Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Survivor 25.4

Because Jamie had to go out of town unexpectedly tonight, our Survivor blogging triumvirate has been reduced to two. Therefore, here is the Official Survivor: Philippines Recap Duologue for week four:

 Ah, the Philippines – land of blue lagoons, lush green forest and what seems like almost constant rain. The people on this season of Survivor look miserable, wet and cold. There also seem to be no end to the wide variety of enormous bugs there as evidenced by the many close up shots of creepy green mantis thingies and hideous clown-like spiders. I, for one, am glad I am not there.

The Philippines is also host to one of the more astoundingly bad showings that any tribe has had in the history of Survivor. In just nine days on the island, Matsing is down to three people. It's been amazing watching this tribe lose person after person to become the skeleton that they are now.

Remaining on Matsing at the start of the show – Malcolm (doesn't he remind anyone else of Orlando Bloom? Sigh…), Denise (three reasons to like her – she is from the Midwest, she used the word bamboozled tonight, and she's a damn good player!) and Russell (“I'm designed as God's perfect creation of excellence!”) Swann.

Over at Kalabaw, Jonathon Penner started making some moves to keep himself moving forward. He was making alliances with Jeff Kent who previously wanted to get rid of Penner because he was a veteran and didn't think a veteran should win. Now that he's spent some time with the younger, more brainless people on Kalabaw, he's changed his mind.

They brought Carter (Who?) along for good measure, but now they have created a rift between the men and women. The women expressed their disdain for being “written off” because they are women. I swear at this point in the show I could hear that old Helen Reddy song playing in the background. “I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore…”

Over at Tandang, the guy I never knew existed until last week, Pete, placed the hidden idol clue back in RC's bag in full view of her supposed gal pal Abi. The others saw it and so now all know what the clue says. They don't know that Abi has the idol already, nor does RC but that didn't stop Abi, who shall now be called Polly Paranoia, from blowing a gasket and proclaiming RC dead to her.

RC tried to get her other ally, Sneaky Pete, to explain what happened but he backed out stating, “This is between you two…” Pete, who was off the radar until last week, may have pulled a move evil enough to start me making comparisons to something Russell Hantz might have done. Nah… Not yet… It was evil, but not that evil and certainly not as great as something Hantz would have done.

Meanwhile, at the ever dwindling Matsing, Russell Swann was talking. And talking and talking and talking and his voice was so grating that I wanted to reach into my television and punch him in the head. He was starting to wear on Malcolm Orlando Bloom (sigh…). Russell Swann decided to try to find the idol since he had the clue. He was looking all over the place without much luck or finesse and Denise saw him and, being a smarty pants, put two and two together and realized he either had the idol or was looking for it.

At Immunity/Reward challenge, Kalabaw and Tandang had to sit three players out because Matsing only had three players total. They had to carry heavy rice pots through an obstacle course, set the pots on poles and then smash them with a wrecking ball.

Malcolm, my Malcolm, started off like gangbusters giving Matsing an early lead but they weren't able to hold onto it and, once again, Matsing lost and was off to Tribal Council. But, not before Russell Swann broke into loud plaintive cries of “why God! WHY!???” He told Probst he was a “perfect creation” and expected excellence.

Funny, because I can't for the life of me understand why everyone thinks Russell Swann is such a great athletic player. Sure, he's got muscles but he is never doing very much to help them win. And he's a really bad loser!

Russell explained to Denise that it all stems from getting beaten up when he was a kid and standing up to the kid that beat him up and how punching that kid made him know he would never “cower to anyone”. It's a great story but I still don't know what the heck he was talking about.

In the end, neither did Malcolm Cutie-pie or Denise and they blindsided ol' Russell Swann right off the show. That kind of made me happy. He was annoying and I couldn't take his googly eyes and high pitched voice much longer.

I hope that there's a merge pretty soon because I really like Denise and I think I made it clear how much I like Malcolm. But if they are only two against many… Neither one will last long!

 Okay, I’m not pulling any punches. I’m going to really tell you how I feel. So far the Silver Anniversary season of the greatest reality show has been promising. Very promising. So much so, that I was looking forward to with great anticipation. I had my pad and pencil ready and the popcorn was popped. All that was needed was to hear the haunting and melodious “OY LULI-LULI-LULI” that starts every episode of Survivor.

Then it happened. We got a big steaming pile of crap. And, adding insult to injury, they insulted our intelligence.

The show began with us being reminded that it rains all the time in the Philippines and the castaways are miserable. Okay, we get it already! How about a second challenge each week like the old days?!? Oh wait, you can’t do that because Matsing sucks and barely has enough people to compete in one challenge, let alone two.

Before we got to the Immunity/Reward Combo Challenge, we got to see Rosie Perez wannabe Abi continue to be a bitch to the adorable RC. She now has a toady – Pete “the chaos creator”. He planted the Hidden Immunity clue in RC’s bag so everyone could see it.

When the rest of Tandang saw it, chaos was indeed created. Abi said something like, “Maybe the rats put it there” and the enchanting RC visibly feared for her own well-being.

Man, I loathe Abi and Pete.

When we finally got to the Immunity/Reward Combo Challenge, Survivor violated a rule that has been in place since Sue Hawk was calling Richard Hatch a snake in season one.

Let me explain.

Because Matsing is so very dreadful, they only have three people left. This forced Kalabaw and Tandang to sit out three of their members. Okay, that is fine. However, it’s not fine that they let the same people sit out that didn’t participate in last week’s Immunity/Reward Combo Challenge! That is the rule! Sack-eyed Lisa and that little hyena Abi sat out consecutive challenges! There may have been more. What gives? I do believe I am going to send a strongly worded letter to Standards and Practices!

Of course Kalabaw and Tandang won Immunity, Matsing lost and Russell Swan got all spastic. Real spastic. So much so, Probst the host had to chastise him most vehemently in front of everyone. It was at this point, I think it was 7:35 pm Central Time, that it was quite obvious that Russell Swan was going to be sent backing. There was no point in even going to Tribal Council to discuss it.

But no, producer Mark Burnett decides to make us believe there is some sort of long shot that Denise and Malcolm DON’T vote Swan off. Puh-leze! You didn’t have to have seen all 337 episodes like me to realize what was going to happen. Even the great host Probst struggled to make things exciting at Tribal Council.

Of course, as I knew twenty minutes earlier, Swan had his flame snuffed and was kicked off the island. The only one who was surprised by the vote was Swan himself. When he said, “I was totally blindsided”, he was immortalized as one of the worst players ever.

As I wrap up this week’s recap, I feel obligated to try and leave you with at least a couple of positive things. Let’s see… Mike Skupin didn’t injure himself or even bleed. And, there was that shot of RC walking down the beach in her leopard print bikini AWAY from the camera.

That’s all I got. Until next time…from the booth.

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