch of Mr. Schubert. As I wrote previously in “Arno: A Koos Legend”, he was a cantankerous old German who weighed in at about 230 pounds and stood 6’2”. His unkept hair was reddish-brown as was his scraggly beard and uneven moustache.

The man was legendary at Koos and stories of this unbelievable man have become quite popular on this blog. I have been waiting for just the right time to share this particular memory. The hot weather we are experiencing made it the perfect time because this Arno Anecdote is hot. In fact, he was on fire!

In the blog, “My First Labor Day”, I mentioned that Koos Inc. featured no running water. Most guys simply stepped to the nearest open dock door to relieve themselves. If you wanted to use an actual restroom you had to maneuver through the entire plant, walk down a long flight of stairs and go outside across the yard to the “Jap Shack”.

The reason there was no running water in the antiquated structure was because at that time there was, for the most part, no heat. There were only two areas in the old building that had any heat – the shipping dock office and a small room that housed a Hayssen packaging machine.

Unless you were operating the Hayssen machine or were going through orders in the shipping dock office, you had to deal with the temperature. If it was 10° outside, it wasn’t any warmer inside, so you dressed accordingly. Layer upon layer of coveralls, heavy sweatshirts, flannels and parkas, along with heavy boots were the necessary attire. Anything to stay warm.

Needless to say, the crew at Koos Inc. was a sight to behold during the winter of 1975. But no individual was more colorful than that crusty Kraut, Arno Schubert. Topping a multitude of layers was his trademark bulky, cream-colored turtleneck sweater that had weird brown stains all over it. Completing the resplendent ensemble was a bright orange snowmobile suit that had seen better days.

Due to the lack of heat in the rest of the plant, the shipping dock office and Hayssen machine room were very desirable places to be. On especially bitter days, guys would find any excuse they could to spend time in either place.

Because it was slightly larger, the shipping dock office was the popular place to go to get warm, particularly at break time. The body heat generated by six or seven people jammed in the small office during a ten-minute break often made it feel hot. In fact, one time it was so hot that Arno was on fire! 


Perhaps I should explain what led to this combustible situation. On this particular afternoon, the temperature was below 0°, so there was a mad dash to the shipping dock office for two o’clock break.

Included were such Koos luminaries as Munk Ekern, Jim Weber, Danny Fliess, Chuck Huck, Harry Leipzig, Butch Krienke, myself and of course, the irascible Arno. Except for Huck, we were all rather large men so the quarters were more cramped than usual and therefore very warm. 

But that wasn’t why Arno was on fire.

Because it got so cold inside Koos, often times the forklifts were difficult to get started. It was common practice to spray starting fluid into the forklift’s carburetor, especially in the morning. A few squirts and the forklift would typically start right up. 

Very flammable stuff that starting fluid. It should be, it had ether in it. Did I mention that the cans of starting fluid were stored in the shipping dock office? Well they were. 

So on this bitterly cold day there were eight large bundled up human beings, five of whom were smoking, crammed in a six-foot by twelve-foot room when Arno decided to have some fun with the starting fluid.

Hey, I never said Arno was a rocket scientist.

To entertain himself, the foul-mouthed German sprayed a small amount of starting fluid on the arm of Chuck Huck’s jacket and lit it with his cigarette lighter, producing a small blue flame. Chuck slapped the flame out and asked Arno if he was out of his mind.

Silly question, Chuck.

Arno continued playing his little game of pyrotechnics getting similar responses. While most of us were getting annoyed with Arno’s antics, Danny Fliess was up to some no good of his own. As Emeril Lagasse used to say, Danny “kicked it up a notch”.

Danny was soaking the leg of Arno’s bright orange snowmobile suit. When I say soak, I mean he was marinating it. Everybody except Arno was aware of what was going on. He was oblivious to Danny’s incendiary chicanery.
When he had sufficiently doused Arno with the combustible liquid, he signaled to the rest of us to head for the door of the office. As we scrambled to get out of harm’s way, Danny tossed a match onto Arno.

The startled Arno’s snowmobile suit burst into brilliant flames. Arno was on fire!

The rest of us stood outside of the shipping dock office with our mouths open, not quite believing what had just happened. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or just get the hell out of there. But I wasn’t leaving until I saw what the fiery Arno was going to do.

Did he rush out of the office, drop to the warehouse floor and roll in an attempt to extinguish the blaze? Nope. What took place next was arguably the stupidest thing I had witnessed in my eighteen years of existence.

Rather than try to put out the flames that were engulfing him, Arno ran after Danny with a can of starting fluid while cursing at the top of his lungs. Using his lighter to ignite it, he was utilizing the can like a small flamethrower. Remember, Arno was immersed in a fireball while doing this insane, not to mention hazardous, act.

Did I mention that I never said Arno was a rocket scientist? Well, he wasn’t, but that’s what makes reminiscing about him so much fun. This really did happen. Honest.

I hope that you enjoyed this Arno Anecdote. If you would like to read more about Arno Schubert and his hijinks, click on either Arno or Schubert in the Labels section below this blog.

Until next time…from the booth.


Anonymous said...

I thought this was going to be about Arno Schwarzenegger. My new e-mail address is in heaven, as I was raptured last night around 6PM. Wait, maybe I was plowed on Cow last night at 6PM. Yeah, that's probably it. Man, can't they make a lite version of this stuff? I'm blowing up like a zepplin.
Kool Papa

Randy lain said...

Absolutely hilarious, I had not remembered this story, how I don't know. I can picture the whole scene in my head, heavy, heavy laughter. Thanks for sharing,Paul

Paul E. Vagnoni said...

There was nobody, and I mean NOBODY, like Arno Schubert. Unless you have met him in person, you probably think this stuff is made up. Randy, we know better! :)

Randy Lain said...

Yes Paul, and unless you met him you don't understand how funny he was. I have met noone comparable, and I've had quite a few jobs/experiences.

Paul E. Vagnoni said...

Randy, what word did Arno use when he was trying not to swear? I seem to remember that he always used a certain word, but I cannot think of it…

sue said...

Ha ha - can just imagine the sight - just one thing - how did he put it out ? Or was you running so fast that you did not see ?

Paul E. Vagnoni said...

I'm not sure, Sue. I think he finally decided to slap it out with his hands. It was a sight!

RANDY LAIN said...

I can't remember him trying not to swear, he could not complete a short w'out at least 2 f-bomb's or cs bombs, or mf bombs, lol

Paul E. Vagnoni said...

Very true, Randy. He loved words that contained the letter "k".

Randy lain said...

And the funny part... he would slur his S's, just for that little extra. I remember the time we all came to my house to play cards after work and Terry came home from a late 2nd dhift, and Arno says... What the F is Shlshee doin here?

Paul E. Vagnoni said...

OMG! The "lisp" definitely made his vulgar vocabulary even funnier. I think my personal favorite was - "You motherf*ckin' stupid c*cksucker!" He made cursing an art form, no doubt about it…