Here’s the Official Survivor: One World Recap Trilogy for week four:
What the? No really… What in the blue hell happened tonight? The whole show started off catawampus and ended up all topsy-turvy. I said last week I hoped something happened that would make this show interesting again and I guess I got what I asked for!
First, who are these women all of a sudden? For a brief time, when it mattered and counted as a win for a great reward, these broads pulled it together and acted like a team for the first time! They were seen working around camp together, finding food together, and actually getting along!
They cleanly trounced the men in they reward challenge and even scorned Tarzan in unison when he tried to call their win dumb luck. For a while, they seemed invincible. But then they got to the Immunity Challenge. After a preliminary tiff about who would be good at doing puzzles, guess what? It turns out they stunk at puzzles from the get go and so the men won Immunity.
Meanwhile, over at the men's camp, they started the show by begging for the chance to use the fishing gear the women won and then got all pissy because the women said no. Hmmm, remember that whole “Why would we give you fire!” incident from episode one? Yeah, karma's a bitch boys!
The men won the Immunity Challenge by being able to figure out what looked like some fairly easy puzzles. Then they all went back to camp and, this is where it gets weird, Leif tells Bill the others want him voted out.
Okay, here we are well into this season and so far no one has mentioned the “little person” on the island. In fact, it almost seems like they've gone out of their way NOT to bring attention to him at all. Then, tonight, after finding out he spilled the beans to Bill, Colton – the evil Queen of Manono – calls him a “munchkin that needs to get knocked back to Oz” and “an Oompa Loompa” all in the course of one minute!
Colton then has a hissy fit and refuses to speak to Bill because he “doesn't talk to people he doesn't like”. He did a lot of head wagging, eye rolling and mincing around, for lack of a better term. Then, in what is probably the strangest move ever, the men decide to give up their Immunity and go to Tribal to vote because they can't live with the “betrayal in their midst”. Seriously, there has not been this much dramarama since Dynasty when off the air!
So, what have we learned tonight?
1. The women, who are not exactly grounded in reality, are the saner of the two tribes after all.
2. It's okay to ignore a little person unless you are regaling him with degrading terms as you shiver in disgust and roll your eyes.
3. Colton is a spoiled rotten rich brat who has no relativity in the real world and needs to learn that having an African American housekeeper is not equal to “knowing black people”.
4. He needs to go.
I was struck yet again this week by the fact that I still don’t like any of the players on this season. I'm not sure what it is about this particular group of people that makes them all just seem so… obnoxious. But they just are.
The episode started with the men offering to go fishing for the women because they wanted to use their fishing nets. The women were so engrossed in eating their disgusting slimy sandy sautéed snails that they did NOT take them up on what would seem like a smart move.
As I said last week… Where is the human decency? Working together to survive? Hope those snails taste good girls. I will say it again, these are a bunch of people I would NEVER want anything to do with in the real world.
Anyhooo, moving on to the reward challenge, at first glance it seemed as if anything involving the sling shooting (not sure if that's a word) of coconuts at a giant wooden tic tac toe board would easily be won by the men.
The women seemed to know how to handle their coconuts better than the men. Well at least better than these sad sack men. In the end Monica Culpepper showed that NFL wives can throw a pass too by winning the challenge. I kind of like Monica. Well I don't find her to be completely obnoxious, so that's one point in her favor.
Oh yes and big moment… Kat didn't totally suck at the challenge. The women of Salani passed over the tempting donuts and coffee and wisely chose the tarp as reward, so at least we won't have to see them all wet and waterlogged anymore.
Back at the men's camp Leif finally said something. And it wasn't good. He told Bill that Colton wanted him voted off, and this lead to Bill spewing forth a bunch of "Dude" and "Bro’s as he wallowed in disbelief. Then the rest of the guys found out that Leif told Bill about his potential ouster and they all just had a completely inappropriate collective melt down.
These guys are even bigger losers than the girls (with the exception of model Jay who seems fairly normal compared to the other freaky dudes). I mean would any woman in America ever go to "Tarzan" for plastic surgery?
At the Immunity Challenge the women were a mess. Alicia, whose brain is clearly not as big as her boobs was paired with Chelsea, who I thought was a fairly decent player until tonight. All they had to do was line up some pieces of wood, which I don't even consider to be an actual puzzle, and they just couldn't do it.
Back at Manono the men COULD have been relaxing and celebrating. Instead, they all just completely became enmeshed in Colton’s over the top, for no reason, dramatic hissy fit, that centers around his completely irrational dislike of harmless Bill.
I am not sure when Colton became the leader of Manono, but he is. And hell hath no fury like a Colton scorned. In the craziest thing I have ever seen he convinced the other dim wits to give Tribal Immunity to the women so they could vote his man-hate off. The look on Probst’s face when the men walked in was kind of priceless.
Kudos to Bill for trying to do the pull on the heartstrings thing as he told his story of being a poor black comedian. But mean boy Colton was having none of it and then he had that "oh hell no he didn't just say that" moment when he tried to make himself not look like a racist by saying that he has black people in his life.
As in his MAID back in Alabama.
I felt like I was watching "The Help"! He’s more unlikeable as the weeks go by and yet… at least he is entertaining. If he goes home… who will we talk about? Bill was voted off. Leif is shaking in his shoes. Jay is appalled at his lot in life. The Tarzans are both weird.
Sigh. Is it just me or is the whole "one world" living on a beach thing just not working out as a gimmick? Thus far my prognosis is that this season is lame. Give us a Shambo. Please someone drop Coach from a helicopter. I'll even take another Hantz!
Usually I try to make my recap witty and amusing. Not tonight. This evening I went from stunned disbelief to total disgust. For a brief moment I contemplated not even writing anything. After a short phone chat with Fellow Survivor Geek Auntie Janet, I decided to let loose with how I feel.
The Manono tribe is the sorriest collection of ignorant imbeciles ever assembled on Survivor. The whole notion of giving away your tribe’s immunity because you want to eliminate someone is bad enough, but when it is based on their race and social standing, it becomes distasteful and vile.
To make it even more repulsive was the fact that Jonas, Jay, Michael, Tarzan and Troyzan were talked into this despicable act by that bigoted and repugnant troll, Colton.
Hold on, that was a little harsh of me. I need to apologize to all bigoted repugnant trolls; Colton is in a class all of his own.
You think I’m kidding? Consider this evidence:
Last week when the females of the Salani tribe asked if they could borrow an ember from the Manono’s fire, Colton indignantly stated, “I’m sorry, I’m a Republican, I don’t believe in handouts.”
Later in the same episode, he stated that he hated Bill and that he was “ghetto trash”.
Tonight he made the following comments about little-person Leif - “That little Munchkin is about to get kicked back to Oz.” and “He’s becoming an annoying little Oompa Loompa.”
And this is who Jonas, Jay, Michael, Tarzan and Troyzan chose to hook their star to. This is who told them to give up immunity so they could vote Bill off because he HATED him. And they did it.
There’s only one thing worse than a bigot – someone who enables bigotry and hatred.
With that in mind, I would like to make the following suggestions: If you ever need a Sushi Chef, don’t hire Jonas Otsuji. If you are in need of a model, skip Jay Byars. If you are looking for a banker, forget about Michael Jefferson. If you need plastic surgery, don’t even consider Greg “Tarzan” Smith. If you are in the market for a swimsuit photographer, pass over Troy “Troyzan” Robertson.
These mindless cretins will be too busy to do a good job for you. They will be occupied blindly obeying the whims of a black hearted, xenophobic slime ball.
Until next time…from the booth.