Monday, December 16, 2013

Survivor Finale and Reunion

Mary Beth’s 2Cents: So, let's commence and put this stinker out of it's/our misery. Have you heard? I am not a fan of this season of Survivor. Just as I was getting ready to watch TV tonight a commercial came on for tonight's episode. As it showed scenes from shows past the words “Jaw Dropping Season” were emblazoned on my screen.

Jaw dropping? Really?

For me the words “eye lid drooping” and “snore inducing” come to mind. So much so that even while I'm watching I find my mind wanders and I end up missing large chunks of dialogue. Anyway, here's the recap…try to stay awake!

Monica rejoices as she realizes she is now the swing vote and that puts her in a position of power for the first time since she laid foot on the island. Not that she'll actually do anything with that power but more about that later.

Hayden is sent off to Redemption Island. At the Redemption Challenge, it is, as Hayden says, him “against two grandmas”. I find that kind of ageism rude and it was certain to bite him right in the ass, which it did.

The challenge was one of balancing on one leg while keeping an urn on a pedestal. The grannies kicked Hayden's butt and he was the first one gone. Laura M. begged Tina to give it to her but Tina refused and held on to the end. She got to go back to the game while Laura followed Hayden to the jury. Laura M. and Ciera have a very dramatic heart felt good-bye and Tina opts to keep the Immunity Idol clue for herself.

Back at camp, Tina and Ciera begin to work on Monica right away and try to convince her to go with them leaving Monica very confused. At the Immunity Challenge, it's another balancing act. This time they have to hold onto to a rope keeping a table balanced as they stack blocks. Tyson wins the Idol, though he doesn't really need it.

Later, Monica takes a load of crap from Gervase who always reverts to bullying which seems to be his way to play the game. Monica cries. This is the first of three or four times tonight when she cried. Sheesh!

At Tribal Council, it's Ciera and Tina vs. Tyson, Gervase and Monica. Try as they might, the votes are cast. Tyson gives Gervase his hidden immunity idol and Ciera ends up getting voted off. And so the final four are – Tina, Monica, Tyson and Gervase.

The final Immunity Challenge is a huge thing with an obstacle balance thing to cross to get bags of letters. They have to run up a huge flight of stairs and then hurl themselves down a water slide to start all over.

In the end, Tyson wins. Man, I hate him! He's definitely in the final three. At Tribal, there's just nothing anyone can say and Tina is just sent limping off. So there they are – the Final Three – Tyson, Gervase and Monica. Each one more weaselly than the next and not one of them actually deserving of winning the million dollars. Sheesh!

Vag’s Evaluation: The jury for the Final Tribal Council consisted of: Aras, Vytas, Caleb, Katie, Hayden, Laura, Ciera and Tina. For me, this was the last hope to redeem this pitiful season. Hopefully, there would be some Sue Hawk-like vitriol shown toward the three finalists, Tyson, Monica and Gervase. I wanted to see this loathsome trio squirm a bit.

Alas, I was once again disappointed.

The opening statements from the three set the tone for this snoozefest. First, Gervase blathered about going from old school to new school. Then Monica whined about not being a lap dog. At least she didn’t cry. BUT TYSON DID! It was something about doing it for his girlfriend. Blah, blah, blah…

Now it was time for the jurors to interrogate these three dolts.

Vytas – After complimenting Tyson, he then told him he could never vote for him and would have to decide between Monica and Gervase. Huh?

Katie – Congratulated the group and then basically told Tyson that he was a prick. At least one castaway was observant.

Caleb – Asked Gervase what his big move was, to which Gervase replied, “Voting out your brother, Aras.” Nice. Then Monica started blubbering. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it is from hanging around Tyson too much.

Ciera – Asked Tyson if he was a hero or a villain. He surmised that since he didn’t consider himself a villain, he must be a hero. Okay. She asked Gervase if he ever considered voting out Tyson. His answer? Not really. At least nobody cried during this “tough” line of questioning.

Laura – All right, back to the crying. All it took was Monica being asked why she didn't revealed more about herself to the other castaways. This set off more weeping. Kleenex® could have made a bundle sponsoring the Final Tribal Council.

Tina – The diminutive one asked the three finalists to describe their inner core in one word. Monica said “generous”, Gervase came up with “honorable” and Tyson replied “fun-loving.” What this proved is beyond me. Maybe that Tyson cheated by using a compound word

Hayden – After asking Tyson where he hid his Hidden Immunity Idol, he told Monica that she was a fake. You’ll never guess what happened next. That’s right!!! She started sobbing. Again. And again. And again…

Aras – His question was whom would you vote for if you couldn’t vote for yourself? Gervase said Tyson because he had so many elements to his game. Monica agreed that it was Tyson, because he was such a force in the game. Tyson then chose Monica and blew some smoke up her ass. I guess he didn’t want to see any more tears.

All that was left was the Final Vote…

Dr. J’s Prognosis: It is my privilege to recap what my FSGP (Fellow Survivor Geek Paul) claims is his last season of blogging about Survivor. I was recently knighted a “Snarkess” by one Patty 4-Names and I shall wear that cloak with honor. But first I want to say without any snarkishness that I was saddened about the announcement that several weeks ago contestant Tina lost her son in a car accident. My thoughts are with her and her daughter.

So here is what I have to say about this season. It was not my favorite. I have nodded my head in agreement with Paul and Mary Beth each week as they have tried to put as much positive spin on the show as possible. The problem was not only design but also casting. I don’t know about ya’ll but I don’t want to see loved ones pitted against each other. Life is tough enough, who wants to watch that?

I also think that the casting sucked. Enough with the rehashing of fan favorites blah, blah, blah! Give us some new people! Make it hard again. Starve these people! Make them work for it!!!!! That is why we watch this damn show!

In seasons past I have been bestowed with the duty of describing the moment when Jeff Probst makes his panther like entrance into the reunion show. I have made no secret of the fact that I lust after him in a perfectly normal suburban married housewife type of way. I just wish he would go back to the days when he would pretend like he was parachuting in directly from tribal council I LOVED that!!! Sigh…

With pretend anticipation he read the names. Of course no one voted for Gervase because he was annoying. Monica did get a vote even though she was annoying and then the MOST annoying guy Tyson, sporting one of those fake tuxedo shirts with pit stains, won it all.

I wasn’t surprised and to be honest he actually played a good game. I just don’t care for him. But yeah for you funky Tyson! You finally won. Now go away and never return.

Part of my problem with this season is that I tried to stick with it and it made me feel bipolar.

I started to like hairy Colton boyfriend and then he got voted off and then I started to like blond daughter of Tina and she got voted off and then I started to like hunky boyfriend of Kat and he got voted off and then I admired that Laura was kicking some ass on Redemption Island so I started to like her and she got voted off and then I started to respect Ciera because she was kind of defiant and playing her game against the odds and then she got voted off.

So in the end I was left with nothing. I’m sorry Monica Culpepper, you just seem bitchy to me and your husband seems like a dufus (his entire career in the NFL he only had like 34 sacks I think in 9 years he should have done better… PS do you guys know that guy is a LAWYER??)  Save your crocodile tears for someone who cares, Monica Culpepper!

A message to Colton, who tried to mock the AARP during the Reunion Show; “Hey dude I BELONG to that group now and not only did I get a free tote for joining but I also get discounts on lawyer fees, so stay out of Wisconsin”.

And since I’m feeling so cranky; “Hey Rupert, take off the tie die and put on some man panties!  You could have stayed on and won!!” Ughhhhhhh!!!! 

Thankfully a happy moment appeared in the form of my man Cochran. It seems that my fan fave has ditched Harvard law school and gone into sitcom writing, a much more secure career path I think! Go Cochran!!!!!!

Of course at the end of the show we had to be teased with the next seasons amazing twists and they just kept showing all of these “B”’s floating across the screen.

I HATE that!

What does that mean? Boobs? Bugs? Boys? Eventually it was revealed that it means Brains, Brawn and some other word that starts with B (Not boobs, Paul, I’m sorry). All I can say is I hope the damn show is better. And I also hope that if he takes a season off to rest and revive that my good friend Paul Vagnoni reconsiders about his Survivor blogging. I for one will miss it!

One last Vag’s Evaluation: Thanks for the kind words, Jamie. And more thanks for jumping on board for the final recap, thus making it a true trilogy. I would also like to express my gratitude to Mary Beth for enduring this entire gut-wrenching season with me. I know it wasn’t easy. As she would say… Sheesh!

Until next time…from the booth.

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