The Official Survivor: Philippines Recap Trilogy for week thirteen:
Mary Beth’s 2Cents: Allow me, if you will, to use this second to the last 2Cents portion of the Survivor recap blog to talk about my favorite subject – Malcolm. In Survivor terms, it would be difficult to find a more capable and deserving guy to win than my Malcolm. He has had what it takes right from the start. He's good looking. That goes without saying but I'll say it again… he's good looking. He has a carefree Orlando Bloom quality about him. He's just shaggy enough so you know he's been on Survivor for 30-some days but not so shaggy that you can smell him from the screen, if you know what I mean.
He's athletic. He handily wins both reward and Immunity challenges regularly. He's nice. There's really no one in the game who hates him. Some might be miffed because he orchestrated their departure but hate him? Nah. Most importantly, he's smart and understands this game. Case in point – at the last Tribal Council, Lisa said she would take someone she knew she could beat to the end. This was not lost on Malcolm and he's keeping a close eye on Ms. Whelchel. He listens with his cute little ears and sees with his baby blue… oh sorry.
At Reward Challenge, after running up and over a ladder thing and out into the ocean to untie knots to release some rings and then running back to toss them onto some pegs, Skupin won and got to choose two others to go whale watching with him. Who was the first person he chose? Why, it was Malcolm, naturally! I mean, who wouldn't want to spend the day on the ocean with Malcolm? He also chose Lisa, which gave Abi a chance to have a little hissy fit about being left out again.
On the boat, Malcolm takes the opportunity to express how much he loves Skupin and Lisa and wants them to agree to be the final three. They do. For the time being. The best part of the whale watching was the shear awe with which Malcolm described the whole event and the fun giggle he had when Skupin, being a klutz, swam head first into the whale! But Malcolm was in his element – on a boat, sun glistening off his chiseled chest, wind blowing through his long silky… oh… sorry.
Back at camp, the topic at hand was… you guessed it! Malcolm! Abi tried her evil best to remind Denise how unimportant she really was to the other three. I'm not sure how that was supposed to make Denise side with Abi but Abi did say that no one is going to be able to beat Malcolm. I kind of think she's right.
Denise has a bad case of Malcolm-love too, so she just rolled her eyes and wouldn't listen to the nonsense Abi was selling. That's because Malcolm is worthy. He's someone you can trust. He has those broad shoulders for leaning on when you're… oh… never mind… sorry.
The next morning, Denise woke up with some kind of nasty bite on her neck. I think it was from Abi. She was getting Denise back for not listening to her. If they had checked the fang marks I'm sure they would have had a match!
At Immunity Challenge, they had to cross a rope using planks and picking up maze pieces along the way. Malcolm was way ahead when, horror of horrors, he fell! Poor thing had to go all the way to the beginning and start over. But Malcolm is one of those superhuman kind of beings and he whizzed back and quickly took the lead again. Of course, he won!
Now, as he said, he was doubly protected because not only did he win Immunity, he already had the Hidden Immunity Idol. That's my Malcolm! He's strong and energetic. He's focused and doesn't let things like falling get to him. He's sturdy and kind and honest and stalwart and… yipes… there I go again… sorry.
Afterwards, they all sat around the fire while Abi tried to sway Lisa and Skupin to keep her around. Skupin, without even doing anything, almost gets taken out by something that explodes in the fire. The man is a walking accident, I swear!
Malcolm is a hot topic for everyone but Denise. She's devoted to Malcolm and there is no question she will vote with him till the end. Lisa and Skupin, however, waffle back and forth about getting rid of Malcolm. Survivor is the only game where someone can actually argue their “worth” by admitting they're a terrible person whom no one likes and who will never get a single jury vote!
At Tribal, Malcolm listens closely as Abi tried to throw Denise under the bus. Lisa belched out some words of “strategy” that, I could tell, made Malcolm think too. It almost seemed as if Abi might have made her point, but then she turned around and started calling Skupin an “idiot” and a “moron”.
She was never more unlikeable than at that moment and those words sealed her fate. Adios, muchacha! Don't let the door hit you in your big Brazilian butt (as she called it) on the way out! It was at this point that I got up and danced around my living room. Abi is gone. Good guys go to the end. And Malcolm is still there, smiling through all that tanned skin, with those blue twinkly eyes and Hollywood good looks and… oh… geez… sorry! See you next time!
Jamie’s Prognosis: In the world of a narcissist, there is a general lack of empathy for others. A narcissist is arrogant, cocky, self centered, manipulative and demanding. It’s all about me, me, me… and on Survivor tonight it was alllll about Abi But let’s talk about more important things first.
This week Paul Vagnoni became personally acquainted with his season favorite, former Survivor contestant and current jury member RC St. Amour. He did so by adorning her cheetah print bikini clad body with a Santa hat and placing it on her facebook page, to which she replied, “Hahaha-LOVE IT!!!! Can I use it?” To which he replied “Of course. I would be honored.” And thus their relationship was born.
Would he have put a Santa hat on “Scabby” given the opportunity? I think not! Once again this week Abi was being an abihole. She continued to push her fabtasy immunity idol story, which no one was buying. She decided it was time to up her strabigizing by playing Lisa against Denise. It is often hard to pinpoint which wind Lisa is blowing in on, but tonight she was keeping her enemies close and her Abi’s closer, which is not easy to do with someone who is so abnoxious.
The reward for tonight’s first challenge was pizza and whale shark watching. I had never even heard of a whale shark before, and I was OK with that. As if a whale alone and a shark alone are not good enough, there is a combination?? Sorry people, but you wouldn’t find me swimming around with one of those.
I hope Mary Beth or Paul describes the actual challenge because I wandered into the kitchen to get a drink. I know it involved a ring toss. And I know that Skupin won. He got to choose two people to come with him and he selected Malcolm and Lisa. Abi, who was majorly abnoyed, rolled her eyes and said, “I guess my vote doesn’t mean anything”.
The three rewardees looked like they were having a wonderful day at sea, eating pizza and cookies. Skupin had sugar for the first time in 30 years and had a crackhead-like reaction to it that was quite amusing. I wish I had sugar highs like that, it looked like fun, but the thought of giving up all sugar for 30 years makes me shudder. How does one not go postal?
The fancy editing made it look like Malcolm might turn on my girl Denise and I was not happy. Traitor!!!! Back at Camp Dangrayne, Denise was in Abi hell, also known as the abibyss, and had to pretend that she enjoyed this horrible persons company. She paid the price for being nice.
The next morning Denise woke up with severe pain in her neck and fang marks from some mean spirited sharp-toothed animal that clearly wants her gone. The others quickly laid their somewhat sincere healing hands on her in prayer, but Godless Abi just pretended to pray while REALLY expressing her true feelings to the camera that if tragedy were to befall Denise it could work to her benefit. Abihorrant!! She will grab at any abitunity to win.
The immunity challenge required survivors to climb across unsteady rope ladders and put together a puzzle. In an AMAZING comeback, Malcolm fell off the ladder early but STILL came from behind to narrowly beat Denise for the win.
It looked like maybe Denise was in trouble, but my fears were for naught. Our little Latina put her abittating personality into high gear at tribal council and shot any chance she had of staying in the game to hell by calling Skupin an idiot once and a moron twice. He was Skupified, and everyone else had just had enough of her. Penner subtly (not) flipped her the bird. Even if it might have been better game play to take her to the end, Abi was abjected from the game. She will NOT be missed and I especially loved the gleeful skipping and celebrating of the others as they headed back to camp without her.
Abdieu… Abdios… sorry you had to “abdicate” your precarious position.
Unfortunately the Abster will be on the jury, so we haven’t heard the last from her yet.
The Booth’s Bits: I can’t believe that was the final Wednesday episode for the Silver Anniversary episode of Survivor! 25 seasons is mind blowing. Wow! And I have watched all 355 episodes. Not only have I not missed a show, this marks the ninth season that I have written a recap blog. I know… get a life, Vagnoni. But I’m not the only one! Fellow Survivor Geeks, Jamie and Mary Beth have joined me for the last three. So there.
Speaking of Jamie and Mary Beth… By now I know them well enough that I am pretty sure that they have already described what happened on this evenings show. I am positive it was hilarious. It always is.
So rather than rehash what went on tonight, I have decided to look ahead to the Finale on Sunday night. However, in order to look ahead, I had to take a look back. On October 31, devastated by the untimely ousting of my dear RC, I wrote the following:
“Okay, that’s better. Rather than discuss the heartbreaking trivialities that occurred during this evening’s tear-jerking program, I shall rank the ten remaining scoundrels. Please keep in mind that this is how I want them to finish, not how I think it will end up. Not that it really matters, they are all jerks…”
Of those ten scoundrels, four made the final four, Lisa, Skupin, Malcolm and Denise. Here, with a smarmy comment for each, is where I ranked them seven episodes ago:
8. Lisa - I’ve had just about enough of Blair. I just wish that they had HD television during her Facts of Life days rather than now. The woman looks like she is perpetually crying.
5. Skupin - should just get out of there before he hurts himself. He’s living on borrowed time. It’s blowing my mind that he has gone two consecutive episodes without opening a gash on his body.
4. Denise – I could almost root for her. She is smart, extremely athletic and understands the social aspect of the game. Her only drawback is the way she contorts her face while she nods knowingly at Tribal Council.
2. Malcolm – this hunky oaf is a super-sized version of Ozzy. Sure he’s probably the best competitor on the island, I get that. But come on, Lisa “got any Visine?” Whelchel found his Hidden Immunity Idol while rummaging through his drawers.
Since then, some things have changed, but for the most part, they have not. Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm remains hunky and is the best competitor left. Denise is still a dynamo that makes weird faces at every Tribal Council. Skupin briefly stopped getting hurt, but got backed into the swing of things tonight when he got head-butted by a whale shark. Lisa continues to nauseate.
I guess some things never change.
With that in mind, here are my final “How I Want Them To Finish” rankings:
1. Malcolm (Mary Beth’s boyfr…)
2. Denise (Dwarf sex therapist that makes a lot of faces)
3. Skupin (Finally! He’s getting hurt again!)
4. Lisa (How did she get this far???)
That’s it! All that remains is the Sunday Night Finale and the Reunion Show. I can’t wait to see RC all dolled up. I’m willing to bet she is wearing something that has leopard skin on it. Until next time…from the booth.