Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Survivor 27.7

 Vag’s Evaluation:

Well, Blood vs. Water continues to be less than stellar. The first 22 minutes focused on the neurotic Kat and her weepy boyfriend Hayden. The dumb little bimbette is convinced that Hayden is gonna dump her because she was voted onto Redemption Island. Huh? C’mon, Kat, the guy might resemble Jethro Bodine in more ways than one, but give him some credit.

Probst turns the unnecessary drama-meter up another notch by reminding Kat and Hayden that they can switch places. This causes more blubbering from Bugtussle’s homecoming king and queen. Finally, Kat decides to stay in the Redemption Island Duel even though Hayden said he would swap with her. Oh the humanity!

The duel pits Candice’s husband John, Laura M. and the frazzled Kat. The combatants must untie a machete, then chop a rope that releases a bag of puzzle pieces that they must assemble into a flame-looking thing. Long story short, Kat is so much of a basket case she can barely open the bag of puzzle pieces. So, despite some trumped up “Survivor” drama, John finishes first and Laura M. is second.

This means they stay and Kat can go back to Bugtussle. But not before she starts weeping again. She embraces Hayden and, in between sobs, implores him not to leave her. Her last bit of brilliance is to ask, “You’re not gonna break up with me, are you?” Don’t worry, Kat, he isn’t that bright.

The next eight minutes are consumed with the Vytas love-fest at the Galang camp. Tina is even hoping that the reformed bad boy will hook up with daughter Katie and give her some grandbabies. Laura B. is making weird faces and crying at the thought of having to vote Vytas off if they should lose the Immunity Challenge. Oh brother.

It is at this point that I have a major epiphany. Maybe it’s because I have watched A League of Their Own three times in the last ten days, but I came to a couple of conclusions. First, just as Jimmy Dugan so eloquently said, “There is no baseball in baseball”; there should be no crying in Survivor! Secondly, Laura B., Rupert’s wife, bears a striking resemblance to Rockford Peach second baseman Marla Hooch. Google her.

The only thing going on over at Tadhana is Tyson, Hayden, Caleb, Gervase, and Ciera plotting against Aras who is off meditating on top of some beautiful lush mountain top. Honest, that’s it.

It’s finally time for the Immunity/Reward Challenge. Unfortunately I am so nauseated that I can barely pay attention. The challenge is something about four castaways from each tribe chained together gathering puzzle pieces so the fifth member can try to assemble and throw bolos at a railing. Blah, blah, blah…

Of course Tadhana won. Their reward was fried chicken and all the fixings. All they could eat! Once again producer Mark Burnett missed the boat and neglected having KFC sponsor the challenge. Then again, given the poor quality of this season, maybe KFC politely turned down Burnett’s offer. By the way, Tyson made the comment, “I don’t think I’ve gone to bed hungry once.” Nice…

Prior to Tribal Council, Marla/Laura B. proudly announces to Vytas that the four girls have decided to vote him off. Monica, Tina and Katie are flabbergasted. Vytas isn’t too thrilled, either. You know what this means – at Tribal Council Marla/Laura B. is sent to Redemption Island.

The only thing we have to look forward to next week is the merge. It also looks like the winner of the Redemption Island is back in the game. Hopefully this means that the two losers are sent hope. The sooner we get rid of these people, the better.

Mary Beth’s 2Cents:

Dear Mr. Burnett,

As an avid watcher of your series, Survivor, it is with a heavy heart that I write this letter. Let me start by saying that I was psyched to hear of the Blood vs. Water theme for this season. The idea of favorites coming back to play with their loved ones was a good one. But it was a short lived thrill when, in the very first episode, the loved ones were separated from the faves AND the stupid Redemption Island thing came in to play as well. The truth is, you're using the words “fan favorites” very loosely with this bunch. I don't remember half of them and I've watched every season of this show. Then the ones I do remember are the most boring, insipid group of people ever! The only one worth his salt was Rupert and you managed to get him off the show far too soon.

Tonight, the only words that came to mind where these. OH. COME. ON!! The ridiculous made up drama coming from Kat as she burst into tears wondering if her boyfriend would now leave her because she was voted off was the most annoying staged mess you have ever presented us with. It had to be made up. No one is that stupid to think their entire relationship would be over because she “disappointed” her boyfriend by losing on Survivor. Can they? I mean is Kat that stupid? It was completely pathetic as she walked away, tossed her buff in the fire and said, “Please don't leave me…” OH. COME. ON!!!

And another thing, why are none of these people starving? Why do they get full meals at almost every challenge? When will you ever go back to the good old days of Survivor when they ate so little rice they were nearly skeletal at the end. And enough with the puzzles, already! Remember that really great challenge where they had to stand on the poles in the sun over the water. We could see their ribs and how much weight they lost. Two of them got naked for chocolate. Remember that, Mr. Burnett? That was when Survivor was good. These days they sit around talking about their relationships. Tina was even playing Matchmaker for her daughter and hoping she would date Vytas! Who has time for this crap!?

By the time it got to the Immunity Challenge, I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care who went home because they are all dullards with no personalities. They sit around and eat and, frankly, I can watch the orangutans at the zoo do that. So the debate at Tribal Council between who should go, Vytas or Laura B. brought a resounding “Who gives a rat's ass!?” from my house.

It is time, Mr. Burnett, to shake up this show once and for all and the way to do that is not to get gimmicky and add more inane twists. It's not bringing back old players either. (Unless it's Russell Hantz – because I would watch Russell forever. Best player ever!) It's not the incredibly stupid and boring Redemption Island. That needs to go and be gone forever.

No. It's none of those things.

To shake up this show you need to go back to the beginning. You need to get two tribes of strangers. And not just bikini models but a real cross hatch of characters – like the Sue Hawks, Rudy Boesch, and Russell Hantz's of the world – throw in a little Colby-like goodness and a slick Pavarti-ish creature. All ages, all sizes, all strangers, all having to get to know one another, compete against each other and trust one another to the end. Don't feed them a banquet every day. Let them forage and fish and suffer a little. Make the challenges more physical with no more puzzles. In other words, go back to basics. Go back to pure, classic Survivor. We, the audience, will still be there and, I guarantee you will not regret it. Please save our show! We're begging you!

Mary Beth, Survivor Geek.

Wow. Until next time…from the booth.

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