The Official Survivor: Philippines Recap Trilogy for week eleven:
Mary Beth’s 2Cents: I'm sort of sitting here in a stunned silence after tonight's episode. The only thing going through my mind right now, and it has been going through my mind all night, is - “ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?” Let me start at the beginning…
So, after last week's Tribal Council ol' Abi-boo-boo is sulking and feels that “they” all ganged up on her. Can she really be so self-unaware that she has absolutely no idea how she appears to other people? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?
At the Food Auction, a staple feature of any Survivor season, people are bidding willy-nilly on whatever delectable treat Probst happens to present to them. Pancakes and bacon? $500 from Denise. Fried chicken? $100 from Penner. (He took one bite and gave Probst a very uncomfortable lurid look. I think it made Probst shudder a little.) Carter traded a baked potato for rice and beans for the entire tribe and later bought some veal shanks to share with them too.
Skupin? Oh he laid out his entire $500 on some cheese and wine. And he doesn't drink. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? There are two veteran players sitting there with cheese and chicken on their chins! Surely they must have known there is ALWAYS some kind of clue or advantage on the auction block every single time.
No, they sit there looking goofy when the dreaded Abi-monster bids her $500 and gets the advantage. Well played you complete dunderheads! (Sarcasm intended.) Abi's advantage? Oh she gets to skip the first two parts of the Immunity Challenge and goes right to the final round. A huge advantage to have and those other guys should have known better.
Meanwhile, back at camp, Abi-the whiner wants Penner to apologize for being a big meanie to her. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? Penner tries to point out, in his best Alan Alda impersonation, that this is the nature of the game.
Abi pouts some more so Penner gives her a half-hearted apology. When he asks for the same she stays true to her usual nasty self and doesn't give him one. They do hug though which makes Abi think that now everyone wants some kind of communication with you. Clearly, from all of the eye rolling from the others, this was not the case.
The next morning, Abi-babby-ding-dong, decides she will pretend the advantage she got was a 4th idol. She attempts to tell Malcolm this. Malcolm, by the way, was showing Abi a wee bit too much sympathy for my taste. I shall have to rethink our relationship if that continues. He does save it by referring to her as “a girlfriend who won't go away after you break up with her”. Abi-the lionhearted refers to herself as “a warrior”. Then they are all off to Immunity Challenge.
The challenge is a rope/obstacle course in three parts. First, Probst asks a question. If they get it wrong they have to carry 5% of their body weight. This immediately puts Denise and Lisa at a disadvantage when they miss the question. Denise is fierce though. I do love her!
The Challenge goes on whittling them down to the final three – Penner, Carter and Abi-warrior whiner. Of course, the absolute unthinkable happens. Abi wins! ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?
Everyone starts scrambling at camp. Malcolm (sigh… he's still a hottie) wisely realizes that since no one can vote out Abi, he can now make a play to get rid of Penner. Denise, Skupin, and Lisa are on board except Lisa loves her some Penner and feels really, really bad for what she is about to do so she just has to tell him about it.
Penner gets all pissy and tries to get some votes to sway either Denise or Malcolm off the island but, alas, Penner pranced his way, whistling, down the walk of shame. Then he came back. Then he left again. Then he popped back again. The look on Probst's face said, “ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?”
Jamie’s Prognosis: Field Research
This week I decided to do something never done before on this blog. I decided to go and do actual research on what it is like to be a Survivor. Since the show was taped months ago I was not able to join our current band of survivors in the Philippines, so I chose a small island in the West Indies. I chose a tribe and we flew to the island, disembarking to an almost uncomfortable 85° with a light breeze. I expected a refreshing rum drink to be waiting for me.
There was none. I knew this was going to be brutal.
For our first reward challenge, the tribe had to board a boat headed for the island of Prickly Pear. Upon arriving in the bay we were to don fins and mask and search for tropical fish in the sea. That seemed easy enough.
I spotted many fish, swam to shore and raced to spell out "piña colada" in shells on the beach. Although I was given odd looks, I am happy to report that I was rewarded with one. Yeah me!!!!
Back at camp there was a lot of drama and arguing about where we would go to eat, who would pick up the tab on the next round, blah blah blah… drama queens. I stayed out of it and did shots with the bartender.
Jeff Probst did not show up, but a concierge named Franco did. He was no Probst. It was time for the Immunity Challenge. Two drinks were placed at opposite ends of the pool. Tribe mates had to swim from end to end taking sips out of each margarita and the first to finish both drinks won.
Being the lazy lot they are, the rest of my tribe all chose to sit the challenge out and watch me struggle with it whilst lounging in hammocks. Fortunately for me I am a good swimmer and drinker. I easily finished the challenge with no problem. Franco looked bored by it all.
Things are looking good for me to win this entire thing, but folks the conditions are very rough out here. I have sand in my bathing suit, mild sunburn and I have not seen a cabana boy for at least an hour. I'm getting parched and weak. What will happen to me? We have another Tribal Council tonight with the disinterested Franco, who mumbled something about crazy Americans last time I wandered past him. I hope to survive… stay tuned next week to see if I did.
The Booth’s Bits: I’m not really sure where to start. The episode started with Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm consoling Scabby, the castaway from hell. I am beginning to wonder about Malcolm. Not just because he was listening to Scabby whine and cry, but lately he has been trying to be all intellectual and act like he’s a real deep thinker.
Quite frankly, it’s just not working for me. Nope. Not when he’s saying stuff like, “I feel bad for Abi. She is very un-self-aware.” Huh? I’m pretty sure that un-self-aware isn’t even a word. I could be wrong, but I’m thinking Mary Beth’s… oops, Malcolm might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The ubiquitous Survivor Auction took the place of the Reward Challenge. Each castaway had $500. Here’s what everyone won:
Denise - $500 for a Pancakes and Bacon Breakfast
Skupin - $500 for Wine and Cheese
Malcolm - $200 for Iced Coffee and Donuts
Penner - $100 a for Fried Chicken Dinner
Carter - $200 for a Baked Potato, which he promptly traded in for Rice and Beans for the Tribe.
Lisa - $320 for a Humongous Sub Sandwich
Scabby - $500 for a Secret Advantage in the Immunity Challenge
Carter - $200 for some Veal Shanks that he had to share with the Tribe. The twist was that they had only 60 seconds to eat it and had no utensils.
Prior to the Immunity Challenge it was business as usual. Scabby acted like a loathsome little brat. Penner sounded more and more like Alan Alda. Lisa alternately cried and smiled. Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm tried to be concerned and hunky at the same time. Denise continued to make very peculiar faces for no apparent reason. Skupin and Carter were just there not really contributing any entertainment value.
The Immunity Challenge was another rope/maze thingy that I found rather nondescript. The only drama was that Scabby had the advantage of skipping the first two rounds and advancing directly to the finals. And of course she won. Oh ya, she lied about having another Hidden Immunity Idol. But I think that Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm was the only one listening.
Before Tribal Council it was pretty clear that Penner/Alda/Hawkeye was going to be the one going home. Oh, they tried to make it look as if it might be facial contortionist Denise, but it was Penner who was sent packing. One other thing, kudos to Jeff Probst for keeping his streak alive for making someone cry. This week it was Lisa. Like that was hard.
Here are my updated “How I Want Them To Finish” rankings:
1. Carter (Spicoli)
2. Malcolm (Mary Beth’s boyfr…)
3. Skupin (Needs to start bleeding again)
4. Denise (Sex Therapist to the Corn)
5. Lisa (Drama Mama)
6. Scabby (Castaway from Hell)
Only one or two Wednesdays left. Then it’s time for the big Sunday night finale and the big Reunion Show. I can’t wait for that. RC cleans up real nice. Until next time…from the booth.