Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Survivor 24.9

Here’s the Official Survivor: One World Recap Trilogy for week nine:
 In thinking of all the most horrible things I can possibly think of, Tarzan in his nasty undies is way at the top of that list. Watching him toss his “balls” whilst wearing the Dangly Wanglers (as I have come to call them) was horrid. Okay, let me explain…

In tonight's episode they had a Do It Yourself challenge, which was really nothing more than an elaborate game of Lawn Golf, which I have played at many a family gathering. I tell ya, blind people could have done better than some of these people. I mean, that game is just not that hard to play! Further proved by the fact that Tarzan was the best player!


Once again, there was a bounty of food involved tonight. At the Immunity Challenge, Probst tempted them to drop out with candy, cupcakes, cheeseburgers and cookies. I don't buy the gasps of “oh man I wanna eat!!” anymore. Frankly, these people eat more than my family on a holiday and, trust me, that's saying a lot! None of them are any skinnier than when they started out from what I can see!

Again, sheesh!

I'm skipping over the mundane parts because, honestly, it has all become mundane to me. None of these chuckleheads is the least bit interesting and I just don't care anymore who gets the heave ho.

I wish it would be Tarzan but for some reason they keep him around for comic relief. I have no favorites this season. I don't care who wins. None of them deserve it and if I was in charge I would bring back Russell Hantz right now just to kick some Survivor ass.

There was a lot of goofy strategizing going on with the women finally realizing they have the upper hand and doing something about it. At least they made Troy feel suspicious enough to finally play his hidden idol and that made Pretty Boy Jay go bye bye.

He was shocked. Really? He really thought he could trust those ladies. They were whispering all over the place in groups of two and yet he thought they were going to vote with him. Wake up, Jay!

Sheesh! Again!

The women are now in a position to take this all the way to the end. I'm sure next week Troy will be sulking and cranky about this new development. But I'm also sure that Alicia cannot be trusted and she or someone equally as fickle will make a move to join Troy and the other men to change it up again. At least that's what I would do if I were there. But with these brainless tweedle heads, who knows!?

 Tonight’s episode of Survivor was just plain boring. It started with Tarzan and Troyzan attempting to talk strategy and here is their conversation “blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…” More talk talk talk. Then there was the reward challenge. Apparently Jeff Probst was so bored by this season that he fell into a coma and didn’t even bother to show up for the challenge, which involved… oh, who cares right? It was boring! 

Troyzan did a bad imitation of the missing Probst, who must be in contract negotiations. I answered a phone call and only know that Tarzan’s team won because he did a happy dance in his speedo… yuck.

The reward was yet ANOTHER beach barbeque in which the well-fed castaways indulged in MORE food, including “architecturally nice looking crabs” (thanks for never disappointing with bizarreness Dr. Tarzan). They ate. They drank. They chilled out on the beach. They talked some more it went like this “blah blah blah blah blah blah”.

Then they went back to the losers who didn’t get to eat and they all started buzzing around trying to play one against the other in no organized fashion, which lead to more blah blah blah blah blah…”

My favorite (but also boring) player Kim did attempt to use strategy as she tried to unite the women in what would seem to be a slam dunk of a plan to vote all the men off IF they all could get their act together.

Why can’t they? Well Chelsea has a conscience and Alicia is just pissed off and Kat is just confused as usual and there was more blah blah blah blah…

At the Immunity Challenge players had to stand on a board while tethered to a rope that held a bucket above their heads. Tarzan lasted literally 2.5 seconds before falling off (I will say it again: DOES NO ONE IN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY SEE A PROBLEM WITH THIS MAN DOING DELICATE PLASTIC SURGERY?)

For this challenge Probst showed up and tempted players by offering them yet more food if they stepped off the board. Clearly Alicia did not choose a razor as her luxury item. I shall say no more.

Very few of them had any sort of willpower or balance and ultimately it came down to little Leif versus Chelsea. He looked like he could stay there alllll day, I mean that guy is all muscle, but he was easily swayed mentally by Chelsea’s efforts to get him to step off. Clearly he is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

 So Chelsea won even though she really didn’t need to.  They all went back to their beach and started to haphazardly scramble and more blah blah blahhhhhhhh… 

Kim once again worked strategically to get a split vote between Jay and Troyzan, speculating that Troy might have the hidden immunity idol. Now here would have been a chance for the men to come together and make a play to get ahead again.

There are some women there who could easily be sweet talked into compliance, but these guys are truly are a bunch of nincompoops. Instead they just kept talking to this person and that person and blah blah blah blah… off to Tribal they went.

Tribal council this season is such a boring yawner that Jeff Probst literally has to guide all of the discussion. The only bright spot for me was that Tarzan appeared to be wearing a woman shirt. Yes people. That is how bad this is getting…

They voted. The voting was all over the place with people voting for Alicia and Kim and Troy and Jay. At this stage there should be more of a cohesive pattern. But there isn’t. Jay got voted off and he seemed confused. Bye bye, pretty boy. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda…

Jamie’s Prognosis? This show AND Jeff Probst are comatose!

 Is it just me or do people with southern drawls sound stupid and in many cases prove to be stupid? Maybe it’s just a bias on my part, but on this evening’s episode Jay did nothing to dispel this notion. What a dimwit. What an idiot. What an imbecile. What a nimrod. What a moron. What a simpleton. What a muttonhead. What a dope.

Tonight Jay made Kat look like a rocket scientist. That’s no easy task -  remember the “hurt appendix” Tribal Council episode?

After the Immunity Challenge the seemingly vacuous Kat pointed out, “We can’t think with our hearts, we have to think with our heads.” It looks like the Brain Fairy paid Kat a visit and rewarded her with an extra big heaping helping of smarts.

Unfortunately for Jay, that same Brain Fairy didn’t bother to do the same for him. Otherwise he wouldn’t be saying stuff like, “There’s definitely gonna be some blindsides coming up. I just hope it ain’t me.”

Hey Einstein, guess what? IT WAS YOU!

Here’s an idea – if you know there are going to be blindsides, rather than hoping it “ain’t” you, do something to prevent it! Try to make sure it “ain’t” you!

Oh wait, that’s right, he did try. Right before Tribal Council he went to Kim, the head of the Estrogen Alliance, and asked her if there was going to be any blindsides happening. To which she basically batted her purty eyelashes and replied, “Shucks no, Jay.”

And the dolt bought it. Hook, line and sinker. But not before he turned snitch and made Kim aware that Troyzan has a Hidden Immunity Idol in his possession.

I don’t why this surprised me, after all Jay isn’t a double-naught spy like his idol Jethro Bodine. He’s not that bright, he’s not even up to his gazintas yet.

By my estimations there are four episodes remaining this season and we are down to nine contestants left to vie for the $1,000,000 and title of Sole Survivor.

I’m still bewildered.

Last week Fellow Survivor Geek Jamie joyfully declared that she finally found someone to root for in Kim. Regrettably I haven’t had my epiphany quite yet.
Consider my options. First the guys.

Tarzan, a 64-year-old plastic surgeon who by all accounts has soiled his blue Speedos on several occasions. No thank you.

Leif, a 27-year-old phlebotomist who is only allowed to say eight words each week. Hey, I have nothing against little people, but those pierced nipples creep me out.

Troyzan, a 50-year-old swimsuit photographer that was duped by Kim’s feminine wiles last week. She batted those purty eyelashes and convinced him to vote Mike off. Nah, he used his Hidden Immunity Idol already.

Now for the Estrogen Alliance.

Kim, the 29-year-old bridal shop owner is already FSG Jamie’s pick to click. She is crafty and has a fairly nice keester, but I can’t possibly root for the same person as Jamie. That would be like her rooting for Russell Hantz.

Chelsea, a 26-year-old medical sales rep who Tarzan suspects hates all plastic surgeons because of a bad boob job. I don’t know, they look fine to me. But tonight she said she loved money. Total turnoff, sorry.

Sabrina, a 33-year-old high school teacher who is too boring for my liking. Although they did have to digitalize her backside once tonight, it’s not enough to get me to make her my favorite.

Kat, who started this season as a 22-year-old timeshare rep, has somehow miraculously transformed into a master strategist. I could almost find myself pulling for Kat it weren’t for the possibility of her hurting her appendix.

Alicia, a 25-year-old special education teacher who each week pushes her leopard print panties to their limit. She is evil, cruel and heartless. But that’s not why I can’t root for her. She’s from Chicago. Enough said.

Christina, a 29-year-old career counselor who has been on Alicia’s shit list from week one. Why? I sure don’t know. For that reason alone I am officially making her my favorite for this season. I know she won’t win, but I can still appreciate her derrière until she is eliminated.

Until next time…from the booth.

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