Thursday, April 26, 2012

Survivor 24.11

Here’s the Official Survivor: One World Recap Trilogy for week eleven:
 Tonight's episode of Survivor was more of the same. It started with a long recap before the opening credits. They have to do that just in case you fell asleep last week.

At the reward challenge, it was the ubiquitous question and answer poll where they ask hard hitting questions like, “who do you think does not deserve to be here?” and “who would you like to be stranded on an island with?” By the time Probst asked, “Which person would you rather not see again after this is over?” I was shouting out, “ALL OF THEM!!!”

Too bad my vote didn't count.

Unanimously, they chose Troyzan. Go figure. Kim won the reward – a helicopter ride and – what's this? Again? – Food! She got to pick two others and sent Kat into a depressed hissy when she took Chelsea instead. Troyzan tried his best to show the remaining women that this was a telling moment and that Kim was taking her top two with her but the women all just stood there blinking.

I have the Paul Simon song “Slip Slidin' Away” stuck in my head now because during tonight's Immunity Challenge that's exactly what happened to Troyzan as he lost a slip and slide challenge and, ultimately, his last chance to stay on the island.

It was a ridiculously silly challenge but I couldn't help thinking how much Paul must have been enjoying seeing all those bikini clad honeys get oiled up to slide (and jiggle) their way to the end. Don't deny it, Paul…

Hee hee hee.

Naturally, Tarzan had the most difficult time on the slip and slide, what with that bath mat of chest hair he's sporting. EW! Thankfully he chose to wear the full coverage shorts. If he had one the nasty Speedo I would have been forced to change the channel.

A lonely pig wandered into camp, which sent everyone into a tizzy, running and chasing it all over the place. Now, honestly, what did they think they were going to do with that pig? It's not like any of them had ever butchered a pig before.

Maybe Tarzan could have given it a nice tummy tuck and some liposuction. The pig lived to see another day and even seemed to be laughing at them when they returned from the Immunity Challenge.

At Tribal, Troyzan was given the boot. Again, no big surprise there. The only thing unusual at tribal was Tarzan who was dressed like Little Steven from the E Street Band. He is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the strangest person I've ever seen on television and I've watched a lot of reality TV, so that's saying something!

I still don't care a fig about any of these people. Inside I'm hoping there's going to be a surprise volcanic eruption on the island that takes them all out. Except Probst. He's kind of easy on the eyes. 

 OK folks, bear with me as I try to spice this story up a bit by borrowing from an original classic!

On tonight’s episode, while investigating a sector of space island called “One World” where other starships have disappeared every 27 years, the formerly male dominated crew from the USS Enterprise finds a race of mostly tall, attractive but definitely annoying women who survive by drawing the energy from the male members they have lured to their planet beach.

At a scary reward challenge where their bodies are burned in effigy the remaining six women and two men must answer questions about one another. The consensus is that Kat needs a wakeup call in life, Troyzan is a poser whom none of the women ever want to see again, and Sabrina is the laziest player EVER.

Female leader and my current favorite, Kim wins the challenge.

However, this leads to a major dilemma for Amazon woman Kim. As winner, she must now choose two people to take with her on her rewarding space odyssey (helicopter ride and picnic… more food!  She hastily choses her favorite minions Alicia and Chelsea, which means that unsuspecting less favorite minions Kat and Sabrina are left behind with (gasp) the men!! And Christina, who doesn’t count.

This gives Captain Kirkzan the opportunity he’s been waiting for to try to convince the forgotten and left behind women that they would be better off taking a chance with him.

One would think that Christina in particular might have begun to see that this would be beneficial for her.

But alas… Christina is truly dumb.

A side note to Kim is that it is generally a good rule of thumb for Survivors to NOT win the challenge towards the end of the game where you get to go do something fun and have to leave others in your alliance behind. Especially one of your minions!!

In spite of their strong foothold, the women of Survivor are still nervous about the reward challenge. Troyzan has been dominating these challenges. And here, folks, is the moment that Fellow Survivor Geek Paul has been waiting for all week since he saw this week’s preview.  He emailed me earlier in the day in an excited little tizzy about this very challenge where scantily clad women had to oil their bodies and then slide in said oil on a slippery slide.  He could barely conceal his glee. In fact… he did not even ATTEMPT to conceal his glee.

However, T & T are worried about this oily event, and rightly so!

Unfortunately for this remaining man contingent of Tar and Troy, the Amazonian planet women slip slide their way to victory. Kim wins immunity, even though she doesn’t need it.

Troy is now extremely worried but not ready to give up, prompting him to say “DAMN IT TARZAN YOU’RE A DOCTOR!!” He continues to play the angle that he might have an immunity idol, which leads the girls to devise a plan in which they will split the vote between Troy and Christina. Christina, who has been blatantly put down and ignored by her fellow females the entire episode, ponders whether she should make a bold move or not. Alas, she is tooooo stupid to know which move that should be.

In the meantime… A giant, lost but seemingly docile wild pig wanders into camp, prompting everyone to chase it in a misguided delusion that it could be a ham sandwich. I was seriously ready to call 1-800- PETA if these overfed dolts killed that pig, but alas they decided to make it a pet instead.

In spite of his best efforts, Troy was no match for the women of planet Survivor.

At tribal council, Captain Kirkzan was sent back to the Enterprise with the other befuddled and female dominated men.

This leaves Tarzan as the only remaining male….

Will it be an all female finale?

HEY… I’m not opposed to it! I AM A WOMAN!

Will this island colony of aggressive women continue to survive and thrive by eliminating all the clueless yet highly testosteronized men (not you Colton)?

Will they keep comatose Dr. T as a one world pet?

Will they eat their other new pet the pig????

Stay tuned…

 I have been watching Survivor since May 31, 2012. When this season concludes on May 13th, I will have watched well over 330 episodes. This will include 24 Reunion Shows, one of which was hosted by the unpalatable Rosie O’Donnell. In the first season there was a 75-person crew. By season 22 the crew had grown to 325 people. Since it premiered, Survivor has garnered somewhere over 410,000,000 viewers. With all of that in mind, I can’t wait to hear Jeff Probst say, “The tribe has spoken” and get this 24th season over with.

God bless Jamie and Mary Beth for chronicling most of the minutia that goes on each week. They do a fine job of give their slant on what goes on during the challenges and at Tribal Council.

Quite frankly, I don’t know if I could do it by myself this season.

Maybe it’s because the castaways really suck this year. I mean REALLY suck! Or perhaps it’s because I know Survivor like the back of my hand.

As soon as Troyzan was eliminated in the quarterfinals of the Immunity Challenge I wrote the following on my yellow pad: “Troyzan is out, no matter what they try to make us think.”

Who were they trying to fool?

Anyone who thought for second that Christina was going to be voted off is a Survivor neophyte. A virgin, if you will, when it comes to this award-winning reality show.

For veteran Survivor Geeks like me it was, been there, done that. Same old, same old.

Proudly, my Survivor cherry was popped with Richard Hatch, Kelly Wigglesworth, Rudy Boesch and Susan Hawk - not the Estrogen Alliance and a couple of guys who think they are Tarzan. Puh-leze.

Okay, I suppose I should at least do a quick recap of what we have to look forward to in our final three episodes.

With the elimination of Tarzan, we are left with one male – the psychotic Tarzan. Hopefully the 64-year old plastic surgeon from Houston Texas will spare us the agony of his Speedos the rest of his time on the island.

The other six competitors make up the Estrogen Alliance – Christina, Sabrina, Kat, Alicia, Chelsea and their mastermind, Kim.

For your convenience, I listed the ladies in the order that they will finish. The only thing that will prevent this from coming to fruition is if they bottom three have an original thought. If and when they do, it will be their first. I still say Christina should use her $500 from last week’s auction to buy a brain.

In a couple of weeks season 24 will be in the books and the three of us will stop moaning. But we’ll be back, oh yes we will. Survivor has been renewed for two more seasons (25 and 26) for the 2012-2013 TV season with Probst confirmed to return as host and executive producer.

That’s all I got. Hopefully those next two seasons will make this season a foggy memory and the producers will have learned from their mistakes. Ideally it will have new twists complete with an interesting cast complete with personalities. Absolutely nothing from season 24.

Okay, maybe the oiled-up babes on the slip ‘n’ slide. But that’s it.

Until next time…from the booth.

No comments: