Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Survivor 24.5

Here’s the Official Survivor: One World Recap Trilogy for week five:
 Usually I post my segment of the Trilogy last, but because of the realignment of tribes I decided to lead off. That’s right, it’s no longer man vs. woman living in the same camp. The tribes will continue to be called Salani and Manono, but they will reside in separate camps. I thought that it was important that our faithful legions of readers are clear where everyone ended up.

The new Salani tribe: Jay, Troyzon, Michael, Kat, Chelsea, Sabrina and Kim.

The new Manono tribe: Colton, Tarzan, Leif, Jonas, Alicia, Christina and Monica.

Because of the outstanding job Mary Beth and Jamie do covering the action, I am just going to list a few random thoughts about tonight’s episode.

•    Both of the realigned tribes have four women. Think about it for a second and tell me I’m wrong.

•    Will someone please make Tarzan take off those dirty blue Speedos? Wait, on second thought, forget I said that.

•    Kim was the first contestant to get religious this season. While searching for the Hidden Immunity Idol she uttered, “Lord Please…” Let’s pray this doesn’t turn into one big revival meeting like last season.

•    Another first – Jeff Probst FINALLY made mention of Leif’s dwarfiness. Hey, Jamie and Mary Beth get to make up words…

•    Now that there are two separate camps, it really isn’t “One World”. With this spineless bunch, it should be renamed: Survivor: As Long As It It’s Me”. I support this notion with this quote by sushi chef Jonas: “I’ll be Colton’s bitch, just don’t vote me off.”

•    Can they possibly show Alicia’s ample ass any more? I’m not really complaining, but come on. I think I will be seeing those leopard print panties in my dreams.

•    Keeping mind the last observation, the quote of the night came from Probst to Alicia during Tribal Council. After the bootilcious one made a rather condescending comment about Monica, Probst remarked, “I smell a but(t) coming…” Ha!

•    From that same Tribal Council we learned that Tarzan fancies himself something of a wordsmith. Much to Leif’s dismay. He can’t remember the names of his tribe mates, but he knows a lot of big words.

Before I wrap up my portion, I wanted to mention the current standings for the Survivor contest. After five weeks, Patty, Jo and Karen R. are the only contestants with all three of their final 3 selections still in the game. 

There is still a long way to go, but I thought it would be nice to let everyone know. All of the selections are posted in the column to the right of the blog.
 The weirdness continued on tonight's episode. The two tribes, men vs. women, are no more. They dropped their buffs and hit themselves with eggs to see what color was inside and that determined which new tribe they found themselves on.

The new “Salani” is compiled of the beefcakes and muscular babes (which I will now refer to as the muscabes). The other tribe, “Manono” was left with what I can only refer to as the riff raff of the island. But, in what might have been the best cameo performance by karma ever, Colton was now in riff-raffville! And he was NOT happy about it.

Tonight there were some really bad things presented. First, there was way too much camera time for Colton and Alicia, two of the most unlikeable people on the planet. They did a lot of talking and more talking. And then there was a shot of Alicia's bulbous behind clad only in a small leopard print bikini bottom that was simply terrifyingly large on screen.

Second, we had a lot of Tarzan as well. Big, grey hairy Tarzan walking around in his bikini underwear, which, honestly, left nothing to the imagination. I just really didn't need that visual etched into my brain!

The last and, in my opinion, worst thing presented, was the Immunity Challenge itself. I could not help but worry that little Leif was going to be swept away by the tide and drowned. Who thought a challenge playing basketball (not a little person's best sport, I'd imagine) in three feet of water (making getting a good footing almost impossible for the little guy) was a good thing?

I was so distracted by worrying about him that I almost couldn't see who was winning or losing. Then the shot of Colton prancing over the waves came on and my mind snapped back into gear and I got over it.

Alicia sided with Colton and got a woman booted off which is only going to hurt her in the end anyway. Actually, no one on Manono is going to make it very far in this game. They've already started pecking each other away one by one. So unless someone wises up and gets them all to get rid of Colton, they are dooming themselves to keep losing challenges, lowering their numbers and be at a great disadvantage once a merge comes around.

I still do not like a single person on this season of Survivor. It's making me mad. Even Jeff Probst is starting to get on my nerves! Someone has to step up to become a favorite soon or I might have to write a nasty worded letter to CBS! I want to know who did the casting for this season? They should be fired!
Jamie’s Prognosis?  Bland Buff and Crazy!

 I just keep feeling bum puzzled by this show (stolen verbatim from pretty boy Jay). Hey, I’m always looking for something random to say to the teens. The episode started with the reward challenge, but not before Probst told everyone to drop their buffs. Clearly he couldn’t stand another second of the whole men versus women living in “one world” blah blah blah ugh!!

I think we all shared the same sentiment about this season, no? It’s been pretty ugly. At the challenge Probst passed out eggs and told the contestants to smash the eggs against their bodies. Creepy but COOL because the eggs contained yolks of different colors.

I was bum puzzled yet again… How did the genius wizards at team Survivor get those chickens to lay eggs in orange and blue? No matter. The stronger physical players landed on Salani, leaving a ragtag Manono tribe that is once again seemingly lead by the fantastically annoying and beeeotchy Colton.

He likened the other tribe to “Greek Gods”, and so of course the “Gods” easily won the reward challenge consisting of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on really good looking delicious bread (I gave bread up for Lent, HELP ME) and coffee.

The losers had to leave the “one world” beach and forge their own way on a new beach. They didn’t seem to care much because once again were seemingly given a bunch of equipment and supplies to build their new camp. WTF? I miss the days of frugality and suffering! Seriously I do. I am tired of all of these free handouts. Heavens to Romney maybe I have been watching too much of the Republican debates!!

On Salani, the genetically gifted Kim went looking for the Immunity Idol and found it. Do we think they need to start hiding the idol a little better? This just “finding” of the idol every season now is getting old. The bottom line is that Salani as a group are bland and buff. They should go far.

So lets talk CRAZY: Manono!!  First of all, there were chickens running around on the beaches again (are they indigenous or prop chickens?) and Monica and Christina caught one in a 3-sided box. Duh! Which lead to the chicken outwitting, outplaying, and outlasting them all by heading for the hills.

The chicken was the smartest strategist out there this week. That was just plain silly. Even sillier?  The Immunity Challenge, with Colton splashing, sprinting and screeching in the water as he tried to play basketball with the “buffets”, as they shall now be called. 

Of course Salani won that too. Which lead to Colton deciding, irrationally, that the strongest player on their team should go home. On day 14! That would be Monica Culpepper! Did I mention that she is physically their strongest player? 

I mean Tarzan (once again this guy is a PLASTIC SURGEON… Someone please call the AMA) is running around in a dirty ill fitted thong. He can’t move. He has nominal aphasia so he can’t remember people’s names. He is weird and just… weird. But let’s keep HIM around instead of someone who can help win challenges. Seriously, this team was fractured at the get go.

With Colton in the lead, I think of a stupid joke; How do you find a blind man on a nude beach? It isn’t hard… ba-dum bum! Colton that ones for you buddy! 

Is this just over the top beeotchiness/stupidity OR is he actually being strategic? "Hard" to tell. He is detestable on one hand and yet he is also the only person with any personality of interest on this season. Who knows? I may be rooting for his badass gay Republican self in what will CLEARLY be a line crossing bipartisan decision on my part!
Until next time…from the booth.

No comments: