Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Survivor 24.13

Here’s the Official Survivor: One World Recap Trilogy for week thirteen:
 Well, I almost thought for a moment that Tarzan had been pulling the wool over all of our eyes and that he really was smarter than I was giving him credit for. I mean, he clearly knew that he was the next to go but he made some pretty convincing arguments with the ladies and got them taking a much closer look at Kim (batting her big blue eyes, as they kept saying) and wondering how trustworthy she really was.

He got Alicia thinking that Kim really saw her as a threat and would not take her to the final. He got Christina thinking that her best way to top three was to work with him and Alicia. Well, okay, he tried to get her thinking. I don't think Christina does much actual thinking.

He managed to even put a little fear into the stalwart Kim who is ruling this game with those big blue eyes. I thought he might manage to pull off a win in one of the challenges too. He was up there almost at the finish. I felt something way deep inside that sort of felt like I was second guessing my complete hatred of this guy and I was almost starting to feel sorry for him, being the underdog and all.

And then he strained his dinner in his dirty buff, wore Kat's dirty tank top to tribal council and tried to wear her nasty used panties on his head. Nope, I was right all along. He's an idiot.

But then again, so are these ladies. If there is one of them who think they actually stand a chance against her at the end, they are sorely mistaken. Her only real contender for “outsmarting” people is Alicia and that might be interesting but I just don't think enough people liked her. Christina? She's gone first on Sunday. Sabrina? She's next to go. Chelsea? She'll be in the final three but will not get any votes. Well, maybe one but even that's not for certain.

Because I have tended to lose interest in much of the small talk that goes on in each episode I have started looking for those weirdly unusual moments that keep my attention. Tonight there were two.

First, Kat started weeping when Tarzan mentioned trying to wear her panties on his head and how it grossed the other women out. Through her streaming tears and runny nose, she pursed her pouty lips and whispered, “Bitches!” which was a priceless moment.

The second came at the very end of the show. You know, where the ousted person has their final say. Tarzan tried to do an impromptu poem about his time on Survivor. At the end, he ran out of rhymes and all he could do was a weak Tarzan yell. Pitiful. It made me long for Carol Burnett!

On to Sunday. The finale. And this torture will finally be over!!

 We are coming down to the wire on Survivor.  Tonight’s episode was another yawner though and I’m not sure why. By this time we should be invested in the process and feeling some excitement. It’s just not happening. I think it’s a combination of both annoying and weird contestants. These people have very little chemistry amongst each other, which is part of the problem.

Here is what I know. Kim is a great contestant. She has “angelic eyes” according to her fellow Survivors. She has great people skills and is exceptional at convincing the others to buy her story. I am sure she is a very successful human being in real life, but she is a major bore on TV.

Whatever skills she clearly has do not show up well on the plasma screen. I watched her “play” the ghetto Puerto Rican who in real life is entrusted to mold and shape the lives of special needs children (Alicia). I could see it! Kim is a good manipulator.

This week’s reward challenge made me literally nauseous. It involved spinning to the point of dizziness as contestants attempted to remove puzzle pieces that would ultimately reveal a numerical code. I hate being dizzy and watching them being dizzy made me dizzy, so I was grossed out by it.

Chelsea won and she chose to take Sabrina and Kim with her on what can only be described as a fantasy reward! They were taken on a beautiful sailboat onto pristine blue waters where they were pampered and plied with champagne and what looked to be delicious grilled shrimp. It’s kind of my dream vacation.

Back at camp Alicia continued to spew her meanness. She worked in her own weird mean girl way to try and form a new alliance with Tarzan and dumbass Christina. The bottom line is that Tarzan is just a freak. He’s too weird to deal with.

But blurry assed Alicia is a major opportunist. Quite frankly, she disgusts me. She is an angry big boobed… boob. Unfortunately she won the Immunity challenge. She has no loyalty so she flip-flopped back and forth between whom she wanted to eliminate (Chelsea or Tarzan). She thinks she is in charge of the game, but she is so clueless. Kim pulls her strings like a master puppeteer.

As they were ready to head off to Tribal Council, Tarzan sealed his fate by putting Kats left behind panties on his head (when she found out about this she oddly felt violated and cried). There was discussion about microbe misuse and general hygiene, but it’s a mute point.

Earlier in the show Tarzan alluded to the fact that he couldn’t afford to buy shocks for his car. Then during tribal council be hinted that he is indeed a millionaire. Regardless, he is definitely NOT someone who would do any surgery on me, even if I was stranded in the wilderness with him and suffering from a fatal malady. And even then I would boil him in disinfectant and dip him in Nair and pray to the LORD that he really does hold a legitimate medical license.

Not surprisingly, Tarzan was voted off. He is too disgusted for these chicks to keep around. As he exited he was flipped off by at least one of his male jury counterparts. Let’s just say that his last few days on the jury are likely to be uncomfortable.

So it’s an all woman finale. I just wish that they were better women. I still think Kim deserves to win. If Alicia wins, my fears for our great nation will be strengthened. Who should go next?  Alicia (please) followed by Christina. The final 3 should be Kim, Sabrina and Chelsea.

 The detestable Alicia loquaciously made a declaration tonight. As she wagged her head from one side to the other, she proclaimed, “Hell to the no!” For those of you who don’t speak ghetto-ese, allow me to translate. That was Alicia’s way of saying she wasn’t going to be fooled; she wasn’t falling for anyone’s bullshit. My reply to the amply bootied one’s announcement?

Hell to the yes!

Despite what she might think, Kim - the spawn of Martha Stewart, has been deceiving Alicia for quite some time. But she is not the only one; she is in good company. You see, Chelsea has also been hoodwinked by her “dear friend” Kim. Likewise, Christina has had the wool pulled over her rather exotic eyes. Although, with Christina, it wouldn’t take much more than a coconut to dupe her.

However, this trio of delusional dimwits shouldn’t feel bad. No, Kim has used her dulcet, hypnotizing monotone to get over on Tarzan, Kat and Jay. She has played them all like the proverbial fiddle.

The only one left that is on to Kim’s web of deception is Sabrina. She realizes that Kim is stone-cold assassin that can look you straight in the eye, tell you how wonderful you are and ten seconds later stick a knife in your back. And twist it. A couple of times.

But, because Sabrina is the only one who is aware how evilly deceptive Kim is, she really has her work cut out for her. The others have all drank the Kim Stewart Kool-Aid.

Highlights of the week:

Chelsea, while cruising on a yacht during her reward, remarked, “I have never been on a sailboat before and this is a real nice sailboat.” What a hick.

Loathsome Alicia, while once again wagging her head from one side to the other, stated that she is the “Queen of the social game.” Honey, you aren’t in Cabrini Green.

During the Immunity Challenge, Emmy award winning host Jeff Probst astutely noted that, “the dexterity of the hands of a surgeon is paying off” when observing Tarzan.

The crowning moment of the evening was seeing jury member Kat crying at Tribal Council. I’m not referring to when she was eyeballing Kim and the others that had blindsided her last week. No, I am talking about when she wept when she heard that Tarzan had been wearing her dirty panties on his head back at camp.

Now that’s good TV!

Hopefully the two-hour finale Sunday night will provide moments equally entertaining. I can’t wait. Go Sabrina!

Until next time…from the booth.

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