Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Survivor 24.8

Here’s the Official Survivor: One World Recap Trilogy for week eight:
 You know, as I was watching tonight's episode of Survivor, I got to thinking. You know what this show really needs? A good sponsor. You know, some company that could use the popularity of this show to do some clever product placement and maybe play their commercials at every single commercial break? That kind of thing.

Too bad no one ever thought of that. Oh wait… they did. Who brought tonight’s episode to you? No, not Coke. Nope, not Dr. Pepper either. I'll give you a hint. They played the commercial with Ceelo Green about a hundred and fifty thousand times tonight! Yes, that commercial. The Seven-Up commercial. The one that's so grating on my nerves I almost threw my shoe through my television.

I get that television shows don't pay for themselves and they need product endorsements to exist but, Holy Overselling Batman! I think they might have overdone it this time. Not only was every other commercial the one with Ceelo Green, they even won a reward to go to the Seven-Up Oasis for, you guessed it, MORE food and a tub of Seven-Up. They thanked God for showing them what real hunger was (seriously? I've been hungrier on a busy day at work!) and then they ate themselves silly.

The reward challenge was a pretty good one with a huge water-slide that provided a couple of very comical moments. Alicia was afraid, and rightly so, that it was going to give her a big wedgie. She has an ample dupa so that was a valid fear.

The actual outcome was even funnier, to me. She was propelled down the slide and landed right on that posterior giganticus and made a couple of butt-skips like someone skimming a stone across the water.

The other person that made me laugh was Leif. He's so small he almost jettisoned himself onto the next island. Then there was a large puzzle to piece together. Again, a puzzle. Sheesh!

Tarzan was up to his usual Tarzan like ridiculousness. He confronted Chelsea as to why she was annoyed with him and actually thought she had some deep seeded hatred for her own plastic surgeon that she was now projecting on him!

HAHAHA!! No, Tarzan, she doesn't like you because you're an annoying, hairy, smelly, know-it-all ass hat! But she was too polite, and probably slightly flabbergasted that he was bringing up her boob job, to tell him that. 

Jay, or someone equally boring, won a very boring Immunity Challenge involving (oh what a surprise!) putting together yet another puzzle. Whoever is coming up with these challenges needs to move off the puzzle page of the manual and onto something else. Enough with the puzzles already! When are they going to have to eat creepy stuff or balance on a pole or walk a shaky rope bridge or roll a giant ball up an anthill? I want some fun stuff like that!

In the end, the women pulled off a blindside which, I think, is meant to shake things up. Boring Mike never saw it coming and off he went. Honestly though, at this point, I don't give a rat's ass who they vote off. I hate them all. I'm just in this for the comic moments and the hope that someone will do something extraordinary at some point. In the meantime, I think I'll go have a Seven-Up. 

 OK tonight two big things happened for me. First of all, I FOUND SOMEONE TO ROOT FOR!! Kim! I realized that she is not completely repulsive. She played a great strategic game out there tonight and she’s one of those players that looks good even after weeks without personal care items. I was suddenly impressed. I want Kim to win Survivor One World!! Yeah me!!

I love it when Survivor does shameless product placement. Tonight it was the good people from 7 Up who had their moment in the sun, complete with Probst gleefully throwing out one of their slogans “delightfully refreshing”.

The sweaty green bottle was the star of a good portion of the show. The reward challenge involved contestants going down steep giant waterslides and was hilarious to watch for mostly immature reasons.

As players came off  the slides they wiped out and it just made me giggle. Alicia’s naturally padded ass caused her to literally bounce right back up ala Tigger, and Leif flew off the thing, bouncing and rolling across the sand. I know I know that it sounds mean but… LOL!!!

The reward was of course more food, since these folks eat better than my own family.  And of course there was lots of the uncola flowing.

Back at the “one world” beach, Tarzan continued to offend and irritate others. He seemed to be chopping down the shelter in wet stormy weather for no good reason. He’s a loose cannon with no couth or charm.

He speculated that Chelsea doesn’t like him because of a tortured relationship with her own plastic surgeon. Say what?  Chelsea has had plastic surgery? Her boobs aren’t real? Get OUT of town… Does that make her an anti-plastite?

The immunity challenge involved more ropes and puzzle pieces and I just beg the game makers of Survivor to spare us the constant puzzles that seem to dominate all the challenges. What happened to the drinking of blood and fish gut smoothies as a way to win immunity?

Pretty boy Jay won.

After the challenge Kim stepped up her “A” game. She began to plant the seeds for Mike’s ouster, supposedly in an effort to form an all female voting block that can now pick off the men one by one.

She easily swayed Troyzan into aligning with her plan. But Jay seemed to have other ideas. For the camera he claimed to want to get rid of Christina. There was a big moment where Kim slyly maneuvered him into thinking that they were in agreement about voting Christina off and sticking to their Salani alliance.

By the time they made their way to Tribal Council they all seemed to be on different pages. Tarzan was still off on his own mental island, believing that they were playing Probst rather than each other. It was all a bit much (as usual) for Kat, who was confused by his “rantics”. Cute word. I could root for her a little more if she wasn’t so vacant behind the eyes.

The final vote went down like this; 2 votes for Tarzan. 2 votes for Christina, and the rest for Mike. Bye bye Mike. But then the OTHER big thing happened for me.

As the credits rolled and they showed who voted for whom, Jay and Leif apparently voted for Mike too. Say what again? The story we were shown was women making a risky power play by secretly voting out Mike, risking the wrath of Jay and the other men. By doing so they would attain total game domination.

But wait. 

If Jay voted for Mike that would mean that wasn’t what was really going on. Could it be that the producers of the show are editing so heavily that they are creating the storyline for us? Holy Santa Claus Batman!! Is it possible that reality TV isn’t… real?

As the kids say “IDK” but one thing IS clear. The men are really a bunch of dimwitted cretins. If they get picked off now one by one, so be it. Go Kim!

 This Official Survivor: One World Recap Trilogy is being sponsored by 7 Up. I am sure that Mary Beth and Jamie have already bemoaned the fact that the first 25 minutes of tonight’s episode was a commercial for 7 Up, but when you think about it, that might have been the highlight of the show. You have to admit it was crisp and clean, maybe even ridiculously bubbly…

The sub par quality of this season’s crapalicious cast has been discussed ad nauseam in this trilogy, but it’s true! They all suck! They are either bad people, stupid or just frightfully innocuous.

I am reminded of the Seinfeld episode, “The Letter”, where Jerry’s artist girlfriend Nina paints a portrait of Kramer. Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong, a wealthy couple, while they consider purchasing the painting, make the following comments: “He is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can’t look away.” and “He transcends time and space. He sickens me. I love it.”

The Armstrongs then paid $5,000 for the Kramer.

If I wasn’t such a Survivor Geek I would quit watching Survivor: One World, but like the Armstrongs with the Kramer, I can’t look away.

If I were to quit watching I would never know if plastic surgeon Tarzan continues to poop his blue Speedos. If I were to quit watching I would miss the moronic Kat making up words like “rantics”. If I were to quit watching I would miss Kim making the dimwitted Troyzan believe anything she says.

If I were to quit watching I would miss cursing at the TV when the ladies cheeks are digitalized when they peak out from their skimpy bikini bottoms. If I were to quit watching I would miss the numerous astonished expressions on Jeff Probst’s face caused by the empty-headed answers given to him at Tribal Council.

If I were to quit watching I would have to go elsewhere to see little people with pierced nipples drinking 7 Up. If I were to quit watching I might miss the epic episode where Alicia’s leopard print panties are finally stretched to the limit and spontaneously combust. And that would be a dirty shame.

No, like the Kramer, Survivor: One World transcends time and space. This season might sicken me, yet I love it. I’m not going to pay $5,000, but I won’t look away. I can’t…

Until next time…from the booth.

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