Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Survivor 25.12

The Official Survivor: Philippines Recap Trilogy for week twelve:

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: Tonight was Family Night on Survivor. It was the annual show where the contestant's loved ones come to the island. Denise's hubby showed up. So did Skupin's son – little Skupin. Lisa had her baby brother along for the ride. Carter's mom, who looked like Carter in drag was there. Abi's very confused non-English speaking mom was there too. And Malcolm's brother Miles showed up as well. Oh the hair! Two more wavy headed types I have never seen! All that thick beautiful long hair. Sigh… 

All of the Survivors showed the appropriate amount of emotion except for Lisa and Abi. Lisa almost had a nervous breakdown when she saw her brother. I haven't heard sobbing like that since my dog ate the head off of my Malibu Barbie when I was little. Abi, on the other hand, seemed almost annoyed that her mother showed up. Sheesh!

Right away the loved ones were thrown into the Reward Challenge – the reward being the winner gets to spend the night at camp with their loved one. This challenge was something else. The Survivor was throwing something… What? Cow pies? They honestly looked like cow pies! Their loved ones had to catch them and throw them to knock these little posts down.

I almost felt sorry for Abi's mom. First of all, she was a good 20 years older than anyone else there. Second, she arrived in her best little sundress. Third, she looked like she wanted to be anywhere but there getting pelted with cow pies! I think she actually ducked a couple of times.

Malcolm and his brother won. Probst let Malcolm choose one more Survivor to have their loved one at camp and he chose Lisa. Then Probst gave him one more and he chose Skupin. So they all went back to camp.

I was really touched by Lisa's reaction to seeing her brother. I was “feeling” it, if you know what I mean. But then her little brother did something that instantly put him on my Short List. He reminded Lisa that this was a game of deception and wondered aloud why she wasn't working harder to get rid of Malcolm! How'd you like them apples? Malcolm is the reason she got to spend time with her bratty brother and now he was plotting against my boyfri… Malcolm! GRRRRRRR!!!

At some point in the evening, Malcolm observes Skupin and little Skupin and Lisa and Brat Boy all yukking it up and realizes that maybe he made a mistake by letting them stay. See, Peever? Under all that hair, beneath those twinkly eyes… he does have deep thoughts! So there! Lisa leads the Skupins and Brat  Boy in a prayer that goes something like this:

“Dear Lord, bless Malcolm for choosing us to be together again and please Lord help us get his brawny self voted out. But if that's not what you want, Lord, we're okay with it. But we hope it's what you want. Because it would be really cool if he was gone. Amen.”

Or words to that effect.

I was going to recap the Immunity Challenge but I was having technical difficulties. Technical meaning my cat decided the notebook and pen I was using was extremely interesting so he would not allow me to even attempt to write anything. Anyway, after I wrestled the pen out of his teeth this is pretty much what the challenge was – walk a balance beam in water, retrieve three bags of sticks, swim back to show, make a long pole, and poke a target with it.

Everyone was playing full out with even Lisa making a great effort. Then, suddenly, Abi had some kind of brain fart and just slowed way down. Probst was aghast, I tell ya! Anyway, it didn't matter because – TADAH! - Malcolm won Immunity! Take that Lisa Whelchel you big doo-doo head! YAY Malcolm!!

Before Tribal Council, Abi, who was one of two people who needed to worry about getting voted out, had another brain fart and decided to irritate the crap outta everyone once again. But it was all for naught because, true to Survivor fashion, they never vote out the evil whiners. No, they voted out Carter because he was actually more of a threat.

Carter seemed suitably upset at having been ousted. I could tell this because when he gets upset or tense his mouth gets really, really tiny and by the end of the episode it was about the size of a pea! Abi still thinks she's fooling everyone with her “I have the fourth idol!” ruse but none of the others are buying it. The good news? Malcolm, who DOES have an idol, is guaranteed to be around for the Final Four!! YAY Malcolm!!

Jamie’s Prognosis: Well my friends I did survive my Island Survivor adventure. I am sorry to report that I did not win a million dollars, but I did return home with a nice tan, some seashells and a tee shirt. And I learned a few things. People… people… this is a SOCIAL game!! And there is one Survivor Philippines contestant who just does not get this point. And that is Abi or, as Paul likes to call her; rat girl. With good reason. She really does look like a rat on night cam. Freaky.

So this week was the family reunion show and I felt totally mislead. Last week’s “preview” indicated that Malcolm’s brother was going to be some sort of a dickhead and quite honestly, aside from the obnoxious hairdo, he was just a regular… guy. That was needless false advertising.

SO there was senior Skupin and junior Skupin. Their tender reunion caused heartless Abi to almost feel something. Carter was reunited with his mom who is clearly younger than me which made me feel… old. Denise was reunited with her man and quickly wrapped herself around him pretzel style in a way that I could never do which made me feel… old and unlimber.

Lisa’s SO was her brother Justice, who called her “Sister” and had an overly dramatic bro-sis reunion with her. Lisa is just so over the top for me!! I want to root for her but then she says something silly like “God is bigger than a football team” and I lose the connection.

Abi’s mom showed up on the beach and she was confused because she doesn’t speak English and if you don’t speak zee English everything is just super confusing. And then there was Malcolm and his brother Miles, who aside from his crazy island pattern shorts seemed fairly normal to me. 

The Malcolm brothers won the reward challenge that involved knocking wooden pegs off of round platforms with mud balls. The reward? They got to spend the night with their smelly family members at camp. Some reward. There wasn’t even any basket of food to make their stay welcome.

The Skupins and Whelchels quickly bonded in prayer. Lisa’s brother brought confused, befuddled and foggy Lisa back to reality as in LISA THIS IS REALITY TV QUIT ACTING LIKE A NUN AND PLAY THE FREAKING GAME! She suddenly realized that Mary Beth’s boy toy… I mean Malcolm, should go next.

On to the Immunity Challenge. I will spare you the details except to say it involved water, sunken pieces of wood and the need to build a giant pole to knock a target blah blah blah… Abi just sucked at this challenge. She is a terrible person AND a terrible player.

Malcolm won Immunity. So it looked like it would be between awful Abi and the noble Carter, whom everyone likes. And for a few minutes it looked like nobility would win out over beeotchiness. But this is REALITY TV and so, at Tribal Council, even though Abi continued to be the yucky person that she really is, poor Carter was eliminated. Who knows?  Maybe this icky woman will win the whole thing?

On a positive note, RC was wearing what looked to be a negligee for tonight’s jury appearance, making me think that up on the northside there was one happy man watchin’ TV!

The Booth’s Bits: Tonight’s episode started out with the time-tested favorite, the Loved Ones Reward Challenge. I always find it interesting to see who the castaways’ loved ones are. Here’s what we had for season 25:

Skupin – his oldest son, who turned out to be a bleeder just like dear old dad.
Carter – his mom, who was kind of hot. Hey, I’m 55, okay!?!
Lisa – her younger brother. Yet another reason for her to sob uncontrollably. Like she really needed one.
Denise – “her man”, who appears to have been away from the sun longer than away from his wife.
Scabby – her mom, who couldn’t speak English, making her nicer than her daughter.
Malcolm – his brother, who was, as Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm called him, a knucklehead.

As is the tradition, the winner got to take his loved one back to camp for an over-nighter. Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm and his knuckleheaded brother won the challenge. Probst allowed him to pick another castaway and he chose Lisa and her kid brother.

Out of the blue, Skupin shouted out, “Ask for one more!” So Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm did. And Probst said okay and of course Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm chose Skupin and Skupin Jr.

Upon returning to camp, to show Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm how much they appreciated his kindness, Lisa and Skupin immediately plotted to blindside their benefactor. Okay, maybe it wasn’t immediately. First Lisa cried for a while and the elder Skupin got his son to bleed. Then they schemed.

To their credit, Lisa, Skupin and their loved ones had a prayer session before deciding to go all Judas Iscariot on Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm. Here I thought that WWJD stood for “What Would Jesus Do?” not “What Would Judas Do?” See what you can learn watching Survivor?

Before breaking up their Blindside/Hallelujah meeting, the God Squad did come up with an amusing observation. Skupin said, “If Jesus Christ played Survivor he would look like Malcolm.” Lisa quickly added, “And play like Carter.” Those God Squadders can be kooks!

Unfortunately, Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm had other plans and won the Immunity Challenge. This prompted Lisa to look toward the heavens, shake her fist and cry out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Well, not really. But she was pissed in a very righteous way.

Back at camp the God Squad had to decide whether to vote out. I think Lisa referred to it as “God’s Plan”. Would it be Scabby, whom everybody has loathed since day one or would it be Carter, who is good-natured, works hard and is quite loveable? What Would Judas Do?

You guessed it, they sent Carter packing. I just wish he would have said dude or gnarly at least once…

I must be brutally honest with you. I was not at all disappointed when the Moral Majority ousted Carter rather than Scabby. While she is despicable, reprehensible, odious and vile, Scabby does look very nice walking down the beach away from the camera. Not as outstanding as RC mind you, but pretty darn good.

Scabby (Abi) Showing Her Maturity
Here are my latest “How I Want Them To Finish” rankings:

1. Malcolm (Mary Beth’s boyfr…)
2. Skupin (Trained his oldest son to be a bleeder)
3. Denise (Dwarf sex therapist with albino husband)
4. Scabby (That derrière is moving her up in the rankings)
5. Lisa (Is she still around just to annoy us?)

Only one Wednesday left. Then it’s time for the big Sunday night finale and the big Reunion Show. I can’t wait for that. Until next time…from the booth.

No comments: