BREAKING NEWS!!! Jamie Cairo, author of the Dr. J’s Prognosis portion of the Trilogy has just signed an obscenely large contract to be witty and snarky for a large organization that must remain unnamed. The immensity of this new undertaking will require Jamie to embark on a worldwide tour during the upcoming season of Survivor. Sadly, this will prevent her from being a regular contributor to the recap. I am, however, proud to announce that she has agreed to make an occasional guest appearance. Trust me, this came at no small cost.
Therefore, for the most part, the weekly recap for season 26 will not be a trilogy. Hopefully, between Mary Beth and myself, we will be able to fill some of the enormous void left by Jamie. So, without further ado, here is the Official Bodacious Baldies Survivor Caramoan Recap for week one:
It was with much anticipation that I sat down to watch the season opening episode of Survivor. And I do mean MUCH ANTICIPATION! I've been jonesing for this show since the end of the last season. By the time Probst said, “This is the Caramoan Islands!” I was almost out of my skin. I am a geek and proud of it! So, Fans vs. Favorites started off with a bang. The Fans (The Gota Tribe) arrived to the islands by boat while the Faves (Bikal Tribe) were flown in air-conditioned helicopters to the beach.
The Fans reactions as the Faves were introduced one by one were pretty funny. When Brandon Hantz departed the chopper someone yelled out, “That's Russell's nephew!” Indeed, he is. There was a decided groan when Philip disembarked and a stunned awe when my Malcolm was the last to hit the sand. I must say he looks every bit as yummy as he did last season. Yes, I said yummy.
It was time for a Reward Challenge immediately and the two tribes were pitted against each other in a sort of flag football using an inner tube. Two member from each tribe against each other as they fight/wrestle/drag/pull or do whatever they can to get the inner tube to their tribes flag. The winner would get flint for making fire and 20 lbs. of beans.
So, there we were 15 minutes into the new season and Philip was cavorting through the challenge in his pink undies. I could have lived my whole life without seeing that again. But one thing I saw that I was both shocked and happily surprised at was Malcolm's butt! While he was playing in the challenge his shorts came off and his entire luscious bumdiddily was hanging out. Curse those censors and their blasted pixilation!!
The Faves won the challenge, no doubt spurred on by the sight of Malcolm's muscled behind and the Fans looked so dejected at their loss I almost felt sorry for them. One of the Fans, not sure of their names yet but I think his name is Lamar, stunned his team mates and Probst when he started yelling “Break her wrist!” to his teammate. It was a little weird.
He continued to be weird when he started to get very confrontational with his tribesmen that were attempting to build shelter. According to him that was a waste of time because he felt they needed to make fire and get water boiling but he didn't lift a finger to do anything. Finally, once a bunch of the others tried to make fire he stepped in and claimed that this was his plan all along. He's seems kind of a jerk and I'm not sure he's going to last that long in this game.
Over at the Bikal camp, Malcolm expressed being worried about his first impression on the others. Believe me, with that butt he has nothing to worry about! Phil equated his storming the beach at Bikal to those who stormed the beach at Iwo Jima. Um…okay…except no one's shooting at you, Phil so there is a difference!
Francesca immediately goes into overdrive to make alliances and strategize while Phil explains he's playing by the Boston Rob Rules – make an alliance, make an alliance within that alliance – so he starts recruiting alliance members too. He pretty much threatens Erik into the alliance by telling him it didn't matter either way if Erik joined. Nothing like making someone feel they're needed, Phil!
Over at Gota, people are doing their own version of strategizing. They're pairing up in twos and it seems to be based on looks and who's cooler. That night cuddling for body heat took on a whole new meaning for some, which was noted by the others. When will the Fans learn that couples are always the first to go? Especially conceited good-looking cool couples that think they're smarted and better than everyone else?
Somehow within a second of being exposed to sunlight, Cochran develops a blistering sunburn and his Hobbit feel swell up and look like yams! This doesn't deter him from making a pretty good showing in the Immunity Challenge though. Teams of two have to run up one to four flights of steps to toss down crates of sandbags. Once they're all tossed, the last person plays Baggo with them. The Faves had an amazing lead when Brandon just about flew up four flights! But dear Malcolm just could not get the bags in the holes. He did a good job but Reynold, from Gota, was a dead eye and hit the mark nearly every time. The Fans won Immunity, which meant a Fave was going home first.
Let the jockeying begin! Francesca starts telling everyone to vote off Philip but Andrea tells Philip this, which leads him to quote Machiavelli and burning down villages or some such nonsense. Gotta love that Phil is still crazy after all these years. At the last minute Francesca worries that Phil has an Immunity Idol. What? Really?? Whoa…she's paranoid! She decides to tell everyone to split the vote using Corinne as a fall back just in case ol' Phil has an idol. Seriously...she's paranoid!
At Tribal, Probst points out several times that she was the first to go on her last season. I could tell that was getting under her skin! But lo and behold, who was the first to go? Francesca! I'm not sure why everyone thought she was a threat because the truth is no one ever got to see her play at all in her first season. No one could be really sure what she was capable of and I'm not sure she wouldn't have imploded on her own eventually because of her paranoia. But, off she went, lamenting that maybe…just maybe…Survivor wasn't her game after all!
Wow! So much happened and it was only the first week. I have to admit; I was real pumped up at the beginning. I am such a Survivor Geek, I really am. When they were announcing the Favourites as they came out of the helicopters, I was getting goose bumps. It was like watching the opening at a major sporting event. All they needed was a spotlight and a big-voice guy on the P.A. Well, I guess Jeff Probst wasn’t too bad.
Immediately we were treated to a Reward Challenge, and I was quickly reminded how much I dislike Erik. How is that knob a Fave? The challenge was a good one, very physical and in the water. I was deeply engrossed in the action when season 26 had its first defining moment. Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm began to lose his shorts in the water. It finally got to the point where they had to blur out his derrière. I was flabbergasted!
It was at that point that I heard a loud shriek of ecstasy coming from the shore of Lake Michigan. Could it be? Was it Mary Beth? I promptly messaged Patty to see if she had heard anything. She said that she had! And she lives on the other side of the Cheddar Curtain. I do believe Mary Beth is going to enjoy this season. A lot.
The Faves were victorious and for their efforts earned fire, in the form of a flint and 20 pounds of beans. Already with the extra food! Plus both tribes had a supply of rice waiting for them back at their respective camps. Richard Hatch and Rudy Boesch never had it that good 25 seasons ago…
There are some interesting characters over on the Fans side. A clique of “cool kids” has already formed – Eddie, Hope, Reynold and Allie. Eddie made the narcissistic observation that he and Hope are the “two best looking people there”. Got much of an ego, son?
Over at the Fave camp we were being treated to the antics of Cochran the nerd and Special Agent Phil. Cochran, somehow, someway acquired an award-winning head-to-toe sunburn almost instantaneously. It was really quite impressive. Except for that huge whitehead he developed on the right side of his nose.
Special Agent Phil was entertaining just by being himself. Of course, he was proudly wearing his trademark pink Jockey briefs while talking strategy, forming alliances and assigning roles to his fellow castaways. The high point was when he referred to himself as the “undercover brother”. Man, I love this show!
The Immunity Challenge was fairly impressive and after some considerable physicality, came down to a beanbag tossing contest between Reynold and Mary Beth’s boyfr… oops, Malcolm. Remarkably, in a valiant come from behind effort, Reynold secured the victory for the Fans. All that was left was for the Faves to vote off someone from their tribe.
At camp before Tribal Council, we were led to believe that the enigmatic Special Agent Phil was the targeted man and would be sent packing. However, when push came to shove, it was Francesca that was voted out with by a 6-4 margin over Wisconsin’s very own Andrea.
It should be noted that in the very beginning of the show, Francesca, who was voted off the first time she was on Survivor, promised to eat a rock if it happened to her again. Unfortunately we never learned if she kept her word…
Before wrapping things up tonight, I would like to explain why we are calling this the “Official Bodacious Baldies Survivor Caramoan Recap”. While Mary Beth and I currently possess luscious, full heads of hair, that won’t be the case in another month. We are both shaving our heads to raise money to help fight childhood cancer through the St. Baldrick’s Foundation. I will be bald as of March 14 and so will Mary Beth, two days later on the 16th.
If you would like to sponsor Mary Beth, click her name. To sponsor me, click my name, Paul. It doesn’t matter who you sponsor, either way it benefits a great cause. Hey, I know, just split your donation between the two of us!
Oh, one last thing. Let’s see how smart we are. After only one week, go the poll to the right of the blog and choose whom you think will be the Sole Survivor. Come May, it will be interesting to see how many votes were cast for the eventual winner. Until next time…from the booth.