I am about to do something that I have never done before in my five plus seasons of writing Survivor recap blogs. I honestly never thought that I would do this. Never. Ever. What I am about to do is unprecedented.
Granted, I have issued Spoiler Alerts in the past, but they were meant for people who hadn’t watched that night’s episode. Tonight is different. I am about to reveal who wins Survivor: Redemption Island. That’s right, I know the Sole Survivor of season 22 and I am about to let you know who it is. So stop reading right now if you don’t want to find out.
I’m serious. Don’t go on if you don’t want to know. This will probably spoil the rest of the season for you, but I have to do it. I have no choice. This is your last chance to click away. Honest. Okay, you had fair warning. The winner is…
Boston Rob Mariano.
There, now you know. And don’t you dare say that I didn’t warn you. Although if you were watching this evening, you probably figured it out for yourself.
Let’s be honest, the moment the Zapatera dimwits voted Russell off to Redemption Island, Boston Rob had won. Producer Mark Burnett might as well make out the giant million-dollar check to him right now.
Just consider what Boston Rob has to work with on his Ometepe tribe. The only males he has are a deranged special agent and some dork whose claim to fame is suiting up for six games with the San Diego Chargers in 2003. Other than that, he has three mindless bimbettes that worship the ground he walks on and Kristina, who might be his only competition.
That’s okay though. Zapatera isn’t any better. In fact, this eclectic group might even be more inept.
They have a female firefighter who bears a striking resemblance to Indian Chief Cochise, a sleazy lawyer and dopey ex-marine who almost let it slip that they tanked the Immunity Challenge. They too have an ex-NFL player. At least this guy played in 129 games. But that might be the problem; he seems to be post-concussed.
The other three females are two Russell disciples, one of which sounds an awful lot like Fran Drescher and a strange woman named Sarita. The remaining Zapatera tribe mate is easily the most bizarre of the lot.
Farmer Ralph might be the strangest bastard that I have ever seen on Survivor. Physically, he is a cross between WWE stars, George “the Animal” Steele and Jimmy “Boogie Woogie Man” Valiant. If you don’t know they are, Google them.
Incredibly, Farmer Ralph’s peculiar physical appearance is not his most disturbing feature. The poor man can’t put together an intelligible sentence. Twice at Tribal Council, Jeff Probst had to ask him what he was trying to say. The second time, an exasperated Probst shook his head and said, “I think he said…”
The piéce de rèsistance was when he spelled Russell – “RESSELL”. I think Zapatera should make Farmer Ralph their leader. At least that would be interesting.
There you have it. Sure Russell could come back if he can win enough Redemption Island duels, but even I think that’s highly unlikely. No, I think this season is Boston Rob’s for the taking. He would have to really do something dumb not to beat this group of nincompoops.
Sorry if I spoiled the rest of season 22 for anyone, but I warned you.
But not to worry. Even though I already know who’s going to win, I will still watch and do recaps each week. I will be rooting for Russell to stick around as long as he can on Redemption Island, but when the inevitable happens, it’s Boston Rob all the way.
Ya, I said it, Fellow Survivor Geek Jamie. Until next time…from the booth.