Having always enjoyed giving gifts, it should come as no surprise that my Christmas shopping is complete. All that is left is a little bit of wrapping. The thing is, I still have the desire to make someone smile with a thoughtful present. What can I do?
Every now and then I wonder what kind of gifts I would give if money was no object, if I was Donald Trump or Oprah Winfrey rich. So, in the spirit of this glorious holiday season, I have decided to distribute some “money is no object” gifts. Not only will I give gifts to friends and family, but also to a few “celebrities”.
To Chef Gordon Ramsay, I give a lifetime supply of Ambien® and Rolaids. I would hate to see this man develop an aneurism during an taping of Hell’s Kitchen. He probably already has an ulcer.
To TMJ4’s Scott Steele, I give a role in a low-budget Broadway play. I truly that he would better suited in this endeavor than with his current attempts at entertaining the masses while masquerading as a weatherman.
To Prince Fielder, I give an epiphany that causes him to realize that agent Scott Boras is an evil jackal. This will cause him to fire Boras and sign a long-term contract with the Milwaukee Brewers at a hometown discount.
To Russell Hantz, I give a gift certificate good for a spot on season 22 of the hit reality show Survivor. If necessary, the gift certificate could also be redeemed for season 23. Or season 24. Or season 25…
To certain members of Kenosha’s City Common Council, I give a clue. They definitely are in need of one. Sometimes it seems as if they are on a reality show.
To Jamie, I give 4 front row tickets to the Bon Jovi concert of her choice. The only caveat is that she will be required to use the limo service that will also be provided. There will be no running to catch a cab.
To Pat, I give a two-hour weekday sports talk show on the radio station of his choosing. He will also be able to determine what time of day the show will be aired.
To Jim, I give a starring role in a Hollywood blockbuster hit. The popularity of this movie will lead to regular appearances on all of the late night talk shows. Except Leno’s. He sucks. A lot.
To Mary Kay and Penny, I give them both an equal piece of Pee Wee Herman’s infamous wiener. Don’t even ask.
To Sharon B., I give a store full of customers, enough to cause her to expand store hours and hire more staff. A significant portion of her new wealth of customers will be made up of family and friends.
To Sharon C., I give the position of Quality Director of the soon to be announced sixth season of HBO’s hit show, The Wire. This will allow her to take an extended leave of absence from the business she currently operates.
To Mike, I give an established publisher and talented author to help write his memoirs. “The Life and Times of an Ornery Curmudgeon” is guaranteed to be on the best sellers list for years to come.
To Julie, I give the time and resources necessary to showcase her outstanding talents. All I ask is that when she becomes famous the world over, she doesn’t forget all the little people.
To Mary Beth, I give unlimited round trip airfare to Sweden, available for her to use whenever the spirit moves her.
To Peter, I give an endless supply of Home Run Inn pizza. This will ensure he never has to eat another Tombstone pizza, no matter how much it would amuse his family.
To Leon, I give any job that he wants. No matter what job he chooses or how many hours he works, it will always provide him with exactly what he needs. He deserves this.
To all my friends that are Cub Fans, I give an ownership and management team that understands what it takes to finally put together a championship organization. Although I can’t stand the thought of the Cubs winning, enough is enough.
To David, I give one years worth of vouchers good at any restaurant in England. Not only will this keep him well fed, but it will also save his sisters from having to hear him moan about having beans on toast for dinner all the time.
To Christine, I give a nice, cushy job where she will never be cold again. It will always be warm in the wintertime.
To Margaret, I give a tutor to provide humming lessons. Hopefully this will help her to win the humming game at Christmas time.
To Sue, I give her several invitations to events where her notorious see-through tops won’t cause a scandal. They might even be considered appropriate.
To Debbie, I give a personal chauffer to help transport her rambunctious son Jake to all of his sporting events. This includes, but is not limited to: football, rugby, judo and swimming.
To Bev, I give unlimited Internet access and the ability to see her grandson James whenever she wants to. Also included is a lot of tissues, because I know that she will be doing a lot of crying.
I almost started to list gifts on an individual basis for my family members before realizing that would be silly. We have so much already.
Brother Mike and his wife Amy finally have their two adorable sons. Sister Teri and her husband Mike not only have a couple of great kids, but a pair of wonderful grandchildren. Brother Joey has another brand new hip and his wife Nancy has a blossoming career as a hair stylist and nail tech.
And we all have the greatest Mom anyone could ask for. She has been blessed with four children, four grandchildren and two great grandchildren who all love her dearly.
We are all so fortunate to a part of the wonderful Vagnoni family. Uncle John and Auntie Janet, Uncle Joe and Auntie Joanne and Uncle David and Aunt Bonnie have provided the Vagnoni clan with nine cousins to go along with me and my two brothers and sister.
Yes, as the magnificent Vagnoni family continues to expand, I am aware that we need no gifts. With Grandpa and Grandma ‘Noni, Aunt Bay, cousin John Dean and now my Dad looking down on us, we have the greatest gift there is. We have each other.
Please enjoy your gifts. I am. Until next time…from the booth.